...from entering writing contests...

is whenever i go and read the rules n all details...

i almost always see those cheat sheets thing you know...

like things the judges like that would help you get extra points but not a requirement...

like their fav pairings, fav idols, or the kind of stories, genres, etc.

yeah, i know it's not requirement...

but it's a huge indirect language...and i'm very good at reading these kinda language...haha...

like why can't there not be such 'tips' or whatever? just make it a rule, a requirement if you want to...

this indirect language is such a torture for me...

so...

90% of the time i'd quickly click out...

another 9%...give it a try and then back off before the competition ends...withdraw...

another 1%...give it a try...stubbornly do not follow the 'not requirements' while everyone else strive for it...and lose during first round...unsurprisingly...(though i'm not saying if i had follow i'd definitely not lose)

there's nothing highly about me...i crave for recognition too...my horrid level of self esteem doesn't help...

yet...i have my stubborn side that wants to keep doing thing my own way and not change my colour for anything...not even for a piece of that so craved recognition...

when i am damn well aware that choices and sacrifices need to be make to gain...

maybe i've made my choices after all...

i know i can join these contests without following the guidelines for bonus marks...

but you know that feeling....you know that feeling....?

of course you don't.

and...

sometimes i want to hold my own competition too...

and then request for all unpopular stuffs i crave to read...

but then there's that same fear...

having no one wanting to join...

because obviously...

i always feel like a lost wanderer in such a tight community that has mutual interest and understanding...

then again...when have i never been a lost wanderer...

in school i was an outcast...even boycotted for stubbornly insisting on not following orders of majority...and even before i became that 'rebel'...i still was an outcast too for...idk....doing my own thing quietly? lol...

at work...i somehow stood out by being...umm...quietly trying to be unnoticed...doing my own thing...

somehow, no matter what approach i take...whether quiet ones, or loud ones...i stood out...

not in a pleasant way....

well, the feeling sure ain't pleasant...

but like i said....

everything's a choice...

okay, not everything...but in my situations...yes, they are...it's just the choice i make...

because i'm always so stubborn....

why is it so hard to just want to be yourself...without standing out just for that?

being a lost wanderer isn't so bad i guess...

if i insist on not following the path prepared for everyone...i just need to keep rowing my lil boat to my own direction...however hard it is to go against the waves...

since the choice has been made.

consciously or not.

lonely path.

alrite..it's late...time to sleep...

tomorrow...another round of battle to persevere and survive begins...

same ol same ol...

don't give me words of sympathy or lecture/advice...

this is not meant to be some sort of sob story...ugh...

this is just life...my life...

everyone deals with their own issues...

i'm just letting out mine...

cuz my online persona is noisy and can't keep things to myself like that...

i'm not mysterious or cool to be so secretive...

i'm just myself...

something that comes with such a heavy price...

a price i intend to keep paying...

for as long as i can afford.

 

i'm so paiiinnnn....

lol. ok that was random.

gnite.