Here I'm traying to explain where do I got my inspiration for CHANCES.
Well, it's the story of my life, actually. I have this friend, Dave is his name, and we were/are/have been friends for almost 14 years. We dated a few times when I was 16, he was 18 then, we liked each other but he never took the next step; he told me I was such a nice person to mess with and he didn't want to hurt me. So, he never asked me officially and we went separate ways. I cried a lot, I couldn't understand why I was left behind. For years I thought it was my fault, but well, I got over it. We met again when I got in college, he's 2 years older academically, but he had a girl, and couple of years later I got a boyfriend too, and we lasted almost 4 years, but we were in different cities, so yeah... long-distance relationship . We broke up on 2010, Dave was there that one time and we became closer again, until he found another girl.
Every year, on his birthday, which is the same as my mom, I would call him and say "happy birthday", though he didn't like his own birthday!! (Can you believe it???) I like birthdays, it is a special date to celebrate the life of another person important to me. We always got in touch when he had problems with his previous girl (I even lost count of how many girlfriends he had); but I was patient. I thought that maybe I could be his one; the same as I have always think he is the one for me. (You see? I'm still talking in present tense, even though he has a girl and I'm just nobody).
Finally on December 2013, he was single for more than 6 months; he never was single for more than 3, so it was a record. On January 2014 I asked to see each other, we talked, he said (and my memory doesn't fail me, NEVER!) That he wanted a relationship, that he was ready. During our conversation he told me to introduce my friends to him, and of course I said no! (Why would I!?!) And when he was about to go I told him: "I won't introduce you to my friends because I've always thought that you're the one for me". He was speechless of course. I think we kissed that night... Mmm, yeah, I asked for it. He did it. He kissed me and hugged me and got back to his house. The most hilarious thing was that he confessed (that night) that he never expected what I said and that he liked my kiss. Anyway, that made my heart flutter, of course.
Weeks passed by. On February 2014 we met again and I asked him if anything of what I told him the last time when we kissed had make it through his skull (or his stone heart, it was the same). And then his speech changed. He said he didn't want a relationship, that he wasn't a complete man (emotionally speaking) and that he might hurt me; I literally snorted on his face and he looked at me quizzically. So I told him he used the same speech from when I was 16, which was unfair; he didn’t even try to know me again! I was older and mature, but well, he had always seen me as a little girl (sheer speculation).
That evening I told him what did he wanted me to do. He made me choose. So, I got upset and told him: “If you want me to choose, then I don’t want to see you ever again. Why would I stay close to you when you don’t even SEE me as a woman?” He got scared… I don’t know what I saw in his eyes, but he told me to stay. He told me that we can still be ‘friends’ and know each other again, and see what may come.
Months passed, (I was living in another city but I traveled a lot to my parent's) and every once in a while (like 1 weekend for month) we saw each other. He was charming and endearing; he opened the door for me; he paid our expenses. It was like we were dating! But not really, at least not for him.
When he got in troubles at work or at his house, he always shut me out. He kept everything to himself instead of sharing it with me; maybe I wouldn’t solve his problems, but at least, I could help by listening.
And two years passed. On August 2015 I noticed him absent. Not replying my messages or my calls, he was always busy. I confronted him and he told me he met an old friend and he had 2 weeks dating her. I got so shocked, my hands still tremble. He said to me: “We were just friends!” (But we had slept together, twice.) And that I was always in the wrong; that I expected a lot from him; that I popped up everywhere; that my messages were too much, so constant.
September passed too, on his birthday (again), we were chatting through whatsapp and he told me he already was with this girl as his girlfriend, supposedly on September was official and that he had told me. The truth is he never told me. I got so mad and so sad. I really loved him and above all I really thought this time would be different between us. That evening I called him and I told him the exact same words Hyesung told Eric: “I don’t want to be your friend anymore; I’m tired to be your safety net. And I don’t know why I’m crying if I already know that you hate me crying. I don’t expect you to fully understand what I’m going through. I feel so lost, so out of myself. But what do you care, don’t you? You already have someone; meanwhile I have to go through this alone, again, as usual.”
He couldn’t retort me back. He just said the same old things. That I was wrong, that he told me ages ago that he didn’t want a relationship (but he still kissed me, right?). So in the end, I was the delusional one.
It’s been 4 months since then, and it’s been a rough path. I cry a lot, a hate him so much too. But I do love him just the same. It’s kind of horrible, you know? I feel lonely most of the times. All my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends, and well, I’m just here. Left out. Even when I reach for someone, that someone is busy or doesn’t even reply. And I don’t want to date just any random people; it is difficult for me to trust anyone else.
I wanted to portray the kind of feeling I have. I’m trying to move forward, but sometimes I just want to disappear.