so...my ex broke up with me about two weeks ago. its really hard for me because i really loved him and i gave him everything. but im finding that the hardest part about it is how much i miss the close, intimate companionship. if i had any random thoughts or questions i always went to him. or if i wanted an opinion on my artwork, or a new idea i had for some random thing. and half the time i didnt even listen to him, like i heard his opinion i just ignored it or pretended to take it into consideration when i reAlly didnt, because i just wanted the discussion. and now that hes gone, im realizing how much i depended on my ability to speak my mind completely to him. on the one hand its not the best since i only depended on him and im having a hard time depending and trusting in myself now, but on the other hand i really miss it. i miss that sort of best friend/lover part of our relationship because it cant be replicated. as much as i love my best friend and my close friends and family, they cant give me the same kind of discussion. it just seems inappropriate. and not in a dont-talk-about-your--life-with-your-grandma sort of way, just that each relatilonship is intimate in a different way, and the intimacy in a lover's relationship is different than any other. its so hard because i really want to talk to him and blurt out all my inner thoughts to him and ask his opinion on my artwork before its finished, and i cant. i cant be best friends with him because it will just hurt me and probably him and i need to move on so i cant talk to him. so im making this blog. i suppose before i met him this was my outlet for all my innter thoughts. and dont get me wrong there were a lot of things wrong in our relationship-it was  by no means perfect or anywhere near. like i stopped using aff when he came. and i cant decide if thats because i was just kind of moving on from kpop or because my focus turned to him. i dunno. i guess what im saying is i miss him like hell but i need to move on and i just...i hate that this is a lessone virtually everybody goes through-most of you who're reading this have probably already gone through this. break ups are ing hard. and ugly. especially when deep romantic love is involved. and you might go,'while you're only 16. it was just puppy love.' and i will tell you to off because what i am feeling is real. love isnt determined by age, and anybody can feel heartbreak. i thought i was, like, one of the lucky people who meet the perfect one for them in high school then are married for 50 years, and i had managed to convince myswlf i would never have to feel heartbreak.  i think that made it worse. as much as people warn you and tell you how it feels, nothing prepared me for the overwhelming pain i felt. it was like my lungs and my heart were being ripped out of my ribcage. granted, he broke up with me at a TERRIBLE TIME where i was probably the most mentally unstable i have EVER been. i ended up in the hospital last week actually. not just because of him though-being dumped was really just the cherry on top. i was in the psyc ward for a week(the second time ive been in a psyc ward). it ing . because like fifty million things built up and i was stressed as hell and super depressed and anxious and i felt abandaned(one of my biggest triggers)-even before he broke up with me and then he was gone and that just pushed it over the edge. but i felt really lame and i kept pushing myself down because i was convincing myself ovwr and over again i was there purely because of my ex, abd then that no there were tons of reasons and it was a vicious circle. i dont even know what this blog is at this point. i guess i just need to get my thoughts out there because if i dont im going to call him or something and that is just a complete recipe for disaster. ive really missed everybody on here. im sorry im not the best or most consistent story and blog updater. there are so many things and stories i need to tell you all, but those are for another day. hopefully in my next relationship, i stay strong to who i am and stay on this site. because whether or not ive moved on from loving kpop or being completely obsessed, it still ahaped, like, multiple years of my life-at least four so its part of who i am. especially considering my relarionship with my ex ahaped who i am and that was about ten months, so four years is like SUPER shape or somehing. i think my meds are starting to wear off because im having trouble translating my thoughts into tangible sentences that make sense.