Invisible

What is solitude? Is that a being completely alone in one room or being in a room filled with a people but yet feeling lonely? I spend my life like that.

I remember watching South Korean remake of popular Antique Bakery serie and i was cought up by the sentence: You had tried it too hard, thats why you are loosing it. Am i trying too hard? Maybe yes.
I have inperfect body and because of that i was being compared with others a lot. I have complexes. Because i am not perfect as their beauti ideals in their heads. I do not have a slim body, nice long shiny hair, slim straight nose, or big s, and i dont look like a photo model. I am just invisible to others compared with them. aWords like  you are fat, eat this all you pig, eat less and several scolding made me to have no corner for move. I started to dive myself in food in order to stop this pain of being guilty for being born.

In order to compense all of this issue, i tried to be the best on so many sides but never, never had courage and support to became not the best but to became someone important. I learned to paint, i became painter easely  and start comming at atelje, but- i quit. I wanted to act, i had a good progress there and-quit. I wanted to sing , i was singing pretty good and- lost my voice. I started doing make up, people start talking and - stopped doing it for others. I lost myself at pointing to myself that i exist. That i am not invisible.

But in the society who is not digging more than scratching the surface of existing, i am noone. I am just trying too much to became respected. Because my body is not good enough.

Maybe thats why i was invisible for men i liked before. Because, i am trying too much to be visible, i became transparent to them. I became transparent to everyone.

I am now in bed, thinking all about it and wondering how long i will endure till i got fed up. How long i will have to search for happiness till someone see me without me trying to be visible. When the day will come when someone will respect my living. When i could stop trying too hard. When i will  became someone worth of attention?

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BlackChaos
#1
A lot of thing happens constantly. I was wondering was it a fate, or curse? Did somebody castes spell upon a me? Did i made such a great sin in the past to be punished with a bad future? No one will know. I just know now that every lucky hit misses me and every bad luck hit strikes me right in the heard.
Lionpeach
#2
I feel what your feeling cause for this past months i been nothing but invisible & i just stay reminscing about my old memories.... Dont feel sad unnie youll get thru this #Hawthing !!
sleepingprince
#3
Do not think lowly of yourself. You need to accept and love yourself even more. In life everyone wants to be perfect , pretty , successful and etc.. who dosent right? but there are many factors that should be considered as well... Things like genetic and etc.. Thats not something that you can change right? you are born with it.. So its best to accept yourself . When you start to accept and love yourself , you will start to see things differently. It dosent matter what others have to say or think but it does matter on what you think.. If you could just believe more in yourself , you can be anything that you want to be. Never ever give up on yourself.