I've never really talked publicly about this.
Maybe because its just too personal, or im not ready to let the world see my weaknesses.
There's something heavy about the subject...something touchy that makes everyone gasp.
Maybe that's why. 

At the end, I really don't know why I haven't talked about it,
even if it forms like a ball inside my throat, ready to come out as word-diarreah any moment.
Dealing with this mental disorder has been so hard,
especially when you are labeled as the 'happy ball' by a vast majority of people.
I don't like to share a lot about me in these types of platforms that are so free because you never know who might be reading but,
everyone considers me as a very happy person who has up-beat instrumental music in her background all the time when in fact,
all I can truly hear are melancholic violins, trying not to snap and break apart.

There have been darker times. 
Im currently in one of the best times ever...
But the heavy feeling deep down my heart is there,
as if chains that have been embeded down to my bones don't let me off to be happy for once.
What frustrates me more is that I know the reason of its apperance.
I know what made me depressed and what makes it worse.
But...even if I know there is not much I can do about it. 
I'm either too young or too dumb to act upon it, according to adults.

So here I confess:

I'm sad. Sorry I pretended I wasn't, but im a sad person.
Sorry that I gave you false hopes whenever you said 'you're my goals'
Sorry that I gave you a fake smile when deep inside I was killing myself.
Sorry that I said 'im fine' even when I wasn't; I lied to you. 

One thing I would like to mention is that this depression has been on-going.
Ever since I was 10 years old, there was this deep sadness buried down within in me,
and as much as I tried to compress it and hide it, it always made its way through to my eyes,
letting itself out in silent tears in the corner of my bed, against the cold wall with a pillow that once covered my whole torso.
The point in this is that...it's so normal yet it's so private.
Maybe it has grown with me to become a part of me and of who I am...which is what makes it sadder...
 

I don't know who will read this blog. 
Heck, maybe noone and it will just be me letting my unconsiousness write (ofc not because im 100% conscious rn duh)
but...if you are reading this and if you feel a bit similar...

message me :) 
I want to be there for you like I wanted someone to be there for me.
I want to be your (virtual) leaning shoulder that I hoped I could ask for.
My cowardice and fright made my problems a ton bigger,
so let me help them minimize them for you,
like I wish someone had done for me. 

-imFineApple