Youth

By c0smic

reviewer : kshanti

 

 

 

 

This review is written from a purely honest viewpoint. I am not familiar with this fandom, this band nor these characters. I will be blunt and say that I do not really care for BTS, which is partly the reason I agreed on reviewing your story, since I will be able to give you an unbiased opinion. I am extremely critical and can sound harsh, but my intention is to help you grow as a writer, so I hope you are ready for what I hope you can take as constructive criticism. That being said, let’s get right to it.

 

 

title 3/5

 

» Your title is simple and short, therefore I actually really like it. This is my first impression prior to not having read your story nor your summary of it. ‘Youth’ is, in my opinion, a very beautiful word to begin with. As I read through, I found myself asking what ‘youth’ had to do with this; was it Yoongi’s age or something Jisoo missed? Both? It's a very trivial title.

 

foreword and description 2/5

 

“Seokjin is your estranged husband who lost his love and passion for you years ago, and Min Yoongi is your 24-year-old dirty little secret that only your bedroom walls know about.“

"Do you believe in love?” you ask in a hushed whisper.

He snorts as if you’ve just said the silliest thing. “How can I believe in something I can’t touch?”

You want to ask him who took it away from him, the ability to love. You wanted to ask him who could take such a big part of him, that he still hasn’t recovered. But you don’t. You only bite your tongue and say, “yeah. I guess you’re right.”

 

» The length of your description is good, short enough for the reader to have the time to skim even in a hurry yet long enough to provide the basic idea of your story. Upon reading it, you leave many details open for the reader to find out as they read, which is always a fantastic thing. It’s simple, straightforward and gets right down to the point. As for the quotes you’ve provided, they don’t tell me anything. They are not necessary. There are also minor spelling and grammar mistakes;

 

» He snorts as if you’ve just said the silliest thing. “How can I believe in something I can’t touch?”

» He snorts as if you’ve just said the silliest thing, “How can I believe in something I can’t touch?”

In the case above, use comma instead of a full stop, since ‘he’ is saying something.

You only bite your tongue and say, “yeah. I guess you’re right.”

 

» As for this case, a capital letter, always, in the beginning of the sentence, and I’d also suggest you change the full stop after ‘yeah’ to a comma, but that’s up to you.  ➝ “You only bite your tongue and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

 

» Foreword, for me, is extremely important. If the foreword is messy, too long, scattered, too colourful, it often turns me away from the story. Looking at your foreword, I wish you’d tone it down. Using too many fonts and colours is exhausting for the eyes, so I’d suggest you only highlight the quotes with a different colour and for the rest of it, use the same font and preferably black. As for any warnings, they can and should be in red, so they are easy to find in case they contain triggering topics. Now, I say this all the time, but foreword should definitely, with no exceptions, contain the following information: author’s name, rating, genre, characters, pairings and possible warnings and most importantly, disclaimer. I cannot see any of these in yours aside from the characters and the warning. It is important to provide the reader with proper information. As for the disclaimer, your work is an original piece of fiction, isn’t that correct? Hence you should add disclaimer rights. Your story is in no way protected at the moment. Anyone could steal it and claim it as theirs. There is a setting on AFF that allows you to disable text selection. Please, turn it on. That way your story cannot be copy-pasted anywhere or restored in a retrieval system, transmitted, translated or reproduced without your permission. As for the character information currently, I personally dislike if authors include pictures, especially if they are not in harmony with each other. These pictures are all different sizes and colours. My advice, use black and white pictures instead and make sure they are the same size if you want to use them. The smaller pictures, the better, because as of now, they take a huge amount of space. You’ve added credit, which is great and correct.

 

»  In the future I’d suggest you pay more attention to the visual presentation of your foreword and include basic information regarding your story. Please think thoroughly about your disclaimer and add it in all of your stories. Always make sure to carefully read through your text to avoid any errors.

 

plot 7/15

 

» I cannot tell much from just the description, so I’m intrigued to find out more of this. The way you write is very heavily angsty, almost teenage angsty, but you do use varying vocabulary. It is sort of annoying me, because this seems pretty plain, as if there is nothing more to this than sadness. A flash of unexpected happiness, or mention of happiness, in a warm way, would spice it up.

 

» Your plot is not exactly special, but it is engaging. As for the ; I didn’t fully read it. I don’t read het and therefore I will leave it out of my review. I will however say that what I skimmed through seemed fine, although perhaps a bit rushed.

 

»  As your story hasn’t been marked completed, I’m assuming it is not and therefore cannot give an overall proper comment on the plot. However I do think you could make it really great with an surprising twist. It is a basic love triangle story, very predictable and doesn’t really keep me on my toes, wondering what will happen next. Regardless, it seems you’ve thought a lot about it, so it must be constructed with care. I do not know, since I’m uncertain whether or not this is finished.

 

flow 10/20

» Your story flow is fine, but your paragraphs are awfully short, which is an annoying eyesore. If there is no reason for you to press ‘enter’ after every two sentences, don’t. It makes the story jump. Many of the tiny paragraphs could effortlessly be merged into one. I feel as if your goal simply was to make your chapters seem longer than they actually are.

» All right, so in the beginning I was convinced that what was happening was way in the past, but apparently it wasn’t. I’m finding it very difficult to concentrate on your story. As I’m reading, I’m thrown off by the imperfect, for all of this is happening in the past, but some of it has happened before this current past, but you are leaving it unclear. Is this making sense to you? Once in a while you even fall into present tense. It is perfectly fine if these incidents happen at a different time, but I’m suspecting they don’t. Please go and check the tense mistakes you’ve made. It would make reading so much easier. I will get to this matter later on.

 

character and relationship development 5/20

 

» Not a fan of BTS. I’m definitely not a fan of OC characters in key roles and ‘you’ characters. My detest for ‘you’ is so strong that I cannot for the life of me picture this ‘you’ at all, however, I’m trying my best. The thing about ‘you’ is that basically it’s the reader, on the other hand not. If you give a face (picture) to ‘you’, the reader cannot be ‘you’, which is incredibly difficult to begin with. This particular ‘you’, named Jisoo, I think is a very depressing character, yet sort of relatable. She’s however very immature for her age and doesn't really grow through the story.

 

» “Seokjin had bawled like a baby when the doctor, –” He doesn’t seem very mature to even become a father. Honestly though, this made me laugh. Not sure if it should’ve, but it did.

 

» I’m feeling as if you consider thirty-something old. It’s really not. Fifty-something is middle-aged. (Namjoon shoved a shot glass in your hand. “Look, we’re just two middle aged s enjoying a night out together away from our husbands.”)

 

» The relationship between Jisoo and Seokjin is, obviously, very distant and cold, but I feel that it should be something more. As I got to the fourth chapter, I enjoyed reading Seokjin’s thoughts about Jisoo, but as it was from Seokjin’s viewpoint, you should've addressed ‘you’ as ‘Jisoo’, since ‘you’ wasn’t the narrative. ‘You’ really doesn’t know and cannot tell Seokjin’s inner thoughts. For this, you need an all-knowing narrative, a third person narrative, which you did use, but then slipped back to ‘you’ telling what was going on in Seokjin's head.

 

» As for Jisoo, I’m left hoping she’d be a bit more developed. She feels loved when she has with the guy and has this idea that having a baby would’ve fixed everything. It’s very childish. The relationship between Jisoo and Yoongi is based on lust and , which is very fragile and driven by want alone, also Jisoo’s loneliness. Her feelings for him are quite well described. Her alcoholism on the other hand seems a bit extreme to me, as if such a character flaw is merely added for drama, which I’m not sure this story needs more than it already has. She is a very unilateral character – you portray her mostly through her struggle and suffering. As the main character, she should have more depth.

» The relationships stay very much the same. Although Jisoo and Yoongi have more intimate scenes, they don’t seem to grow as people and the bond between them remains what it was from the beginning. Since this may not be finished, I’m assuming the growth will happen eventually. Jisoo and Seokjin’s relationship doesn’t evolve either, other than the fact that Jisoo cheats on him, and he cheats on her (or has been cheating? Given the jumping tense, I cannot tell for sure). Is it really even cheating though, since they are so miserable with each other?  

 

grammar, spelling, word use 8/15

 

» Prior to reviewing your story, I checked your profile to find out how old you are. Since you are already in college and live in the US, I expect nearly immaculate grammar, spelling and rich vocabulary. I write this review as I read, so my notes will be in order and easy for you to find. If I find mistakes that you should correct, I will list them. Not all, but some you’ve made several times. You could benefit from a beta reader, so I suggest you look for one.

» Most of the sentences in the beginning begin with ‘you’. Now, it can be a very strong device if used correctly, but here I think it is too much. The start is very plain to read, since almost every sentence has a similar structure. As your story continues, the same pattern does as well. It’s more than slightly irritating. Using a second-person narrative is one of the worst narratives to use. Often it is used when the narrator is speaking to a younger version of themselves, but not all the time.

» I am trying so very hard to figure out what grammatical tense you are using or will be using. The use of imperfect is bothering me a lot, since you are sometimes (esp. in the beginning) using it in a reminiscing way, which confuses the reader into thinking whether this is present or past. As your story moves on, you slip in and out of your tense. Make sure to keep to either present or past, unless you are actually telling of something that happened before. In the following I’ve highlighted the verbs so you can see the change in the tense. Here is an example:

» “You turn just in time for the bedroom door to creak open, the sight of Seokjin’s head popping around the doorframe made your throat dry. He looked beautiful. He always did.  

“Jisoo,” he says your name with finality this time. For a moment you expect his dark eyes to turn cold. You expect his pretty, plump lips to twist into a snarl as he points an accusing finger at you. You expect him to see the from last night imprinted in the bedsheets, and practically hear the white walls whispering of wicked secrets and cruel betrayal. And for a moment, you can’t breathe.”  This thoroughly confuses me. You see, the two first chapters were completely past tense, but suddenly here we are in the third, getting a mix of both. Another example here:

»“You squeeze your thighs together, the all too familiar feeling of your arousal sticking to your underwear. This was not okay. This was so wrong, but - it was so hot. You were sure that Yoongi was a demon, because no matter how hard you tried, it was so hard to resist him. You became drunk off of his presence, and the taste of his lips sent you into another dimension. Your hands shake visibly, as you struggle to type a coherent response.” Are you supposed to use past or present? I honestly don’t know.

» “But little did they know that i love you’s had now faded into empty, –”➝ “But little did they know that ‘I love you’s had now faded into empty, –”

» I’m sorry Mr and Mrs. Kim, but I’m afraid that the probability of you ever conceiving a child is below twenty percent. ➝ Where are the quotation marks? As this is a line, spoken by someone (doctor) it has to be inside quotation marks. Same goes for the rest of the lines. Also add a dot after Mr. 

» “But in a way you resented him, because whenever he looked at you with such...distaste” ➝ “But in a way you resented him, because whenever he looked at you with such… distaste” After three dots comes space.

» “More coffee?” you needed a reason to avoid Namjoon, –”➝  “More coffee?” You needed a reason to avoid Namjoon, –” ‘You’ says the line, yet the following isn’t an indication of such, therefore a capital letter begins the sentence. If you want to indicate that Jisoo is saying the line, try something like the following: “More coffee?” you asked, needing a reason to avoid Namjoon.

»“Seriously, I don’t- ➝ Missing the closing mark here.

»“If Hoseok doesn’t marry me than I’m screwed for the rest of my life.” ➝ then

 

»“Lookie, we’re here~” he sang. ➝ Don’t add worms. It’s incorrect and though I understand why you use it, if I were you, I’d leave it out. The meaning of tilde is "approximately", such as "~ 30 minutes".

 

» I’m feeling like you are trying very hard to create these beautiful metaphors and similes, because they feel out of place. I appreciate the range of words you are using, yet I find myself cringing at some for they simply do not fit in your portrayal. Again, my personal opinion. Here is an example: “For a moment you stared at the clear liquid, hesitation crawling across your skin. But Namjoon was right; you were becoming trees stripped bare of leaves during winter, except you would never be quite able to recover the greenery you had lost.” The tree simile feels a tad awkward and unfitting.

 

» He laughed. “Feisty.” Again, use comma.  ➝ He laughed, “Feisty.” This is a very simple, basic grammar rule. Please read through your story and fix all of them, since these sort of errors appear quite often.

 

» ”Once again, he made you felt beautiful.” ➝ feel

 

»“Please, noona?” he asks. ➝ Okay so here’s the thing; Korean, Chinese, Japanese, whatever language, except for dishes and common borrowed words, I strongly detest when they are used in fiction, if they do not serve a key purpose. Especially Korean words have this immature stigma to them, which makes me cringe every time I find them. They are unnecessary.   

 

» Your use of the word ‘ing’ is a bit too lax. It can be an excellent power device in fiction, yet when used too often, is mainly a useless word. I suggest you pluck them out from here and there.

 

» I do not like when texting is written the way you’ve written it. I’m sorry, I just don’t. It’s very messy. I know that in real life people make a lot of typos when they text, but it should be left out of fiction unless a certain type of typo has an actual function, for example a misspell of a word that would create a humorous incident. The texts would look better and less awkward if they were clean.

 

overall 6/20

 

» Still not a fan of BTS, OC or ‘you’ as a protagonist. This story could’ve been better with an all-knowing narrative, from my opinion, as any other second-person narrator story, which I think is a bit of a naive narrative. Can be an immensely strong device, but if used throughout the whole story, so excessively frustrating, because it easily drives the writer to start way too many sentences with ‘you’, instead of looking for other alternative ways. Throughout the story I found it getting more and more depressing, which I guess was the goal since your genre is angst here, but it was a very heavy read. I adore angst, so much, I write it myself, but this was a handful. Not because it got to me or made me feel sad, but rather made me want to skip to the end, since it felt a bit forced. Aside from that, immaturity was what shadowed your story. I don’t know if you’ve been in a mature relationship or have personal experience of such you’ve described (and it is none of my business), but I was left missing a more adult approach. However I feel that this story is great for anyone who does belong in the fandom and will be highly enjoyable to them. To me, it felt distant and hard to approach. My intention is not to be mean in any way, I’m just very critical when it comes to fiction. A story has to be exceptionally great for me to give high points.

31 / 100

 

 

☆ I hope you aren't discouraged and will continue to write. With little care and attention, you will be able to clear your text from misspellings, grammatical errors and develop your style. Your vocabulary is already vast, so further expand it. With the help of a competent beta reader, your story will become more reader-friendly.