I think my social anxiety began in 8th grade. It happened around the same time that I developed Trich.

I can't tell you the exact moment that it happened, but I do remember feeling so light headed, shaky, fearful. I didn't go to a good middle school. I was actually the minority for once. I felt outcasted. I didn't speak Spanish and I couldn't relate to really anyone else. There was a lot of fights, drugs, ing, vandalism at my school.

I remember feeling so ugly compared to all the girls with their fleeked eyeliner, nice drawn brows.

When I started developing Trich, my confidence skyrocketed down. It shot down SO LOW, that I was too scared to walk into a classroom by myself. I was too scared to have everyone solely focus on me. I always had to get there early, or wait until someone walked in so I could walk in after them so that everyone didnt focus on me.

I was too scared to go into the yearbook room to get my yearbook, so I never got them.

Social anxiety followed me to HS. I was still scared to go into a classroom alone. I would have little anxiety attacks outside the classroom until I forced myself to open the classroom doors. Eventually it got better, but I had a hard time raising my hand in class to ask a question. I was too scared to talk to my teachers privately. My grades suffered because of this. The hardest day I had was graduation. I had to mentally prepare myself a week a head of time so that I didnt throw up or cry when I got on stage. 

Anxiety also affected my driving. Junior year of HS, I got into a car accident with my friend outside of the school. It was her fault, she ran the red light and we tboned a mini van. 

That shook me up because the fact that we could have killed someone, scared the out of me. So when I got my car, I was too scared to drive on the main streets and freeway. I ALWAYS took the neighborhood streets to get where I needed to go. It wasn't until I got into Uni that I actually started driving on the freeway. Actually, I don't know if this qualifies under my anxiety or just overall general fear.

Social anxiety still affected me in college, but not as bad.

It took me THREE years to gain the courage to order food through the drive thru at a fast food chain. I always had that voice in the back of my mind, "They see you. They think you're a fat pig. They're laughing at you." that prevented me from doing anything.

As of today, my social anxiety is better in some aspects. I still have a tough time raising my hand in class, but I am perfectly fine talking to a professor one on one privately. I still have a problem being in front of the class, either picking something up from the professor or giving a presentation. It's really bad while public speaking. I struggled hard last semester. I warned my lab partners ahead of time, but they didnt believe me until I tried to speak and it sounded like I was gonna cry while talking. I was shaking and I couldn't make eye contact with anyone. 

I have a hard time maintaining eye contact with people. I have a hard time being around a lot of people.

My best friend always tells me, "How are you going to survive alone if you constantly need people to do things for you? You shouldn't be scared to ask the waiter where the bathroom is. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to that sales rep. You shouldn't be scared to walk around in clothes you like in case someone may say something to you. Be you. Live life as you. Their opinion doesnt matters, but mine does. I think you're great. So shut up and stop being so scared of the world".

That statement always helps me get through with the toughest of things.

Basically, I think this all had a chain reaction. My trich affected my self confidence which lead me to having anxiety that led me to emotionally eat which lead me to have body issues, which triggered my self confidence even more that increased my anxiety and my Trich. 

I'm a hot mess.

I wish I could tell you how to overcome social anxiety, but I really can't. The only thing that helps me get things done is if I repeat " them. them. them, they wont remember you tomorrow anyways. Just get it done and over with". 

Life is rough. 

Like I said in my last blog post. I'm a weak person. I care too much what people think. I care what people say to me. Andy is someone I want to be and that I strive to be. Ashley cries easily. Ashley is a shy person. Ashley refuses to make new friends because it hurts when they leave.

I do my best to live the life I want. I work hard to overcome my obstacles. 

And I hope you do too.

I hope you get all you can out of life.

~Ashley