Psychology says that women go after men like their fathers. If that is the case, psychology and my own brain screwed me over. My dad, my father, the first man you make a connection to who is supposed to take care of you, provide, and love you. My father has only done one of the three, which was provide. Ever since I was little my memories were absent of my dad who was always away, and when he wasn't gone he came home stressed and angry. He yelled at my mother to the point of making her cry sometimes and that was when I placed my dad and "bad people" in over-lapping categories. My father is not a sensative man, nor is he someone who shows genuine emotions easily and I was told to "toughen up" and grow thicker skin but I was just a child who looked toward him for protection. Instead of that, it felt like I was left to wolves.I never understood why my mother, who is gentle and nurturing, would ever stay with a man the polar opposite because people are not magnets and sometimes opposites just don't work out. A child is impressionable, and I still cannot see my father as someone caring. There's a space, five squares, between us on opposing sides but instead of overtaking we avoid. 

No one wins and life goes on. 

Two years back, when I was 17, I went to therapy and realized that most of my issues stemmed from my father and a lack of direction and love. Absensce makes the heart grow fonder but distance can make you forget. When I was eight and my dad left for a year to live in South Korea because of the military, I adapted and got used to his absence. I realize that I cannot love my father as much as my mother or brother do, I can't love him because I gave up on having that feeling returned. Going back to therapy, I also realized that the type of relationship I thought was the "norm" was one of constant emotional put-down and sacrafices. My father would yell at my mother who took it and as I grewup the more bitter and angrier I became. This was not right, I would think, but they're far into the game of life together that no one else would make them feel complete. Is this love? I didn't want it to be. 

Psychology says that I will go after someone like my father, searching for that absent love. I will go after men emotionaly detached and distant who I feel powerless against. What makes up personality though? Nature vs Nurture, but it's not one or the other, instead it's coinciding lines. My dad kept a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table; the bare minimum. Love shouldn't just be the bare minimum stuck to just skin and bones and nothing else though, and I refuse to let someone else make me feel like I'm less than what I am.

(I thank you for sacraficing for us

but don't be mad when I say

I refuse to be with a man like you)