I really try to be a nice person.

So when Evy asked me on tuesday if I could accompany her to a taster lecture in Business Administration I said yes, because it fit very well in after my schedule and she is my best friend. Even though I really can't stand Business Administration.

So while she was focusing on the lecture, I read a new fanfiction idea of her's and I was truly amazed (not only because of the two main characters, but the story itself was very catching, too. So, if you read this: Go go go! :P) Anyways, long story short. After the event was over, we drove to the central station since we had to go home by train and because of something the professor mentioned during the lecture, she showed me a song at the station, called "Misfits" by Shinedown. She said it reminded her of us, of how we used to be before her year abroad, and I have to agree on that.

We have always been the misfits in our school, having coloured hair (in my case) and writing stories rather than paying attention to the classes (in her case). We had to stand through so many things because other people didn't understand us and decided to bully us because we didn't fit in. I don't know how it is for her, I finished high school this year, but I stayed a misfit until the end. I am not sure if I want her to fit in, but that's a thought I can't explain. All I know is that we have never been like we were before that one year that we couldn't share.
We behaved like strangers when she came back, things became better eventually, but there is still something missing and I can't figure out what it is. Like, I want things to be like they were before this year moved us apart. But we all get older and mature and there were so many chances that we couldn't take, we could have been lovers without this year, and we could still be, but something is different now from what it has been. I don't know if it's just the feelings that changed, or my view on things, or the whole world. It broke my heart when she left and maybe it just healed in a wrong way.

I was in love with you when you left. I was so hurt and heartbroken, even though I knew from the beginning that you were going and it was not my fault, you didn't leave me but all of your friends and family, but it changed so much. I stopped listening to the songs we listened to together, I stopped writing mails to you because I couldn't stand that I wasn't able to simply talk to you. I almost ruined us.
And now, after the long time that we already had together after you came back, we are still kind of strange. I still don't know how to behave, because on the one side I want more, and on the other I don't want to limit anyone of us. All I know is that I am not able to start any love relationship because I am afraid it could hurt you, and that should be a sign, shouldn't it? I love to hold your hand, I love it when you sleep in my arms, I love the way you smiled at me when we danced to Oppa, Oppa at this party. I love to watch movies with you all day long, I love to write fanfictions and roleplays with you, I love to simply be with you. I am just so afraid to not fall in love with you again, but with the thought of falling in love. It's a huge step forward from a friendship to a love relationship, and my experience showed oh too well that the step back is almost impossible...

xxx

Rei