There are so many things I would like to be able to just write down in this moment, but I can’t.
Today I thought about how I used to be able to write so freely and I am quite satisfied with how my two longest stories turned out like. And in a way I kinda still can’t believe they are actually over…
Now when I look at those two stories, I think to myself: “how the hell did I manage to write all that!?” I mean, now that I read them, I don’t actually get the feeling anymore that I actually wrote them. It feels like some stranger wrote them. There are so many great ideas and emotions in them, some parts should have probably been better but all in all it turned out to be better than I’d ever hoped any of my stories would end up like.
I’d been writing ever since I was 8 years old I think, and I’m almost 19 now… I used to love writing so much, it gave me a certain feeling of freedom. Now, whenever I start writing something, it’s forced more than free. My own words disgust me and I don’t like anything I write anymore, and I don’t even get good ideas. It’s like, all the good ones have already been used. And I don’t know if it’s only because I’m getting older now, or because I’ve been writing for far too long, but I don’t feel like a writer anymore… I lost both talent and love for it.
I forced myself to finish ‘you can never blame love’ only because I really owed it to my readers. I used to really love that story, it was the thing I thought the most about in school or wherever I’d found myself heading to. I liked the beginning of it but somewhere around the twentieth chapter I started feeling more and more annoyed with the story rather than pleased with the updates. I got so disappointed in that story that I stopped writing it, even forgot about it until I gathered the courage to end it. The last four chapters were the hardest chapters of my life and ever since finishing the story, I can’t even think of the possibility of ever writing anything like that.
So I deleted the story ‘white amaryllis’ because I knew that there was no way I would ever be able to finish it. I can’t even describe how disappointed in myself I am. From the girls who’s life was writing, I don’t understand how it had gotten to this point.
If anyone is actually reading this, I’m sorry for this whining but I thought I had to express my thoughts and emotions at least in some way. It doesn’t help much but I figured I had to give myself some sort of explanation for all of this.
If I ever write anything else, anything at all, it might be just a one shot. Considering that I sometimes do get inspiration, but it doesn’t last long. I tried changing couples, from chunjoe to eunhae, to see if the problem was the pairing, but it turned out to be wrong. I can’t write the eunhae story either, it annoys me and I hate it.
I hate my last story also because the second half of it is terrible and pointless.
Or rather, I miss not having the old way of writing, with interesting and creative ideas. Now I have literally nothing.
So yeah, that’s mostly it. Unfortunately I’m probably done writing.