Hi guys!

As most of you know I recently came out to you lot and all of my closest friends that I'm a transgender male. Today I wanted to talk more about my issues of being a transgender male that has openly come out to my friends, but still hides the fact from my family.

Being transgender, but hiding it from your family is so difficult. It completely destroyed me mentally, to a point where I'm falling back to my depressed state. I've gone back to my bad and disgusting ways of self harming and I hate myself for it. To me it's the only way I can express my frustration and forget my problems. I still look like a female and I still sound like a female. I don't do any form of binding and I don't wear male clothing, because there's no way I can do so without my parents finding out. It upsets me so much to a point where I want to cry.

I feel extremely gender dysphoric (dysphoric? is that a word? who cares you get my point) towards my s. God... I hate them so much. I keep staring at myelf in the mirror wishing they would just disappear.

I'm at the age of 17 and I can barely hide that I'm trans. I've decided that next week I'm going to talk to my college student advisor in hopes of receiving some advice. I'm hoping that my advisor will make arrangements with my lecturers with how they should address me etc. I keep cringing at when people call me by my birth name and use female pronouns. I guess after I talk to my advisor I guess I will need to buck up the courage to tell my parents and younger brother. To be honest coming out to my family that I'm trans is the last thing I've ever wanted to do. I originally wanted to tell them when I turn 18 and would have hopefully moved out from my parents place, but I feel like I can't wait any longer.

I don't think my parents will understand me though. They are quite conservative and will most likely not support me. I'm also pretty sure they wont understand why I'm transgender since I still wear a lot of make up. I love make up and since I'm a visual kei goth I am always wearing make up. Make up shouldn't be limited to one gender, but my parents would never understamd that.

*sigh* I think the next few weeks are going to be emotionally straining.