A year ago, I've start developing my feeling or my fangirl feeling towards Kai after watching his performance of Growl in Mama 2013.. That time, it's hard to choose the bias in Exo since they all are talented and handsome, but I  decided to choose the black hair boy, who dance so passionately in the middle, with the thought, argh this boy is not so handsome, probably the least popular too within the group, so I'll stand for him (I always root for someone who is not so famous), but I'm wrong. The more I learn about him, the more I know my first thought about him was a mistake. Kai's popuarity is no joke.

Then, since I'm also fangirling towards actress Song Ji Hyo through Running Man, the idea of shipping them suddenly popped out from my mind. Actually, i always ship her with another idols that she once works or meets for example kim jaejoong. They have a lot of moments but that shipping did not last long. It's maybe i don't love Kim Jaejoong. So, without any further thought, i made the first video of Kai and Jihyo and uploaded it on youtube. I was receiving the hates and loves from that video. 😅

4 months later, i opened an instagram account, @kai_jihyo. At there, i put all my loves, my soul, my heart just because i hope one day, Kai and Jihyo will meet and have a real moment in real life. They both were already meet actually, twice in Running Man, and numerous times in an award event. But, they have no interact to each other unless they're bowing like a normal people does, and some moment when Jihyo ripped his name tag on Running Man, and some moment when Kai mischievously pushed her pad away when they played in water pool. For me, as #jonginjihyo shipper, they're the best moments between them that I can adore. How pathetic I am, right?

I know all about #kaistal thing from the beginning, and there's no need time to guess that Kai is actually have the feeling towards Krystal long time ago. So, i kinda expect this will be happen one day, but i just don't expect this just happen too soon. I heard the news while I'm in a study trip and for the whole day, i couldn't focus on that trip. All my classmates knew that I'm a Kai's hardcore fan and they couldn't stop bugging me with the support words. I'm acting like I'm just break out with my boyfriend but it's true. The feeling is the same with the last time i broke out with my boyfriend 5 years ago. I was betrayed because i caught him cheating with the junior. I'm lost for a long time, before i can recover back from that disaster.

After that, let's say, I'm being more careful and always tries to avoid to be in relationship because i don't think I'm strong enough yet to have that break feeling again. But, in the case of Kai, i forgot that all my shipping thing will just bring me to the bottom rock of stone. Since Kai is already announced he's dating someone, i just couldn't being an ignorant person so i decided to close @kai_jihyo/xutestjihyo.baekai. There's no more #jonginjihyo shipping who always can make me smiles alone. Before this, if I'm stress in studying, after i got back from the class, i will just open the laptop and start edit their pics together and post it on ig. But now, i can't do that anymore. I told to myself, i have to accept the reality, i tries my best to smile so that everyone cannot accuse me that I'm acting like an immatured fan.

But the truth is, there's some fans, another side of fans like me. I'm crying every night and I'm just afraid to even have a sleep. It's going on me until today. I just can let go Kai and go find another bias that i can ship him with Jihyo, but i just can't. There's only one Kai and there's only one JonginJihyo in my life. No one can replace them in my heart. For now, what can i do is, i try to slow down my feeling towards Kai and Exo, i deleted the ig acc, and i will try to focus in my life more. I don't promise that i can fully forget about this, but what i just need, is time. Time will recover for everything. 

I heard about all the conspiracies thing also, and on how Kai has lying to us, but i don't know whether to trust or not. If i want to hate Kai, i can just believe all of them, but if i still want to have the same Kai that i imagined in my mind before, i can just avoid from believing that saying. Because.... the life is too short.

And I'll just study hard, who knows, after i get a stable job, I'll fly to Korea and get to see Kai and Jihyo!! Yeah, goal!