Chan startled by the sound of glass shattering once he stepped out from his room, all set for school. He walked to the kitchen where the sound came from and saw the stiffened Jihoon next to the counter. The son’s eyes found the shattering mug on the floor. “Mom? Are you okay?” Chan quickly got to his mom and touched the shoulder.

Jihoon jumped lightly and his heel landed on the sharp edge of the broken mug. “Ouch.” Chan startled by that and looked down.

“Oh gosh, it’s bleeding.” Chan said and quickly brought his mom to the stool. He made Jihoon sit and moved quickly to find the first aid. Making sure he didn’t accidently step on the broken glass, Chan cleaned Jihoon’s cut and put the plaster on it. Chan looked up and saw his mom was still in daze. “Mom, are you alright? What happened to you?” Jihoon looked at Chan.

“I- I don’t know. The mug suddenly slipped from my hand… and I… I’m feeling weird, Chan.” Jihoon blinked once, hand moved up to his chest. Rubbed it a little, he sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t feel good.” Chan reached up to touch his mom’s forehead.

“You’re not catching fever… Do you want to skip work today? I don’t feel good to let you go to work.” Jihoon took a breath. He shook his head.

“No, I will be fine.” Jihoon looked at Chan. “I’m fine.” Chan exhaled, knowing how stubborn his mom is. Chan just nodded. Jihoon stood up, holding Chan’s shoulder. “Let’s take a breakfast outside.” Chan nodded without a protest. Jihoon smiled lightly and tried to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that rested in his heart. He walked to his room to get ready for work.

Jihoon got out and called Chan to go. They left the house together and Jihoon tried not to think of anything. Of how he felt so weird, so nervous. Of why the mug slipped from his hold. Of what he was thinking when it happened. Jihoon shut his mind from that thought, didn’t like the feeling that settled in his gut.

 

 

“Are you sure?” Joshua asked when he sat beside Hansol on the bench. Hansol nodded.

“I don’t want to stay because it hurts. Me, going away is not for myself to forget about that. This is for me to learn how to live alone.” Joshua sighed and looked far away, following Hansol’s eyes. Hansol was looking at the vast land, few stones stood tall in the green field. The young boy’s eyes settled on one certain stone, the newest addition on the land. The new tomb that had been put 12 hours ago, the owner had died for about 24 hours ago. And Hansol tried not to cry.

“I will help then.” Joshua exhaled. “About your mother and your twin…”

“Don’t let them know until I left. And uncle…” Joshua turned to Hansol. Hansol didn’t turn to him. “That house, our house. I can’t return there because dad won’t be there. Can you help me?” Joshua continued looking at Hansol.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Transfer that house to mom’s name instead of mine.” Joshua wrinkled as Hansol spoke.

“Hansol… you…”

“I won’t return to that house empty. I hope when I’m able to find my way back home, mom and Chan will be there.”

“You will tell them about your dad?” Hansol smiled.

“Even dad said so many times not to tell them, I found his letter for mom and Chan. I think it’s better to give it earlier. While I’m gone, they will accompany dad. I think dad will need it more than anything. He misses mom, I know.” Joshue exhaled.

“True… he misses Jihoon but he’s stubborn.” Hansol smiled softly.

“Because he didn’t want mom to blame himself for what happened to him.” Joshua looked at Hansol. Hansol just exhaled. “Mom… said something like hoping dad died with illness on the day they fought, that’s what dad said the last night we talked. He rambled one by one memory about mom, he misses mom.” Hansol broke in tears. Joshua blinked, feeling the sorrow. Hansol sniffled. “I hate that dad wanted to continue in suffer.” Joshua exhaled and gave Hansol a hug.

“That’s how strong your dad is, Hansol.” Hansol smiled and hugged Joshua for some warmth.

“I know. And I want to be like dad.” Joshua nodded.

“I will be here to help you.” Hansol hummed and nodded.

“Thanks, uncle. Thank you for staying with dad and me.” Joshua just smiled and hugged the boy tighter. The whole years watching Seungcheol and Jihoon’s story, and staying by Seungcheol’s side while Hansol grew up, he grew a feeling of protectiveness on the younger Choi as if Hansol was his own son. He had promised Seungcheol that he will take care of Hansol and Joshua would never break that promise as long as he’s breathing.

 

 

Chan was aware that Hansol didn’t come to school for a week. Their homeroom teacher said the boy was sick when he asked. He wanted to visit but remembered he didn’t know where Hansol lived and the teacher didn’t encourage him to go when he asked for the address. But the news today’s morning made him startled.

“Sorry to tell you all, but one of your classmates, Choi Hansol had transferred to another school as for today. Let’s hope he will be fine in new environment. Okay?” Chan didn’t remember the rest of the lesson after he heard the news. The boy went to meet his homeroom teacher during the lunch and he couldn’t get much information except the teacher said that Hansol transferred to study abroad.

The bell rang and Chan moved like all the rest of the students. Everybody rushed to go home but not Chan. He walked lifelessly to the gate.

Jihoon noticed his son and smiled but died down when he saw the gloomy Chan. The male approached his son. “Chan? What’s wrong?” Chan looked up and saw his mom. The boy bit his lips.

“Mom.” Jihoon hummed, encouraged Chan to talk. “Mom, today… my teacher said Hansol hyung transferred. He’s studying abroad.”

“Huh?”

“He didn’t say anything. He didn’t say goodbye. It had been a week since he came to school, teacher said he’s sick. But suddenly he transferred. Mom, the last I saw him, Hansol hyung didn’t say anything!” Chan raised his voice a bit, frustrated. Jihoon startled and rubbed Chan’s back, walking the boy to the car. Chan had started to cry when Jihoon made him get into the car.

Jihoon closed the door and turned Chan. “Baby. Hey, don’t cry.” Jihoon wiped the tears. “Chan.”

“Mom, why hyung didn’t say anything? This is weird. Mom, let’s find hyung. We need to find him.” Jihoon took a breath and held Chan’s shoulder.

“Calm down, baby. I will ask your teacher tomorrow okay? We will find your brother. I want to know what happened too. He’s your twin, my son too, Chan.” Chan nodded and wiped his tears dry. Jihoon smiled before giving a kiss on the hair and started the engine. He drove home as he was thinking about the issue at the back of his head.

 

 

Jihoon tried to search for Hansol, he did. He went to the school the next day to meet the teacher and asked about Hansol’s address. The teacher said they might already move out as when Hansol came to submit the transfer paper, the boy said he will be leaving soon. Jihoon wanted to try his luck and asked for the address. He was flustered when he read the address given by the teacher. His previous house.

True to the teacher’s word, he didn’t find anyone. He knocked and rang the bell few times but no one answered. A guard who accidentally there noticed Jihoon and told him that the house owner moved out two days ago. Jihoon returned home with nothing. When he picked Chan from school, the boy asked about Hansol and Jihoon told him about the empty house. Chan looked solemn and the mother promised his son that he will continue to find Hansol.

Jihoon contacted the one guy that he knew Seungcheol had paid to find Jihoon. He knew it’s bad but he actually knew that guy and paid him a bit not to tell Seungcheol anything about him.

“I lost contact with him few months already. He said he found you and he gave his last pay for me on our last meeting. Since then, I never meet or hear from him.” Jihoon felt frustrated.

It was another morning when he’s making breakfast and Chan was getting ready to school. His doorbell rang. Jihoon turned off the stove and quickly got the door. There’s no one when he opened it but he found a letter slipped under his door. It was document-sized and Jihoon wrinkled.

“Mom? Who’s that?” Jihoon closed the door and entered, noticing his son was standing in front of his bedroom’s door. Jihoon shrugged.

“I don’t know, there’s no one and I found this.” Chan hummed and eyed the envelope suspiciously. Jihoon went to the dining table. “I will open it during breakfast.” Jihoon said and put the envelope on the seat for continuing his cooking. Chan hummed as he returned to the room to grab his coat and bag before coming out. Jihoon was done and began to plating the food. Chan waited for the food.

They started to eat, more like only Chan as Jihoon began to tear the envelope opened. Jihoon looked inside. He noticed something metal inside and few papers. He pulled the paper and read the content. Chan just watched from across the table. Jihoon gasped once he understood the document. Chan wrinkled. “Mom?”

“Why this is happening?” Jihoon turned the envelope upside down and a bunch of keys fell on the wooden table. Chan wrinkled.

“Keys? What was that about, mom?” Chan asked. Jihoon recollected his breath.

“The apartment… Hansol’s house… this document said it’s transferred to my name.” Chan blinked.

“What? Why?” Jihoon shook his head. Chan wrinkled. “There’s nothing like letter telling you anything? The reason or something.” Jihoon looked among the papers then checked the envelope again. He shook his head.

“I don’t understand…”

“Me too.” They lost for words before Jihoon noticed they might be late if they didn’t move now. Jihoon brought the envelope and its content with him to work. Along the time, he thought about it.

 

 

Chan looked at his mom. “It’s a nice neighbourhood.” Chan said. Jihoon nodded.

“It is but I like to have a family house.” Jihoon said with a smile. “I almost buy a house for us to move but…” Jihoon didn’t continue and Chan really wanted to know next but he knew better that his mom won’t continue if he stopped. The two walked into the lobby and went to their destination. Hansol’s house. Jihoon decided that they should go to the house and might find something – the reason or where did they go. Chan agreed and both of them decided to go on the weekend which is two days after the keys arrived at his door.

Jihoon inserted the key and opened the door. Chan stood behind him. Jihoon entered the house, followed by Chan. His eyes scanned around the house as they walked in and stood in the middle of living room. Jihoon bit his lips. Nothing changed, it was the same as the last time he saw this house. His mind and heart remembered few sweet memories he had in this house.

Chan was walking to the drawer when he saw the pictures as his mother was reminiscing the past. The growth of his twin was evidently decorated the frames and his eyes fell on one certain picture. Picture of his dad and his mom smiled to the camera. Chan scanned around, noticing there’s only one picture of his mom there and his twin’s picture started from he’s about two or three years old. Chan wrinkled when he saw a white envelope under one of the frames. He lifted the frame and took the envelope. “Chan?” Jihoon’s voiced echoed when he saw what Chan was doing.

“There’s a letter, mom.” Chan turned to Jihoon and showed the letter. The son gave the letter to his mom and Jihoon took it out unfolding the paper. The handwriting that he recognized so much coloured the white paper in black . Chan peeked to read together.

Jihoon ah. Jihoonie. Lee Jihoon, my love.

I miss you so much. I don’t know why I want to write this letter because I don’t even know whether you will read this or not. I- really didn’t want you to know but I miss you so much making me writing this, I guess. I just need to get it out of me, this longing.

I miss you, I miss us. I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean those words that day. I know I’m in fault; I shouldn’t listen to them and feed on my jealousy. I should have trust you more. I’m sorry, I’m sorry of that day. I… I’m just scared that you… will leave me. But I’m stupid, I’m making you leave. I’m sorry Jihoon ah. I’m truly sorry. I know I scarred your heart. I have done something wrong. Terribly wrong and you ended up leaving me.

Chan… it must be hard you had to take care of him, I can imagine as Hansol is very hard to take care. I’m tired everyday but I’m proud seeing him growing. You must have the same feeling, was it? Every time I see Hansol, I will think of you. How I miss you and how I feel bad for him that because of me, he grew up without a complete parent. I know he misses you; he wants to meet you so bad. But that kid is as clever as you, kind of similar to you who are very expert in hiding your feeling. He didn’t show but as his dad, I know he wants you. I always feel bad when I started to think of this but I tried to make up to him with everything I could even though I know it wouldn’t be enough. At those times again, I miss you Hoonie ah. At those times, I wonder would you feel the same. Hum, I think this is shameless of me to think like that right? You perhaps hate me so much.

When I saw Chan, I saw you in him. Chan is so cute, so fluffy like the younger you. He takes after you a lot, wasn’t he? I just met him that one time and I feel it. I think that’s why you take Chan instead of Hansol or both. Because Chan looks more like you and Hansol takes after me… but Hansol still reminds me a lot of you. His behaviour and his thinking was a lot similar to you. Again, I miss you Jihoonie. Maybe, maybe it was my unconscious mind trying to find you in Hansol. Funny, isn’t it?

It was two years ago. The worst period for me, for Hansol. I felt so hurt that I hurt Hansol. I hurt him with the news that I’m sick. I was admitted to the hospital due to stomach cancer. It was a long period for me and Hansol. During that time, I desperately wanted to find you because I miss you. I almost died but the surgery went well and I’m alive. Hansol cried so much and I made promises to myself that I won’t get sick again, I won’t make Hansol cried again because of me. I wanted to find you before it’s too late, I need to meet you and make everything right once again. But still I couldn’t find you. I miss you Jihoon ah.

That day, we met. You look gorgeous, a lot more charming, and beautiful than last time I saw you. My heart hurts a bit; I’m thinking perhaps you’re over me. Perhaps you’re getting better without me. And I know you’re still mad with me and I’m right. You didn’t want to talk with me. I understand and maybe, that day at least eased me a bit. You’re doing fine. But I miss you beside me. I’m being shameless but this is what I feel. I can’t stop blaming myself of the day we fought, of the day you left me with Chan. I miss you, Lee Jihoon.

Today, the day I write this letter might be the last day I’m breathing. I don’t know, Joshua said I have few days left in his prediction. My condition had worsened but I tried to stay awake after Hansol slept to write this. I miss you so much, Jihoon. So much that it hurts to think that I might not be able to see you again. Jihoon, my cancer relapsed. After the first surgery, I have been told that it might be a possibility of relapse even though it was successful and here I am, on the hospital bed. The luck didn’t side with me this time, a second surgery won’t give a help and the relapse had progress faster than we thought. I’m worried about Hansol, I want him to go to you but by that, you would know what happened to me. I really… really didn’t want you to know that I’m sick. I don’t want you to blame yourself. Because this is not your fault, my fate is. Perhaps this is my punishment for not treating you right. I left Hansol with Joshua; he had agree to take care of Hansol. And I know the whole time Joshua had stayed by my side, he had grown a fatherly feeling towards Hansol. I’m rest assure about that but I know Hansol would miss you… and I told him I don’t stop him to see you. I really hope Hansol, Chan and you will live happily. Hansol ah, like dad always tell you, I never leave you as long as you remembered me in your heart.

Lee Jihoon, I love you so much. I love you that I promise you even though I’m no longer alive, I’m always in love with you and I want you to know that I’m always with you. I love you Jihoon ah. And I love you too my twins, Hansol and Chan. –Choi Seungcheol (XX/XX/20XX)

Chan bit his lips as his tears fell. “M- mom…” The son turned and saw his mom was crying, even harder than him. He began to notice Jihoon’s hands trembled terribly. “Mom!” Chan quickly caught Jihoon who was weak in his knees. The two flopped on the floor. Jihoon sobbed.

“No… no. Seungcheol… no, this is a joke right?” Jihoon whispered shaking his head in disbelief. Chan bit his lips and wrapped his arms around his mom. “No. No, I don’t believe it. You’re strong; you’re the healthiest man I ever know.” Jihoon kept saying in between his sobs. Chan hugged him harder.

“Mom…”

“Cheol, no. I admit now, I’m tired of hiding. I forgive you, I never hate you. I forgive you all along. I want to come back but I just can’t forget everything, so I stop myself from coming back. I hate that you give me pain, I hate that you doubt me. I want to hate you but I can’t hate you. I… come back. So please… I want you to be here like I have always believe.” Jihoon sobbed hard. Chan sniffled, choking his sob as he heard his mom’s words. Jihoon buried his face into Chan’s shoulder, gripping into his son’s shirt. Chan hugged his mom tight, his heart prickled by each sob from Jihoon.

 

 

Chan placed the bouquet of flower beside the tomb. He gave a bitter smile before standing back and glanced to the male beside him. The male nodded and both of them gave a bow to the dead. Chan took a breath and talked first after the bow. “I’m here, dad. With mom.” Chan glanced to the male beside him. Jihoon was wiping his tears. Together with the letter written by Seungcheol, Hansol also left a letter. He told about what happened to Seungcheol and also why the house now became Jihoon’s. He explained of where did he go and why plus he assured them he will be fine and he will return when he thought it’s time. He also didn’t forget to tell them where Seungcheol was buried.

Chan cleared his throat. “I didn’t like the fact you didn’t want to tell us. I wish I ask Hansol hyung to bring me to you. I wish that after I accept the fact that Hansol is my twin and you’re my dad, I go to meet you. I want to talk with you, dad. I want to spend time with you.” Chan sniffled. “I missed the chance. But dad.” Chan wiped his tears. “I love you.” Chan gave a smile and turned to his mom. Telling the male that he will be waiting at the bench, Chan left Jihoon alone.

Jihoon lowered on his knees as he reached to touch the cold stone. “Seungcheol.” Jihoon let his tears fall. “Cheol ah. Why you didn’t let me know? Why you didn’t come?” Jihoon bit his lips. “Selfish. You left me; you intended to keep me in dark, you bastard.” Jihoon broke out a sob. His finger traced on the craved name.

“I’m being bad to you. I know you hire that guy to find me. I- actually paid him not to bring my news to you. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to see you that time.” Jihoon stayed silence for a moment. “I regret everything, Cheol. I leave you… yes, I did. But it didn’t mean I’m okay with the fact you’re leaving me forever. Despite my hurt and pain, a part of me still believed you would be there waiting and you will search for me. This is my selfish thought, I know. But I always have a thought that you’re still there even I left.” Jihoon gulped. “I left not because I didn’t love you but it hurts me when I can’t forget that fight, your words and your doubt. I walk away to erase it, or perhaps I did try to move on but no, I could never do so. I have given my all for you and left with nothing. I couldn’t take back. I trust you that someday if I have the courage to go back, you would be there.” Jihoon sniffled.

“But I’m wrong. I’m very wrong and I regret that thought. I lose you; I had lost you forever Cheol ah.” Jihoon’s tears didn’t stop. The nose and the eyes were so red because of the constant crying and Jihoon’s voice slightly cracked. “I’m sorry, Cheol. Seungcheol, I forgive you all along. I don’t hate you. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. Choi Seungcheol, I love you.” Jihoon looked down. His tears fell on his lap. Regret filled his hollow heart; he couldn’t stop blaming himself for being late.

Jihoon felt the wind breeze and his mind tried to feel the calming cold breeze. Jihoon looked to the tomb, eyes still wet with tears. “Seungcheol, you’re forgiven and I wish you happy at the other side. Please wait for me when my time’s up. My love, my man, my all, don’t worry about me and the kids. I promise you I will take care of them very well, both of them. Our twins.” Jihoon smiled a little. “I love you, Seungcheol. I really do, with all my heart.”

Chan noticed his mom got up from kneeling. He watched as the said male walked to where he was sitting. His eyes turned to the tomb at the far and he smiled. ‘Dad, I promise you I will live well with mom and hyung after he returned. Please watch upon us and let’s meet again when it’s time.’ Chan turned when there’s a movement next to him. Jihoon gave the younger a smile while handed out his hand. Chan smiled to the opened palm and took it, holding it lovingly. Jihoon smiled softly and pulled Chan to stand up before walking away together, trying to leave the sadness and regret behind with the wish to cherish every moment and memory they had. Also remembers the one person that always loves them. Choi Seungcheol.

The End