Leaving

I had my mom catching me crying two hours ago and wanted to know what's up and it took me two solid hours of another round of cries to tell, not everything tho, I never tell anybody everything, well

So I've come to a conclusion that I'll be giving up on GRAVITY and just everything on this site because I am done with life, I'll try getting on with it, but I have no talent whatsoever regarding managing sth in life as in getting a job bc I literally have nothing I can do well that a job needs, I'm not even good at doing simple tasks like being a waitress or sth

My only real work place (a hotel, which I work as a waitress) hasn't called me since August last year, and I don't think they're planning on doing that again, anyway

All I could come up with, what I would enjoy, is working at an art etc shop because I just really know about art supplies and the like, but this is no work with a lot of money to earn, and I need a proper job

I'm almost 20 and I have honestly achieved 0% in my life, I can't talk properly once I know people are listening to me, written texts of me are utter bull and I can legitimately memorize/remember/learn nothing, and I mean it, now ain't nobody come to me and tell me otherwise, because that's the truth, and most of all, what I'd need for a job: I have no driver's license because I'm ing scared of driving 

I wouldn't like to say it but I just wished I had never discovered anything like cartoons, anime/manga and Kpop because this ruined me and looking at my friends who hate everything I love I know I'm better off without it

My mom told me to go out for 's sake and get a life but I can't go outside in my town without looking like a complete loner because it's this small and empty

I haven't seen my best friend I no longer consider as a best friend actly since new year's eve and another close friend that was there for me in a very hard time since March (or more idk) and I just can't trust anybody, I don't talk to anybody, I'm completely isolated and I think that's better because people stop nagging about me and that's good

I'm usually not the type to tell this anyone, in fact, I'm as scared as people are of heights or spiders, I'm just scared of annoying someone close to me and that they could hate me and just, stop talking to me, so I rather isolate myself and cry every day rather than being a prick and telling someone all my worries because that was never me and it's never going to be me 

So I wanted to get this off my chest on here because I've been on aff for a long time, some people do know a lot about me from this site, and I've made really great friends on here, but my mother said friends are an illusion and it's true, she's been through everything in her life without friends and I think I just need to do the same, because I need to start looking at things like, is this gonna help me in the future and friends can't get you money and a job, sure they're fun and all, but fun is definitely not gonna get me money so she wakes me up every time I tell her things about my friends (what I actly never do, sooo)

I have a lot more to tell, but I think this is enough because this is already more than enough, ain't no peep is gonna read all through this, but anyway

Thank you, it indeed was a beautiful journey :)

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
mistressdean
#1
I'm turning 20 in October, and let me tell you, I have zero achievements and motivations. Am I happy? No. Content, but not over-the-moon happy. I consider myself friendless. I dropped all of my friends in high school. YES. I literally dropped out of their lives and they never heard from me again. I almost dropped out my senior year too (when there were only two months until graduation). I was accepted into State and City colleges, but I didn't go. I didn't trust myself to not repeat my reckless behavior in high school. I needed a break. Away from people I once called my friends. Away from adults. Away from the oppression. The depression. Everything. I became a recluse for nearly two years. I was better off alone and it's true. I don't regret it. I learned to love myself. I learned to be a better person. I learned to have fun and say " you" to everyone. I normally go out when it's with my family. I party and drink when it's with my cousin. I made some casual friends through her, and hey, I might have even met someone I like ;)
I'm still finding myself and that's okay with me. I'm not ready. I'm getting there. But I'm not.
So girl, you do what feels right for you. I hope your mother and friends will stop bringing you down. You have a community here who supports you. Don't forget us :) Because I sure as hell won't forget you.
BBCnTSFAM
#2
I've been through a lot and I'm 22 this year. I'm still no where, and I haven't achieved anything in life, but hey, life is for learning and going with the flow. If something makes you happy, do it. If something makes you feel good about yourself, do it. I know that parents can be overwhelming many of the times, and mine are too, but everyone moves at a different pace. Many will achieve soo many things at a young age. While others, like me, should achieve something already, but don't know what to do with life. Life takes time. Run it at your own pace and don't live to satisfy anyone, but yourself. Kpop, Asianfanfics, Korean culture, and dramas are my resting place. Whenever I surround myself with Kpop, Asianfanfics, and Korean shows/drama, I feel happy. Yes, of course you need to focus on school and work and other personal things, but if things like Kpop, Asianfanfics, and watching Korean shows/drama makes you happy, keep at it.
I know this may be confusing, but just know that through time, things will get better. Remember, to run life at YOUR own pace. Things will be easier that way. Don't go too fast or too slow. Once you have something you want, I know you'll get it and achieve it! Fighting!
Marvels_
#3
Ich werd das jetzt mal in Deutsch schreiben :P

Du brauchst dir echt keine Sorgen machen, ich werd jetzt 23 und bin immer noch am studieren und fang jetzt sogar nen neuen studiengang an, weil mein alter mir nicht gefallen hat, Also bin ich 26 wenn ich meinen Bachelor habe (eventuell) und 28 (oder älter) wenn ich noch Master mache. Also Kopf hoch, du bist noch so jung :)

Aber, deine Mutter hat schon irgendwo recht, es hilft nicht, nur zu Hause vor dem Computer zu sitzen. Alles im Leben kommt, wie es kommen soll, aber du solltest auch irgendwo einen eigenen Antrieb haben und ein paar Dinge selbst in die Hand nehmen, auch wenn es schwierig ist (ich spreche aus Erfahrung :'D).

Du bist nicht deine Mutter und nur weil sie es ohne "Freunde" durch das Leben geschafft hat, heißt es nicht, dass du es musst. Eins deiner Probleme ist gerade deine Verschlossenheit. Natürlich heißt das nicht, dass du allen alles erzählen musst, aber es sollte schon Leute geben, denen du dich anvertrauen kannst (bei mir ist es meine beste Freundin und mein Verlobter). Denk vorallem nicht immer ans Geld. Geld macht dich nicht glücklich, auch wenn du es im Leben brauchst. Wenn du solche Denkansätze hast, dann wirst du nur verzweifeln.

Versuch dir wirklich erstmal klar zu machen, was du wirklich willst im Leben. Wenn du etwas mit Kunst machen willst, dann tu das. Es gibt zum Beispiel Ausbildungen zum Werbedesigner, oder zum technischen Zeichner, etc. Lass den Kopf nicht hängen :)
Vielleicht würde es dir auch gut tun, eventuell von zu Hause und aus deiner Ortschaft auszuziehen? Das tut manchen Leuten gut, weil sie auf sich selbst gestellt sind und damit umgehen müssen und somit auch lernen, ihr Leben in den Griff zu bekommen.
(1/2)
itstosun
#4
Hey! We don't talk much, but I'm just here to tell you that these bad times will pass. I've experienced most of the things you listed, and now I'm better. Not fully happy, but so much closer to it.
But like you, I used to never tell my parents - not even my mum - about anything. They never knew about how many times I wanted to go back home to our home country because I didn't just fit in here, I didn't have many friends then either but at least I didn't "stand out" as a foreigner. I didn't have many friends - in fact, to this day, I considered them as merely acquaintances. I didn't have anyone to tell anything. But even so, I was okay being by myself, no one distracted me with my studies. Everyone else laughed at the mention of anything "Korean". But then someone came along, and suddenly there's five of us. All four them became friends me despite me being a Kfangirl - it turned out they are fangirls themselves, just of different things. It's been five years, they've helped me with my school assignments in our senior year (honestly, they basically did the whole thing for me since I can't learn anything, I'm illiterate af, I'm shy and quiet), they've helped me prepare for job interviews (I didn't get it because I missed their call), and just recently, they asked me why I didn't do the degree I really wanted to do because I'm "good at it". That question made me rethink my life choices. I didn't do that degree because I wanted to major in Korean. And go to Korea. That's how much this whole Kpop thing ruined me. But it was my friends who made me realize that. So, like you said, friends may not give you money, or a job, but they can help you. There will come the time where you find the right ones who will do the same. If that means you have to let go of Kpop, of anything else you've "devoted" your life to, then so be it. At the end of the day, it's something all of us has to do someday. I hope that you find happiness and what you feel is your purpose in life! Good luck!
IridescentDreamer
#5
I actually read all of it. I hope I can say something to make you feel better but I have been through that just recently as well so maybe I kind of know how it feels.
We don't really talk much but I really think you are an awesome person.
I know real life is calling you but to be honest, I really do hope that you wouldn't give up on your art and whatever you love doing because YOU ARE REALLY EFFIN GOOD AT IT. I know lots of people say that it's hard to get a job in art but someday...if there's any way that you can have a job and at the same love it, wouldn't it be amazing? Don't give up please. I'm 21 and I'm still even at school omfg orz

Also, I'll miss you. Even if we only talked briefly, you are one of those people I won't forget in this place :( I wish you the best. And don't worry, everything will be okay soon. Just believe in yourself.
NumberOneShawol
#6
I definitely read this, love, so first of all, *cuddles and hugs you* If you ever want to talk, I am here for you. And you will do great things, regardless what you may think. I didn't accomplish anything until I was older, and even now I haven't really accomplished anything great. The best people in the world take longer to blossom. Just hold your head high because you are an amazingly beautiful person. And the driving thing, don't worry about it. I was afraid of driving too, literally terrified, so you're not the only one and it doesn't make you weird for not wanting to drive. If you don't think you have friends, you're wrong. You have me, and from the comments below, you have the rest of us.
creamysmiles
#7
I read this and I can tell you I RELATE TO LITERALLY EVERYTHING. I grew up with over protective parents who baby'd me through until my current age. I have no skills in life and I'm so scared to even talk to people I can't even order my own food and my whole family talk about me all the time. Like how do you conversation with people? Also I don't even have the ability to learn anything so let me tell you you're not the only one. Who am I to tell you to stay or leave though? Just as long as you have some kind of escape when you need it and maybe come back every once in a while?
SoneShane #8
i read this. i can tell you right now, no ones perfect. don't worry about what other people think about you. don't let people bring you down. you're not the only one who feels alone. everyone has their ups and downs. you just got to keep your head up and keep moving forward. you're still young and have a long way to go. don't give up. "life is how you make it" so make it the best way you can <3
sekaii
#9
NO STEPH OMG WHEN I SAW YOUR BLOG POST AND THE TITLE I WAS PRAYING IT WASN'T WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
No! Don't let others put you down, especially your mom. To be honest, I can relate to what you are feeling now. This was how I felt in high school up till senior year where my parents didn't even believe I would even get into college. You still have so many years ahead of you and I can tell you that in my experience, that you still have time. Do what you want to do and don't let others tell you that you can't do it. It sounds cheesy, but if you put your mind to it and set a goal, you will get closer to that goal. As for friends, you will make newer and better ones. I haven't been keeping in touch with my best friend since high school and tbh, she made new friends. I completely understand and as we grow older, we break the circle that was once mended.
It is okay to be afraid because life is just full of surprises. In a way, you can choose to have your own freedom. It may seem hard on you at first, but after awhile you will transition to become an independent young lady.
Steph, if you need anyone to talk to, I will always be here for you. And I'm not saying this just because I'm your friend, I also care about you.
And who says internet friends aren't real? I'm talking to you right, not directly, but you can see my words. Now that's real.
I hope you can find a job that makes you happy and pays well. It's best of both worlds and certainly not impossible ;)
taoftsehun #10
ill miss you but come back soon and i hope your okay in your future boo
KLSoEul
#11
I wish you all the best and good luck in the future. :)