Invisible
What is solitude? Is that a being completely alone in one room or being in a room filled with a people but yet feeling lonely? I spend my life like that.
I remember watching South Korean remake of popular Antique Bakery serie and i was cought up by the sentence: You had tried it too hard, thats why you are loosing it. Am i trying too hard? Maybe yes.
I have inperfect body and because of that i was being compared with others a lot. I have complexes. Because i am not perfect as their beauti ideals in their heads. I do not have a slim body, nice long shiny hair, slim straight nose, or big s, and i dont look like a photo model. I am just invisible to others compared with them. aWords like you are fat, eat this all you pig, eat less and several scolding made me to have no corner for move. I started to dive myself in food in order to stop this pain of being guilty for being born.
In order to compense all of this issue, i tried to be the best on so many sides but never, never had courage and support to became not the best but to became someone important. I learned to paint, i became painter easely and start comming at atelje, but- i quit. I wanted to act, i had a good progress there and-quit. I wanted to sing , i was singing pretty good and- lost my voice. I started doing make up, people start talking and - stopped doing it for others. I lost myself at pointing to myself that i exist. That i am not invisible.
But in the society who is not digging more than scratching the surface of existing, i am noone. I am just trying too much to became respected. Because my body is not good enough.
Maybe thats why i was invisible for men i liked before. Because, i am trying too much to be visible, i became transparent to them. I became transparent to everyone.
I am now in bed, thinking all about it and wondering how long i will endure till i got fed up. How long i will have to search for happiness till someone see me without me trying to be visible. When the day will come when someone will respect my living. When i could stop trying too hard. When i will became someone worth of attention?
Comments