sorry if the title sound weird n misleading...as usual..it's mashup of things related to my random spazz n rant contents...

 

edit: i prepared the post no.2 first...but when i went on twitter i saw something that shocked me...and then a vague nasty-ish comment i received on one of my vids on yt suddenly became clearer...

 

bts fans, please head out. don't even think of leaving a comment. i'm angered and when i'm angry i'm rude. don't make me reach the same level as your fandom peeps by provoking me. let me express my woes peacefully in my own damn blog.

 

this post will contain stuffs related to Hyeongeun/Bulldok, Produce 101 season 2(the ones i like obviously), and season 1 underdogs, and me n my usual spazz, rant, preference, opinion, just the usual repetition. only continue read if you have interest in either one. and is not in the mood to preach anything at me cuz i'm in real bad mood n you don't want to deal with the nasty side of me.

 

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1. RUDE

 

Hyeongeun left Bulldok...so called for health reason...but seeing she was very shortly before in controversy for so called 'disrespecting' your bts oppar....i'm not that dumb. (though yeah, in the past hyeongeun had been not very well n had underwent some sort of surgery but they always say they'd comeback n she's recovering n right after the shietstorm of her 'rude'ness...she cleared her instagram before this withdrawal announcement come out...it can't all be coincidence could it?)

okay so not using honorifics is considered rude in Korean culture..but this is not the first time this happen in the industry n since when does not using honorifics justify you deserving to be banished????!!! this is not the first time someone not using honorifics...i never seen such a severe consequence...damnit...n it's not like she even disrespect n not use honorifics directly to him...but in a broadcast....i just want to curse to all the freakfans who must've bullied her n led to this. let's not pretend that this is not a common shiet in big fandoms...

i bet if she disrespected a senior that isn't as crazy popular as bts...ppl probly won't even bat an eyelash at her 'rudeness'....

and about the feet comment...i read clarification by fans who listened/watched the broadcast that it was the other bj who said it n not hyeongeun(even though she did apologized for it)...while i don't know bout this...ppl don't seem to even care to check on the clarification or the truth, n just wanna continue hate on her...so if you don't want her apology, then what were you aiming for? oh...for her to be kicked out? well...mission accomplished~~ i bet when your oppar say the wrong thing n apologize you'd be quick to tell ppl to 'get over it, he apologized'....tsk.

and so what if my girl lost interest on your oppar? that's rude too? oh how bout bts fans who always go to every fking unrelated videos, articles n everything to just shove their oppar and then make it top comments everywhere unrelated?....oh...so that's not rude?

so someone coming to my hyeongeun vid just to say 'pretty but has a bad mouth' is not rude??? 

i think when we talk abt the topic of rude...bts fans really have no say in this...i've seen the most amount of rudeness from this fandom in general wherever video i click to...n when anyone call them out on it nicely...they'd keep attacking to justify their rudeness that they don't see as rude at all...

and when she posted apology...of course the freaks would all charge forward to say it didn't sound sincere blabla...

and after all these 'rude' talk....a swarm of bts fans still could march to leave nasty comments at bulldok's fan twitter acct...and even to their official youtube channel n video to spread more shiet on the group n hyeongeun...even after they got what they probly wanted...oh this is so not rude....oh i forgot...only Korean needs to be polite n respectful...cuz it's their culture...makes sooo much sense. i won't be surprised if all videos of bulldok/hyeongeun would've been decorated by the shiets they have to say. even blowing it bigger n making false statements like saying 'the group badtalked oppar' whut..... shiet. (and i'm not saying all, i do see some bts fans trying to take control of the rude ones...but what can i do than take the majority as the general sentiment when it's always the nasty ones that get much support? it's telling too much of the majority voice of this fandom, even if it's not n just the rude ones are the louder voice)

the shiet party by bts fans at bulldok's vid now is just too much that i even had to get into mother chicken mode again. a really angry mother chicken.

ugh.

to think that she's the potential star in her group...and even was one of the underdogs who rise in produce 101 with her talents....i'm just mad.

now Bulldok is four members...they haven't even had a comeback after their debut last october....now one of their most popular members is out. Only Kimi left as rapper...i wonder if that means Say will do less vocals now n more rap...i love her vocals though i would love her rap too...but this is just so freaking unfair to Hyeongeun...n Bulldok...why do i feel this creep fandom might continue give a hard time to the other girls remaining? someone save my Sehee(Say)...she had previously announced herself as a bts fan and she might get some spotlight now if they decide to continue this witch hunt n see whether she 'maintain her loyalty'...or should be eliminated too or whatever crap...

now all i wish is for hyeongeun to rise as underground rapper n diss all of you and your oppars who didn't educate you some manners as fans since you had none on your own, unapologetically without having to meekly bow down n get banished again. afterall, the underground rappers get to freely diss without taking this 'respectful culture' into account right? heh. make it more powerful n rude in fact....so that it's worth having to be banished like this...

(i still get chills by this perf...produce 101 season 2 rap perfs could never)

more power to you, Hyeongeun! Don't give up just yet! You're too good for that.

and Bulldok...please don't disband just yet T^T...you had(well, still have) so much potential...i'm so sad that i calmed down from my Bulldok craze to wait for their comeback in peace...n patience...and then i got this....

i just hope they don't get a new member...i don't think i'm in the mood to accept someone new now...

i still have hopes for Hyeongeun to come back since the company is using health reason so maybe if hyeongeun could 'recover' later...

 

i hope those jerk bullies are happy now n stfu, and stop harrassing the girls. if only i could punch in their faces one by one. (how many millions of faces would i have to punch? yeep)

 

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okay...the following is what i prepared earlier before seeing post of hyeongeun n bulldok. so the tone would be diff n unrelated. i just dislike posting multiple blogposts at the same time...it feels like a waste of space.

 

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2. The rest. lol.

 

whew...

when was the last time it hurt this much for such trivial reason? (edit: ok, seeing the bulldok news sure hurt)

i remember the time when i wasn't a ZE:A fan but kept seeing kwanghee getting trashtalked in comment section at allkpop...n not a single soul defended him or told off the losers trashtalking (really, i scrolled down a lot to each n every comment desperately looking for even one)..even as a nonfan...i was so fking mad at how such nasty attitude condoned, allowed to spread so wide without anyone even try to put off the shietfire, just cuz he's not everyone's fav oppar...ppl were just casually talking nasty abt him for being plastic n so on...not a single soul to teach them some basic conscience...so much to the point that one particular article even made it to #1 popular article just with ppl talking shiet abt his looks n plastic, so angered i was that i just had to step up to tell off those pathetic jerks. and only after that i saw some people follow suit n stepped in to tell of those nasty creatures.

fast forward to a year later or more...i was already a ZE:A fan by some fate that brought me back to them...and i saw an editorial about their greatness in same site...and guess what...tons of 'proud fans since the beginning' were there....and i was....meh...how come none of you were there when they're in shietstorm n bashed mercilessly...so much for loyal longtime true fans huh. puh...

i never like being in fandoms anyway...i feel that fandoms limit a person's individuality n ability of thinking as their own selves rationally. they're proud to think n feel everything as a group...and once you point a different perspective or even say you don't like something...you're no longer a true fan...haha....i'm quite notorious for criticizing my favs, hoping they'd actually see my comment n think of points of improvements...because i don't like to see my favs to be stuck stagnant with sugarcoated empty praises thinking they're already perfect n everything's good...unless i really find nothing to criticize n it's really perfect n deserves no criticism to me ...so no luck on being a true fan...

even in my Battle fandom(the only fandom i want to claim myself part of to the end maybe)...to this day i remember the time a fan got mad at me for pointed out the reason a member wasn't as popular as the rest...n he's my fav member, probably even my ultimate fav...he still is. but the fan who supposedly had known how much i loved them for always being vocal could think i was bashing oppar....luckily i didn't even have to explain myself bcuz other fans saw the point i was trying to make n explained it to her. but my loyalty to Battle fandom maintained...and i choose to still call myself part of the fandom, proudly...mainly cuz they aren't even big or active...so less annoying fans naturally (the bad ones will always leave for shinier new oppars so the remaining ones are gems)...and the fandom...often touch my heart with how loyal they're despite our oppars' close to 10 year hiatus....and our oppars still mention us until today and thank n show their love to Destiny when their anniversary comes(even the ex member...who's still pretty much part of them anyway)...they're still close friends n always show it off n be adorable to each other....everything is so perfect in our pit of imperfection. i cried when a group of fans who went to one member's show last year or so rapped in unison loudly for the rap parts when he sang his own jazzy ver of Battle's song. and the members who attended and showed support. this is the kind of idol i'm proud of...your #1 oppars n unnirs can't beat this. seriously. never. i yearn to support an idol like this again...i mean, one that's actually active so i can uhm...support them properly...in ways i couldn't support battle with when they're still active...like....with $$? lol. but so far...no luck of meeting one...or even if i did...with the likes of ZE:A, Rainbow, Nine Muses....they're all gone.

 

but.

 

produce 101...the show that always make me become overly expressive n emotional n protective mother chicken mode...last season n this one too...

for the past few days...i feel the excitement and frustration again...that sharp heavy jab of pain for my overly invested feelings(not romantically lol) towards my kids i haven't felt for awhile...seriously how can i maintain my immaturity for a decade? wow...

after feeling that i had kept quiet n low profile suppressed opinions n personality enough...

i decided to let out my appreciation and feelings...

bcuz it ain't worth a thing until you let it out.

and i know, words are powerful...sometimes, one thing you say can change the world for someone...i wouldn't want to miss that chance...

so i get off my lazyass self to start commenting on videos of produce 101 season 2 contestants i'm rooting for...not all....obviously...commenting is tiring yknow...especially if you comment like me...hahaha...a couple words ain't my standard really...i'm expressive like dat.

i want my kids to know that they're loved. and not just for shallow reasons they might often hear. i want them to know that there are those who like them just cuz they're good, capable, talented, awesome, enough to earn that love.

i always take pride in my kids n evenmoreso, in my own taste. shallow or superficial or trendy bandwagonish things ain't my style......nope. and i'm fking proud of that.

but when i see so much n continuous hate n attacking comments at my kid kim yong jin vid, a fire lighted up in me and soaring lmao...i feel like the old days again when i was younger tsk...when i'm in an endless rounds of fights against nastiness...it feels great when your courage to fight attract more people to fight along your side...against those crap nasties...but i ain't gonna lie...it's tiring...n i feel really like some immatured obsessive lil kid that i really am on the inside...i keep checking for hate comments which really are aplenty and even super protectors/defenders of other contestants all lying around in my kid's videos like whut...the ridiculous thing is...i can't even say my opinion that he did better than the main vocalist cuz then the fans of that kid come attacking...i mean, why can't i say that in my own kid's video...? i didn't go to their kid's video to bash(in fact i didn't even bash him, i said he messed up the high note which he did messed up, you can hear it too if you're not deaf...i didn't even say he's a bad singer)...but it's like fans of all other kids are secretly lurking in my kid's video to nitpick when their kids' lackings brought up...or the kids mentioned so happen to have annoying fans who need to see nothing but praise for their kids even at a video of other kids....i mean....when i criticized the main vocalist in jeong dongsu video...nobody came attack me for it...either that main vocalist kid didn't have obsessed freak fans who stalk other kids vids...or jeong dongsu just isn't popular enough to have haters/fans of other kids lurking in even if every comment he gets are full of praises, deservingly so...n out of his team mates, he got the highest view so far despite being not really that popular n not having big/major parts in the perf...

it's like ppl make extra effort to monitor comments in kim yongjin's video just to pick a fight cuz they see him as easy target n seeing he had many haters made them think they can get away saying shiet things or nitpicking n complaining everything the fans of kim yong jin has to say...i can bet they won't have the guts to do such attitude at those popular kids vids...these are the traits of pathetic bullies...they only ever dare to pick fights with those they see as weak...ppl might argue that i'm criticizing woojin cuz i see him weak since he's a kid...but really...he showed limitation twice in a row...and in the first battle...his team still won...over the team with mindblowing vocals...and even now...his vid had humongous view n less dislikes even when he did have part he executed poorly. why should being a kid be an excuse for everything n to be made as 'weak'? being young is already a privilege cuz ppl keep being lenient on him even when it's easier to admit he's not main vocal material just yet n should just do sub vocals...even in season 1...you can see one of the youngest kids...who didn't even do well at all(the cube one), made it to the next round after first elimination...and also, fantagio's youngest one(they're both in same team btw)...for what? being young i guess...since they're not even that popular for anything else n their team in first mision did so poorly that they even lost despite having THE center, choi yoojung in their team n went against a team with no super popular members...that's how bad their team really was, that a reversal even happened...or just that hwang sooyeon led her team way too strongly with her charisma n they had superb teamwork.

speaking of season 1...i still couldn't get over the trauma of seeing someone who did as amazingly as niwa shiori who got lowest rank after her mindblowing stable singing while doing splits during fire battle. i rooted for her team cuz they're the underdog team...and their perf is more solid to me...although the other team had kim juna...but the underdog's team main vocalist, kim yeonkyung(another of my fav) did just as good...and lee soomin as a first time rapper...i like her raps better than park soyeon who's the more popular n acknowledged one(afterall, that 2ne1's song required more attitude than skill tbh n soomin nailed it)...but of course...as is with every other time...underdogs are underdogs for a reason-which is to be defeated by topdogs no matter how good they're. sad reality, but reality nevertheless. some underdog teams in season 1 still made me feel warm at their rootableness...like the bad girl good girl  underdog team. i really like them n even moreso because they went against a team so haughty n thought so highly about their own visuals n height n look down on their rival. i still remember oh seojung the clueless ditzy A rank girl with beautiful tone who chose the team members n choi eunbin's frustration with oh seojung's cluelessness when choosing for center/main vocals...instead of suggesting that, she said she wanted to do the 2nd subvocal part or sth n she thought they could change center according to diff parts of the song when they're supposed to choose one main center n stick with same person n choi eunbin looked like she just wanted to punch seojung lmao. (hyeongeun ended up the center for the underdog team while the topdog team had some pledis girl) n the rest of the underdog girls are lovable with their hardwords n teamwork...the only one i like i topdog team was kim woojeong who actually hated having to do that song n dreaded being chosen by the team and thought the center is overrated when other girls keep gushing about it...she'd make all the annoyed faces to herself....i guess she's only saved from being made a villain by mnet...bcuz mnet didn't really see her as threat or significant enough to get the evil editing...even if she had the potentials...unlike how they did to heo chanmi whom they probly saw as threat n didn't really want in the final lineup...yeunjung might've gotten evil editing during their 2nd mission...but if she could have all those parts n even interviews...i mean, with or without evil editing those things happened so i still didn't like her, i mean the team already agreed kim juna suited the song the most as main vocalist...but yeunjung kept up with her moody silent protest until kim juna broke down at failure to get her team together n succumbed to yeunjung's selfishness n greed for the sake of the team's morale(girl already got her freaking big moment in 1st mission n she could've been loved more instead of hated without this greed, she did it to herself really...)...mnet might have wanted to get rid of her but she somehow made it at 11th place anyway n as a result...she got hated after ioi debut as the aftereffect. i felt bad for her in ioi...but only bcuz i didn't like any of the other members. i also remember when kim chungha n her team in 1st mission was overconfident they're ier so they'd win bcuz it's sistar song...n how they look down on this one member in their team who were slow learner n did badly in practice...but when the actual stage...haa, the other cutesier team won n the member they look down on in their own team got higher votes than chungha...that one was such a sweet reversal. although the girl ended up eliminated in first round anyway...those little satisfying moments were really worth it.

back to season 2 kids...my kid particularly...i really don't get why other kids fans...especially woodam's n woojin's fans would like lurk in my kid's vid like 24/7 to nitpick even when their kid's brought up without even mentioning names like in woojin's fans case or just to bring in ridiculous attacks in woodam's fans case....it's like they're that insecure...for me, if i love a kid n think he did better than the other kid i dislike...i wouldn't even waste time on their vids....did you see me in any of those popular kids' vids? no time to waste watching them what more to leave comment there that i dislike them or think they did badly? i mean i'm not that ridiculous to go say that at their own vids...but i can say that at other vids can't i? it's just commentary...not personal attack, the differences are rather clear....

 

rather than that,: 1. i'd rather spend that time battling all the haters in my kid yongjin's vid...n letting them know that my kid has mother chicken who'd peck mercilessly at them if they dare be nasty at my kid...but really...i feel like many of the views came for other trainees...and that's just sad...ppl would even fight each other about kwon hyunbin n whoever else in my kid's videos whenever someone else bash them in comparison...like...don't you have any other place to battle people with...how bout stick to your kid's vid really...i hate it that my kid's vid has been like the ground for all random kids fans to let out their frustrations with other people's remarks on their kids....ugh. i mean can we like shut up about other kids greatness or passabilitiness? my kid did so well...even hitting high notes(your kid can't even/coughs so why bother saying he's better at my kid's vid???) and even doing low notes with good stability n tone...n harmonize quite well too...here...

appreciate him or say nothing. if you think other kid did better...why aren't you at that other kid vid instead? why brag abt that at my kid's vid? this a place for us his fans to brag of our pride in him...not for other kids fans to do promo for your kids...that's just....rude. n a show of inferiority complex.

ok...here's the all member ver.

again...i need to remind you peeps i have nothing against woojin or hating him just cuz i stated fact that happened in perf...if you backtracked all i've said...i was so amused/impressed by his voice at first...during Be Mine perf...until i watched full perfs of both teams n realized the other team lost despite this kid's team didn't do any highnote at all n played safe...but the team had some popular members is all...n again in this new perf...kid got main parts with another popular member bae jin young who didn't exactly impressed me as well...n didn't quite hit all his notes but at least no glaring mistake on his part...still not enough to make me rave for his singing... (i find it funny that both seasons had a sudden eyepatch moment...remember season 1? kwon eunbean during this position evaluation mission as well...) overall, given what i get from kim yong jin singing in here compared to how other kids did...i might not be as bitter or greedy if only he got more than 2-3 lines even if he's not main vocals...i mean he already got main vocalist role before this...i'm not that greedy...but he got tinyass lines when the main vocalists weren't even that strong...n had been main vocalist before this with not so impressive perf as well...and woodam's fans dare to nitpick on the perf being not great cuz of yongjin when he had the least part...do they want woodam to get all yongjin's miniscule parts? or do they want woodam to take woojin's parts instead n woojin do yongjin's little part...omg...that's bullying little kid as woojin's fans would say it...really though...so much ridiculousness...

either way...i'm realistic. i know my kid is leaving the coming elimination n maybe that's for the best...i just hope mnet didn't make more people hate him...i'd rather if no focus was shown about the change of center at all...since he's the original center but changed to woojin...i don't want him to leave in undeserving hate...just look at how happy he is to be able to sing onstage even with those few lines...my kid...i'm so proud of him n i want him to leave that show with a proud smile. afterall...things gonna get real ugly the longer the show go on with all the fight of popular kids' fans...

and i just been reading the comments in the video that mostly had Korean comments...and...

the top comment i see....someone saying they like kim yong jin's voice/he has a good voice(either one)....T^T....see that? just one comment for him, but it made way all to the top...even though other kids who are all more popular...had more comments on them...

my kid...acknowledged by Korean fans even with his small parts...while international fans(not all, but still...a lot) ting on him n saying he's hated by Korean fans and all blabla...

that's my kid there....T^T...talents will shine, eventually even with the littlest of light, even that can shine cutting through the wide endless darkness. he might get eliminated...but he can be damn proud n hold his head up high when he walks out...and i'd be not a single less proud of him...

 

 

2. and also, rather than waste time on your kids vids i'm not impressed with...i'd rather keep watching this mesmerizing perfection.

i'm so proud of him...this is an example of a kid who got increasing n highest view out of his team bcuz of his talent...instead of free views for popularity...his views wasn't that high at first but it grew n ended up outnumbering his team mates so far...ok let me give you a version where everyone's seen...

i'm in love with jeong dongsu's singing...his distinctiveness/uniqueness n just everything he did here...this is main vocalist material loud n clear n yet he got pushed to the back n is like 3rd in terms of parts here...ugh...what a waste...i bet their perf would've made more impact if he's the main...i'm not sure whether the main was lee geon hee or yoon hee seok or both....but yeah like i said before...lee geonhee has a very pure sound n style of singing which means...a lil bland...he'd be nice to hear in smaller dose...but pure straight style in big dose makes me weary (i really wanted to like him...i mean when i saw him in vid with jang moonbok i really thought he's gonna be my 2nd bias lol...but apparently...after two missions he didn't impress me much...i've completely dropped him though i'm not saying he's a bad singer...he's good but his lack of confidence is affecting the perfs n i think he should start as subvocals to build up his confidence or whatever)...n yoon heeseok too...is nice in smaller dose...like as the one with 2nd amount of parts in big group like in Call Me Baby where he's the 2nd to kim seongri's main vocals, he's nice...but here...with both taking the major parts n both didn't have outstanding sound despite being decent singers n doing many highnotes...they still sound kinda flat...hollow...(edit: actually, now that i think of it again and watching other teams perfs...i think the problem isn't geonhee's or heeseok's voices or tones...but the lack of emotion in their delivery/singing) even though i know they did well with hitting all the notes..somehow the perf still sound kinda underwelming for me....i mean seo seonghyuk sounded really good too, i'm impressed...and i really appreciate that he has diff tone than the two main kids with his kinda husky voice...how come his parts n jeong dongsu's parts (i mean the main parts...not supporting with harmony etc) are so little...? 

still....Amazing Kiss is my fav of all the perfs...i think it's the song...and Jeong Dongsu's amazingness. so much feels that i feel like starting a fic...dundundun...lol. another one? (but for overall vocal performance, i'd say the best is 'If It's You' team) but i'm also getting so much feels from my angst over all the hate shietstorm on Kim Yongjin...n his beautiful singing n happiness when singing. tbh Spring Day isn't a song that impress me at all...and i wonder if Yongjin had more song choices what song could he possibly choose? I had a feeling he'd go for vocals than rap anyway...but when he can sing even better than some main vocalists why the heck not? Ok since my inspiration had to do with these two kids...naturally my story would use them...but what kind of plot?

and i was thinking i should include Joo Jinwoo too since he's so freaking underrated n ignored right now(n might i add he's such a badass for being the only one in his team singing without that in-ear thing, n still hitting all his notes...now we have a real singing boss here)...i think vocally...his team here probly was the strongest overall, but his viewcount for individual fancam ver was so low....though surprisingly...the awesome main vocalist kim seongri had even lesser viewcount...n kim yehyun whom i feel bad for, for getting little intro parts only, had worse...everyone just cared abt kim yongguk even though to be really objective...his parts didn't even require much range/vocal ability...he just did well on the emotion n everyone swwwwwooooooooooned and forgot the other vocalists who nailed the emotion too AND the vocal...i personally thought kim yehyun channeled emotion the best bcuz he just has this really innocent n sincere vibe all over his expressions and all...i noticed this even from Be Mine perf where he danced even while being injured....thank goodness he got the vocal part n could rest from dance for awhile...though...it looks like everyone in this team but kim yongguk had high chance to be eliminated next...wow...i'm happy seeing top comment had appreciation from Kfans towards joo jinwoo...again, my fav...but to think that someone with his ability, and kim seongri too...to be eliminated soon while many subpar ones strongly remain even ranking high in their very comfortable spots are just....wow...i know the show's about popularity...but seeing people's standard at granting popularity just make me....wow...(and no, i'm not referring to kim yongguk...he's alrite despite not getting any challenging part here. though to compare the amount of attention he got for this perf compared to other vocalists who vocally shined so much brighter in this perf, is telling me ppl don't even stan based on talents/abilities at all...i mean look at the kids in top 20...it's really obvious...)

Anyway, yeah i'm thinking how to bring all these people into one story...

lately...i've been thinking...i think back to the roots of my passion for storytelling....i've always loved to tell stories...most satisfaction came from when i was a kid...and i'd always make up sad/moving stories to tell to my younger sister...i will make the sadness grow until she cry and sobbing hard n my dad would yell at us hearing her cries thinking something wrong happened n i'd frantically shush her. i like stories that can move the deepest core of your emotions...even better if it makes you want to cry but can't....yep that kind of sadness...doesn't necessarily have to be sad in sappy way...if a story can make me cry...i'd really appreciate it...and no, just cuz a story has death or separation doesn't mean it'd be able to evoke my sadness...it all depends on how you develop n carve those emotions n deliver emotions to your readers...i like those kind of stories...stories that makes you think....maybe regret....or feel like there's some sort of pain stuffing your chest...

i don't want to impress. i realized there's too little time to be spent on trying to find other people's recognition, acknowledgment...i want to write stories that can make me cry. afterall they always say write for yourselves right? i won't feel inadequate or embarrassed just cuz my stories don't have elements you'd find in every other fics...or just cuz they don't have bombastic vocabs/structures/superb grammar....or bcuz they're always about few same things...human loneliness, finding light/inspiration in bleak gloominess, trying to reach for unreachable dreams, and the world in my fic/the characters are always a mixture/blending of fictional n reality n mostly rooted to entertainment industry, and most often spurred/inspired by songs...these are all my limitations.

my limitations are what made me, me. i'm not going to hide anymore or stress about expectations or ppl's perceptions.  

i don't need to write or romance or or whatever just to appeal to readers...ok not like i ever or will ever write anyway...lol.

i don't need to do fancy genres/subjects just to feel/look cool...i'm cooler than that...i can find coolness in the most average repetitive uncool thing...so why should i worry if it bores people...

sometimes or rather, most time...the most beautiful of relationships are the ones that doesn't need label, rules, or fitting any words that you can describe it with...or shown with any actions...and the most beautiful thing can be found in the most mundane regular or even ugly lame thing...it's not inferior...it's just my own perspective...

 

maybe i'm just feeling sentimental right now....that i blurt out all my ideal aspirations...it does sound overly romantic n kinda pretentious right? i know that too...but everyone have their own ideals...it'd be foolish of me to say my ideal is better than yours...i've seen people doing that, indirectly of course heh...n i don't even want you to think my ideal is the right ideal...no such thing...i just want to completely allow myself to indulge n immerse in my ideal without having to feel lacking for the lack of idealness in my ideal...ya get me? lol.

who knows if tomorrow...i'll go back to my coward self...

but as of now...even though idk what kind of story i can make that has my kids...since they seem so different...lol....i'm going to go with my feelings n see where it takes me...hopefully...i can make a story that can make myself cry...lol. (wait...wasn't that my goal with Floral Rain...to make myself cry? lol...i don't want to recreate the same magic though. i want a whole different magic this time around)

i want to write a common lame typical me story that can make me fall in love again with my own story...lmao.

that's a pretty tough goal.

wow...i write longgg...as usual...

i wish i have this much passion for my offline life...haa.