I am shamelessly writing here that I am currently in an indefinite hiatus. Though that somehow didn't occur before for this long, and I feel like it's a crime to, I want to take a break. Not for the whole period. I just want a break. I don't know if I will be writing while on this break, but I just want to make use of the word to ease a little of the burden it brings to my mentality and feelings.

Lately, or probably for a lot longer period—a year, maybe?—I have been stressed, probably even depressed. Not about writing. Mainly about my personal crises. I may look cheerful, sound cheerful, look strong, act strong when you notice me here, but I realize I am not. I feel even like a coward because I used this platform for such a long time trying to compensate for what I lack, that it became a kind of escape from the real world. I have been hiding for so long. I feel like I am not even living a life now, probably just living another character's life from books, fiction, fan fiction I read, which I know is a terrible idea. You can always count on these stories to cheer you up, but they can't be your life. You don't want to only be laughing and crying because of what you read, don't you? I used to think it is fine. But then, the same books I read made me realize that I can't stay in a world of fantasy. Fantasies. Fantasies. Lots of fantasies that can make your dreams and hidden desires come true in a of a pen or a press on the keys. It is always like that. But imagine yourself if you're the one really experiencing those things in those stories. Imagine yourself being the one really laughing and crying, not just because of characters in a book, but because you are your own character and this and that great thing happen to you? Don't you think that is more amazing? Worthwhile? Happier? Because you are living your life, not one another's mere existence that in the first place is just a figment of another's playful imagination? Isn't it a shame that you know more about that character than yourself and that she/he has more stories to tell than you because they earned what you didn't in that period you are sitting on your sofa or lying on your bed while reading about them? EXPERIENCE. You're the real person. Not the character. Live your life like you mean it. So in the end you won't be daydreaming only about what that character has acheived because someone else made it that way. I tell you that, but that is also what I keep telling myself. I have to remind myself this everyday so I can't go back to daydreaming, imagining, being stuck in one page. That is the only way.

This is me, hopefully, moving forward. Won't be that quick on updates, but as a person who stick to her words, aspiration, goals I won't quit writing. I will just take my time and write when I can. I don't have to make haste because somebody else asks me to update soon. That won't be helpful anyway. It'll only just trigger anxiety or perhaps even strong emotions or irritation on the part of the writer (I am not an easily angered person but I am talking in general, it is rude to demand from the writer anyway—if you do it in a polite way, perhaps that is passable).

Anyway, even though I am speaking of moving on from books and the fictional world, I think I am writing about this mainly because I am as well healed by a book. I haven't finished it yet but I know that I am getting there, in time, in my own pace. Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? That is the book I am talking about. I know it has been published some years back and I must be a late bloomer in this, but if you are simply like me, who is confused, who doesn't know what next move you will make, who doesn't know where to go next, or who just wants to learn how to earn your peace of mind and feel like you are all alone in your trials but you want to feel like 'ah, so someone else is just like me', read the book. Feed your heart with the words. There are 108 chapters in the book, long, but take a day to read a chapter and feel like on this day you learned this or that lesson. The author may be just telling her own story and you think you have a very different problem, but either way, it'll help. It helped me. So I think it will also do something for you (if you are open to that). 

For the most part, I cried and laughed. The way the story is presented in a witty and moving manner in the book made me fall in love with it. And to be honest, I paid lots of attention to the kinds of meditation told, and well, how fate worked in the story like it's magic. I can't say if it is really magic, but perhaps being like that person (not really 'like' like her) who lives her present, who learned not to get trapped in the past or quickly build a concrete picture of her future, I can receive the same kind of magic she received.

I sound like I am advertising a book? Haha. Sorry. 

Please have a good day. But before that, take a moment, breathe and smile, okay?

Till the next blog post!