just the typical dwelling...ain't that the only thing i ever do for the past recent years anyway...besides doing questionnaires....when it comes to fic?....not like it matters...but it hurts my pride...and also...it hurts me...to be confused by my lack of writing...having my confidence sail farther than it already is...making me confused....do i really love this? am i really soulmate with this as i used to believe i am? so many doubts...truthfully...i never thought of myself as a good writer...i know i have some pretty amazing ideas within my confined simple/average settings but at writing itself? nah...far from it...i'm average at best...but i always am damn sure of my love for writing...so when i stopped for a long time...and find it so damn hard to get through the hurdles to just jump back in no matter what.....

it hurts.

anyway, i'm not in need of any motivational speech or quotes or advices on getting out of writer's block or something so please give me none n let me be. i can give those motivational stuffs to my ownself as i've always done. 

i just need a quiet place to dwell.

i like to dwell openly in public space...why? cuz there might be someone out there, facing similar situations as myself but unable to let it out...or to reach out for strength...

i might never know...but by letting out...i might be indirectly giving strength to someone out there...that's why i always like to blabber to no one here...i don't need sympathy for my own....i kinda hate it...when sympathy or kind words can do no good other than be comforting for what it is...i need real comfort...not this kind...and real comfort is not something i can get from ppl commenting or comforting me with words...so, worry not about me no matter what i complaint here...i'm not trying to seek for comfort from any of you...if i ever need it...i'll be straightforward bout it...i'm cool like dat....xD

 

so yeah time to dwell...of my frustration...it's personal...nothing to do with my readers or response or anything...but frustration with myself as the writer...

 

Unlock the Devil Fourever, is one fic i am...or should i say, was...determined with all the determination i can get from this world to complete it. the fic started with cool intention of portraying good vs evil in human, it started out well...it's my first venture with OC in this site since i was also out to prove that i can write OC that isn't the boring OC even i hate....the hate on OC is just too mainstream that i want to challenge it, when too many ppl start echoing same sentiment...things get so boring....that's the beginning of my journey writing OCs(although i haven't written that many fics with OCs as opposed to oppars n unnirs)...i'm writing an OC that was meant to be depressing but can't be entirely hated, she was flawed in so many ways inside out, she was surrounded by fabulously superior siblings but still flawed in their own ways who loved her so much despite not all show it outright n despite them always calling her out on her stupidity, and best buddy and a crush she'd never win... everything went well until the first brother died...i feel that from then on...the story's been lagging n lacking....for the second death in the family...of course i know all that's gonna happen...but i guess i lost all the confidence to pursue my intended path...although i knew the ending would be satisfying(at least to myself anyway) and i anticipated that ending...but i couldn't bring myself to get through the hurdle to continue it...the devil has been dragging the death of second sister for wayy too long now lol(can you blame me for loving Moon Hyuna so much to kill her? sorry Hyesung, loved you too....xD), and i find it quite uncharacteristic of the devil....and speaking of the devil...(lol)....it's hard to show or to make his character more impactful....the problem stem from the whole fic being exclusively from the main OC's perspective...i chose the first person bcuz i wanted a more intimate connection between readers with her mind, her feelings. because this fic is afterall about her conscience, morality, battle of good and evil, inner struggles...i wanted the readers to feel her complete innocence/naivety and i feel that couldn't be achieved by merely describing her thoughts from a narrator's perspective(at least it's not something i am capable of)...she is a character with intended slowww character growth...i mean, there's a reason she's called stupid by everyone... and also, she's described as someone whose weakness is her heart, and whose strength is also her heart....that's something very delicate for me to merely describe if i'm not describing it through her heart speaking...

But the devil's character is the other vital part breathing the evil side...and i made a mistake by creating a backstory of how the devil became the devil....now the devil would be seen as some hero with painful past...your typical kdrama hero,...but the devil really has anger and ruthlessness that caused him to lost his heart in the first place...but how am i to delve this deep anger within to show his evilness more aptly...when the whole story is written from the target's pov? the devil was never meant to be any sort of hero anyway...he's the devil...only one can win between good and evil at the end... i feel that the devil lacked evil. sure i know the devil kills everyone...n tricks everyone kinda...but i feel that i need more...it's also a mistake i didn't make the story from his pov alternately with the OC...well, i didn't want people to know too much of the devil...or else...we'd know the deception he does earlier than the story intended to unfold it to the OC...where's the fun in that? i prefer for readers to be surprised at the same time with the character...that's the whole point of writing first person. 

and then there's the crush's character...he was never meant to be anyone important other than the cause of all her tragedies but then i feel that i could do more with his character that's bordering evil/insanity despite his uber sweetness...i just can't think of how to tie it all with everything's happening...like now i made the neighbour missing/kidnapped....this is an opportunity to add involvement of other parties to make the OC more confused of how much she can rely on good anymore...but i couldn't tie the strands...n the tame devil is frustrating me too....but bcuz i can't show his mind...it's hard to show much of his true self...and it's too late to change the fic to multipov...now that it's 30++ chaps in...the consistency would be lost n i don't like that...

i remember facing same problem for Floral Rain (and i never learnt did i? haa) the whole story was from Kevin's pov...purely his feelings...his thoughts...readers can get so immersed in him...but Kwanghee remain a mystery till the end...we only get glimpses n hints from his actions. but Floral Rain has simpler theme...romance, friendship...life journey...those mellow stuffs...so it's not as difficult as now....and in Floral Rain...only those two were the central characters of the story....but in Unlock the Devil Fourever....every people would play a part in Hyeonrin's battle with the Devil, big or small. The family love and relationship between the five siblings is also the central theme, it's what drives her whenever she's weak. she's weak, she's dumb, but she can't give up bcuz of her love for them...and in Floral Rain...i made a special chapter of Kwanghee's diary to show the hints that readers might have missed throughout the chapters. bcuz after all the rollercoaster, i feel that everyone at least deserved to get some sort of affirmation of what was really up with him n his life the whole time...especially during the time lapse...as a consolation.

also, Hyeonrin isn't someone who's close to me in character....so it's harder to feel her character to the bones n deepest core of heart when i write her....i don't feel myself as her...at all....different when i write Jiwoo, another OC for my all-OC fic, Love Song in May...i feel her struggle, her state of life, although i don't feel as lonely/bordering suicidal as her...Jiwoo is actually an OC i can root for...n love, i love her almost the same as i love Kevin in Floral Rain...because i feel that i can actually feel their feelings. like we're buddies who never met. soulmates. although i doubt i'll ever met even a guy half as interesting than all the ones Jiwoo get to meet and my life ain't as exciting either(though it may be too early to tell since i'm not yet at her age...maybe...haa...)

But Hyeonrin...feels more like a character, meant to deliver a story. a goal.

Now...i've tried. so. damn. many. times.

the few readers i have/had will just see it as i didn't update the fic....but they don't need to know my struggles...bcuz it's a fact that i didn't update it. but what makes it worse is that...i'm not even a perfectionist...if my mind has set a goal that i just need to complete it...i won't care about not making it to the best of my satisfaction...as long as i could complete it....but even with such mindset...i keep n keep n keep failing to update...i keep writing some paragraphs which later would be disappeared by some chance like sudden blackout before i saved or whatnot...the next time i try to write again...i'd end up writing different thing...either something wrong happen again, or i feel so out of it...or...something...whatever excuse...

everytime i wanted to give up....i'd feel so heavy hearted...i just can't...but i'm tired of not giving up and not able to force myself to strive forward for progress too...

i need to either win this battle or firmly raise my white flag...but i'm neither here nor there...and it's very bothersome...

actually when i was doing the daily drabbles...it also bring back my confidence that i can do this n i 'd have a blast doing it...but once i sit with the story....back to square one...

but lately...i've been listening to this song n loving it...

it's nothing new of me to show my greed by starting 874897486975685758 fics when i know it's impossible for me to dedicate my attention to finish all...

and now, that greed, starts to grow in me again...

especially paired with another song that hooked me earlier with same title...

i'm getting vibes...

and uh, idk if it's good or bad but it has to do with conscience/good vs bad again...paired with secret, desire/insecurity and self esteem kinda stuff...mysterious, gamble, facade, game, dangerous-ish...

nothing that extravagant...you know i can't do those stuffs...i'm too simplistic...my forte is always my rooted n realistic/human characters...never the plot, setting or anything big...

but the keywords above have gathered in my head to form a petition to be written...

a game of secrets played by confident people contented with their life, or so they think...

i'm thinking involvement of devil again....idk if this is a good or bad decision...maybe this time...i can make the devil more mysterious/ambiguous n less literal...

i'm hoping if i do write this...it can catapult the drive to complete unlock the devil fourever though it's been so long n every time i feel at the back of my head that i need to accept reality that it's long over...i guess i'm such a clingy ex...but how can i say that when we never even properly broke up? besides, psh...i'm anything but clingy. in fact, i'd leave someone before they can leave me...not saying about love relationships specifically...any relationship/friendship actually...if i feel unwanted...i'd be the first to step out no matter how much words persuade me that i'm wanted/needed....actions speaks louder than words ey...

and you know what it means when i already throw my idea here...it means that...no guarantee i'd even start it...in fact chances are i probly won't....

ok but let's say i do start it...i need to choose characters...i'm thinking a few guys n girls ...Hyeonrin has made me so self conscious abt starting a new oc again...so i might need a break...or...maybe this time the OC should be unattractive guy....since i've done unattractive girl OCs...and super attractive guy OC...but frankly i think...it's harder to get love with unattractive guy OC haha...i don't think i'll ever write attractive girl OC cuz it's boring, everyone's done that...and if i want any pretty girl...there are tons of idols...

even though i'm inspired by WJSN song...i don't think i can use them as character...no confidence since i barely know them....maybe except yeonjung...haha...

the setting is gameshow-ish...n this time i might wanna use the successful confident figures...i start wondering if i should go against my determination to never write exo fic...and take one member...i always like challenging myself...if so...who? actually, not just exo...there are quite a few boygroups i blacklist to write/read...since they're too mainstream n not like i have any interest anyway....but out of all the newer ones, exo is probly the only one i miraculously somehow manage to learn a bit....thanks to the uberwild popularity in aff where you're bound to learn no matter where you turn to avoid...i used to not even being able to tell them apart at all....hmm, probly not...there are already 8568569078690578690786709 peeps be writing them...while groups i like...probly none so why would i waste that slot i could give them...girlgroups though...i can't write girlgroups i don't like. period. unless i wanna make her annoying biatch. haha...i have stronger feelings for girlgroups i guess...i can make boys i love as bad/evil/hateable ones, but i have too soft spot for girls that i even gave the ones i hate redeeming quality...

somehow, i feel like i'll end up not writing this one...but who knows...it depends on how long my enthusiasm can be sustained...enough to start the fic or not...

let's end this with something funny. some years ago...i saw some discussion thread asking for volunteer to help with recommendation shop n i thought...oh well, why not...so i began my first ever experience 'working' (sans pay of course lol) in a shop here...one day the shop owner decides to close down and i asked if i could take out mines to copy into my own shop, and this person said sure, but when i go into the shop, my name already taken out as co-author even without forewarn while the shop was still there...and after i had asked for permission to copy my own writeup some more...that's...kinda...surprising...i find it rude...but oh well...maybe i was the only one finding that rude...i decided to not make any drama at that time since aff already have tons of childsplay dramas n don't need more although i was very disappointed...oops....i had to write word by word again...good thing is...i made them better... ;) n today, i had discussion/argument with the same person on the topic of values/rudeness, surprise2....guess who's on the so-called baddie side? boohoo...lmao.

all i can say is...aff, the place where everything can be redefined....;)

always be ready for the comedy.

at least here is where i can feel n act like the child that my heart/mind is...

ok2...let's end with a vid...

who'd have guessed...it's a bigger group than IOI...yet Yeonjung shines here without being overbearing...i mean, i still feel bad for that 1 girl who only got one part...but overall Yeonjung doesn't even have the most lines(or even if she is, then she's not the only one)...yet still shines. how'd they do that? i hope in later songs, the girls with little lines won't be getting lesser n the ones with big chunk of lines wont be getting more......although i still feel that i need to know more of the significance of each member to be able to not be bothered by the numbers...what's up with the waitress outfits though....their outfits in the showcase looks better methink...probly gonna use it for other comeback stage...