BETRAYAL... WERE THEY REALLY MY FRIENDS???

So this happened about two or three weeks ago. I lost a very large group of friends, a group of 7 people whom I held very dear to me. I've had known for over 3 years ever since I joined high school.

They were the group of friends whom I would always tell my problems to. Even though they didn't know how to respond or give me advice they would at least listen to my problems. They were the close friends whom I could easily contact. I felt so comfortable talking to them. I talked to them more about my problems than I did with my two best friends, since our schedules never matched as we were all dealing with part time jobs and our coursework at our colleges.

It was really sudden and it shocked me. All of a sudden some of those friends turned around and accused me of not caring about their welfare. Told me I was insensitive and too vague with my responses. We mostly talked via Facebook messenger since we don't go to the same schools anymore. Sometimes I would post my issues to them the same time as one of them would. I don't read the messengers that appear beforehand a lot of the time cause they message the chat literally 24:7 so I can't tell if the last message was from 5 seconds ago or 5 hours ago etc.

So one day of those clashes of messages occurred and they started to verbally attack me about listening to them and not caring. I felt so betrayed by their words, cause I have never mentioned that I didn't care. There has never been a day where I have turned around and told them to off with their problems. I was there for all of them, when one of the group was in hospital for days after a failed suicide attempt. I pushed away my emotions of also suffering with depression and suicidal tendencies just so I could be a shoulder to lean on.

So to me it didn't make sense for everyone to turn on me. Yes, I notice how I respond with one worded sentences to people but I'm like that with everyone. I put up a wall between my heart and my brain, because I get told I act too sensitive about myself. So what I say doesn't always represent how I truly feel.

Those friends knew I suffered from anxiety so they knew I get panic attacks and go mute when it kicks in. They also knew I had depression and suicidal tendencies and that everyday I think of different ways to die. They also know that I don't get professional help or medication for any of these problems of mine. They knew that I'm on bad terms with my mum cause of my gender identity. Those are only a few of the reasons to why I act up in front of others, but I have never hurt someone else cause of it. It's as if those "friends" completely forgot about my issues and swept it underneath the rug and acted that they didn't know I was suicidal.

I don't sleep too well either, I get hypnic jerks in my sleep everyday and I fall asleep while I'm at college. I'm pretty sure I'm anemic, but I still need to see a doctor to see if that's the case with me. I think I might have a personality disorder of some kind, cause I literally have so many personas with the way I act. I will be your friend for one moment and the next I could be screaming at you or I could be on the verge of tears. I don't know, but I'm certain that I suffer from several psychological illnesses. I just don't have the confidence in myself to seek professional help from a doctor.

Those friends have now told me that it's all a misunderstanding, but I'm still hurt by their actions. Because this isn't the first time they've treated me like that and to be honest I don't want to fear that I might be treated like that again. I've moved on almost completely but at times I still get upset over the thought of it.

im still asking myself if all these years I've know them have been a lie.

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inspiritpika
#1
Go and try to seek for help.even if it just one person that trust you, you should be thankful to them. People doesnt understand how depression and suicidal works.they thought it will go away someday but it slowly make you suffer inside . I know i been there before. Please before anything else try to seek for help.try to find any support group for deppresion and mental ilness.you have to see a doctor before it too late.dont make yourself suffer anymore.your life is decided by you . You are the one who make the decision to be happy or suffering all by yourself. Please.
snsdFXexoNUESTlover
#2
Stuff them! They don't deserve your attention, you've got at least 50 of us here for you anyways :PP Stay strong, people like those don't deserve to be in your life. I know this is cheesy but its God telling you cut off those poisonous relationships from your life. You WILL find better and more caring people, there are many out there. Maybe it'll start off here, on AFF
yanling #3
Cheer up! You can always talk to me, although we dun know each other
sleepingprince
#4
Friends come and go.. Most important thing is to accept and love yourself. Stay strong