I've been feeling really down today and I have barely said any sentences after I came back home from my exams. Obviously. I'm having a sorethroat. Nothing could be worst honestly.

It's the quietest I've ever been after Kpop lighted me up. I really want to say something or sing but I can't. I don't feel like it. I'm even contemplating what I should do. Studying doesn't seem like what I want to do but I have to do it. I've been really sensitive these days because I am so so depressed about my studies and so stressed over the results. (101w)

I had a quarrel with my mom over my bro and I. It's getting a little frustrating. I told my brother to stop making noises because it was distracting. Then he stopped. But it was somehow his presence that disturbed me as well. Is it because I'm prejudiced against him? That's what my mom said. I just couldn't stand his presence because it just disturbed me. Well yeah. A little too little a reason to be yelling at him to get out. I told him, "could you please go out?" And he was like no. He didn't want to move. I sat there just telling him to get out for five minutes. Then finally I lost my cool, I told him that if he didn't get out I was taking out a penknife. Extreme I know,but that is the only way to ge him to listen at all-- violence. I didn't want to touch that knife. I screamed at him saying, "I gave you chocolate, what more do you want? Can you get out please?" Then he finally ran out crying when I took the penknife out. He shouted at me saying that I didn't talk to hin nicely at all. Then great. As you know parents ALWAYS come at the wrong time. Always.

My mom came home and asked what happened, why she heard me shouting. Just great. Like she didn't even know how I felt. I just wanted to be alone to do my work. Then she said to me. "Everytime you see your brother in the room, you ask him to get out. How do you think he feels?" Then walked off.

I sat there thinking like yeah maybe I am wrong. I probably am the worst sister. Because my brother said he wished he didn't have a sister like me before he ran off. At that moment I really really wanted to cry. To break down and pour out to someone that my heart ached and all the stress I've suppressed because I had to act like I was haply all the time when inside, it just hurt like crazy. So I went berserk and screamed, "Yeah sorry for being the worst daughter and worst sister ever!" Then I locked the door shut.

Afterwards me mom came knocking on the door saying that I couldn't lock it. By that time, I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I just wept. I sat in front of my textbook and notes and wrote a few lines while crying and yeah I probably looked horrible. Then my mom was like if I don't open the door she'll rage. I kept saying I just wanted to work leave me alone but of course she still knocked. So I had to open the door. And she barged in pointing towards her hand. She just sternly said, "Are you happy now? I knocked on the door until my hand is red. Are you happy now?" 

Afterwards, I just cried. I sat on my bed with the pillow in my hand crying. Crying and crying. I was so upset. I closed the door again and continued crying. I felt so horrible. Am I that horrible? Am I not good enough? I was once a person more horrible than this so I decided to change. I changed. And it was hard. I'm barely even 15 and I'm here crying because I'm so weak. It didn't even feel like home honestly. Nobody even comforted me. Nobody even comforts me when I cry. They just sit aside and do their stuff. Usually if my brother cried, I'll go up to him and comfort him to say like nice stuff so that he'll stop crying. But nobody even did that to me before. When people want to comfort me, they end up criticing me all over again and I just want a break. Nobody even is gelping me through so why do they expect so much. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I want to tell everyone I'm hallucinating but I can't. They say I'm crazy or to stop my self pity. I tried to tell them but they didn't believe me. I cried once and kept repeating 'I hallucinate do you know? I hallucinate!" They just asked me to shut.

I had so much I hid from my family. I don't think I even trust them more than my friends. It was really tiring to grow in a horrible family with such weak character beaten down after being built up again. I was tiring. Each time I tried to built up my wall of strength, people just tore it down. I hurt. I just don't know what to do anymore...

Thanks to those who read till the end. Appreciate it much. Sincerely thanks :)