Originally, I wrote this for someone. A reply to someone's blog post but then I exceeded 2000 characters. I didn't even know that we can only reply to someone with 2000 characters. And I was disappointed when I realized I couldn't reply to her the way I want to because AFF is giving me only 2000 characters to spend on typing! I have a fancy for writing things long and I didn't like the kind of restriction they have in the reply section at that point (only today). Haha. I'm sorry. I just got frustrated because I even opened my MS Word just to edit this lot to fit the character limit, but then I felt like saying alot so I just decided writing this as a blog post.

I hope you may be able to read this. Whoever you are.

Why do we do things? In my part... why do I write?

I've seen a lot of people come and go. They'd say 'Ah... I just suddenly lost that something... that's why I'm quitting' etc etc. I don't know if I'm in the position to say this. Or why I want to say this. But I clearly understand how you feel at a point and at the same time I don't.

Maybe it's the fact that I used to do something on a daily basis before like updating in a sort of fanbase because I love doing it. It's addicting and the way how my followers go up until it's about thousands was amazing. Admittedly, I love the attention. I was inspired because people give me good reviews. My followers counter can prove that and my overflowing mentions can also add to that. But sometimes it's not just about the attention we are all looking for. We can't live in recognition, probably it's just the cherry on top. It brought me to so many different heights but at the end of the day I always ask myself, Is that all that can make me happy? Is that all that can satisfy me? The answer... yes I maybe happy at times and I totally love doing it... but most of the time I get tired. I don't feel anymore fulfilled. Maybe because I may gain more followers but I lost a lot of time while doing something that suddenly became a routine when it's supposed to be not. I should be enjoying it but I couldn't anymore because I was not doing it anymore for myself. I was doing it to merely please others. On top of that, I didn't have time for other things and I do realize why I can't study a lot. I'm just thankful I still got good marks despite that. But when I started reviewing for my licensure exam I gradually, slowly did the updating thing until I realized how I can live without it.

Maybe I still do it now but not to the point I wouldn't leave my computer. I do it whenever I like to. That way, I don't have to completely abandon it, and although it would probably result to people unfollowing, I really don't care anymore as long as I feel good about it. 

Why am I a fan again? It's because I love my idols. I would always tell myself that whenever I feel like turning back and straying away from the path I chose. They taught me a lot of things. I learned from them. Because of them I did so many things I never imagined I could do before, to the point that it's already too complicated for me when I'm supposed to be making things equally easy and fun for me. When I realized that, I decided I'd be a simple fan again. The unknown one. With no attention. Just there doing whatever she likes. I'm still young and I know I should enjoy life while I can. To do that, I realized I will have to do what I can for now, not do something I know that would only suffocate me.

All I'm saying is that it's probably because you became too engrossed into writing, that you engaged yourself in more things like a 'shop' and whatnot. You want to prove that you can do them too, and I don’t question your capability. But they might have become a clear distraction to you.

You’re probably really better than people out there. And the recognition you get became your fuel. It can be your reason to continue but it shouldn't be the main reason why.

You started writing because you love doing it. So when you feel like not doing it anymore or you felt like you lost that spark, just ask yourself ‘why am I doing this again?’ and you will know the answer. If you truly don’t want to give it up, ask yourself why, learn from your past experiences and start anew as if you’re a blank slate.

The most important thing is that you enjoy what you are doing. Because if not, there’s no point in doing it right? Don’t do it for others. Do it for yourself. Because it's your purpose to. And not because you have to do it.

Try focusing on one thing and if you can expand your horizons again do it, do other things as long as you can commit to it and you know it's not gonna strain you in the end. Do everything in your own pace and don’t be pressured by people saying ‘please update soon blah blah’, or by the number of comments you get, or the reviews or grade you'd get from 1-10, or how fast or slow your views go. They are just figures or visuals you can reflect on so you will know what to do next. They can help you, but at the end of the day know that you can be the only one that will entirely help yourself for the most part. Don't depend on anyone or in anything. You know yourself better, and when you finally realize what you need or what the problem is, go to the next step and act upon it.

In my own way, what do I do when I felt like I can't write anything at all or when I feel like I didn't write something worth reading? One, I step back from my computer. Two, I sit down and read a good book, if not I find something to read in AFF. Three, I read them till the end and I'll read another if I felt like I just need some more (especially when I'm just tired from writing and writing). Four, if that doesn't work for me I either sleep or go out as long as I am not in my house. I would look everywhere, indulge in my own thoughts, imagine, look around until I spot something that would serve as my inspiration. If that one works, I would quickly open an MS Word, open my playlist and play ballad songs (because that's what I do to motivate myself to release all the emotions I needed to write) type everything I thought of at that same moment (because it's when you have every idea in your head that you should write your piece) and it's only when I'm done that I'll read and edit. I'll do this even when it's 1 or 3 AM (but most often just some bullets of what I have to write-because I know I still need to sleep-so in the morning I will have something to look through so I have an idea of what I thought in that spur of the moment).

If I clearly don't have anything at all, it's the only time I stop. There's nothing wrong when you feel like not writing at all because in any writer's life it's probably a phase.  Step back from your lair and relax yourself for a while if you feel uninspired. All it takes is a clear mind and a burning desire to do something so badly. If you can't find that, stray away a little from your routine, find yourself again, until you know you can write again.

I’m sorry for blabbering too much. >.< 

I just got carried away.

Spur of the moment thing.

#inthemiddleofanotherchapter ...

Heol >///<