I've been in a y mood for about a week now.

In my family, I'm probably the most hyper and cheerful kid ever, I always volunteer to chaperone when some of my 9 younger siblings wanna go to the mall or when my grandpa (who's in a wheelchair) wanna go somewhere. Even my oh-so-cool aunts would know that I'd always say yes when they wanna go somewhere when my parents not around (my parents are busy peeps, going back and forth domestically due to their job as an event organizer for their own job bazaar (is that what you say in english??)).

But lately they have been constantly worrying about me, I've become gloomy, I'd always say that I'd rather stay inside rather than going out, I even told that to my parents. during weekdays, I'd always lock myself up in my shared room (not literally locking up the door or whatever) and try to write fanfics or made myself busy with watching variety shows.

I myself actually don't know what's wrong with me...

I don't know what caused this.

Is it a disease??

All I know is I've become like this eversince my older sister got a boyfriend, it seems like I have lost the closest friend I've ever have.

Unlike me, she has lots of friends, she never have time for me, to go to the mall with me, just the two of us. But even so, every night, we would always talk to each other before sleeping. We shared a room so I thought that whatever will happen, I will still have a friend to talk with.

But then she found herself a boyfriend.

In school, during lunch hours she'd be with her boyfriend and her friends, I was too with 2 of my closest friends but I can't shake of the feelings of enviness.

In our car ride home, she'd be sleeping and I know that I shouldn't wake her up, she's too tired. I pity her actually, she'd stay up almost every night to design posters or logos for our school, and the job kept coming. 

In home, she'd continue her sleep, completely forgetting the fact that she's a human and she needs food to survive. I would sometimes wake her up first and told her to eat on days that I don't think she's super tired or anything.

She'd then woke up around 5 or 6 PM, she'd take a shower for at least half an hour. 

By the time she got out of the shower, she'd be calling her boyfriend while doing her assignment.

She'd keep calling him until she's ready to sleep.

right after her call with him, she'd be too tired to even know what happen today in school, too tired to listen about the constant mocks of my classmates for liking kpop, too tired to pay attention to me.

in our family, she's the first grandchildren of my grandparents from both my mother and my father's side, and I'm the second.

She's not that good in handling children, which most of our siblings are, she tends to neglect them and she doesn't know how to play with the toddlers.

The job of being the biggest sister or what my family like to call it 'alpha sister' fell into my hands and I have no choice but to accept it.

Eventhough they said that I have a motherly nature, I don't consider myself that as I still need an older sibling to talk to.

I have 2 church friends that I have considered as my 'older brother' and 'older sister' due to the fact that their parents and mine are super close.

But I can never seem to open up my stories, specifically this one to them. I felt like it's immature of me to be selfish, asking peoples to listen to my stories but I was always okay when my siblings and 'siblings' tell me stories, I love hearing their stories, it made me feel happy and it made me feel needed.

lately I've become distant with my family, I'd shut my stories to them, even to my youngest and closest aunt. I usually tell my problems to my sister, but what should I do now? I don't have anyone.

I've constantly been thinking about ending my life.

In my religion, taking my own life away is one of the biggest sin. God has the only right to take it away, so it's almost the same as stealing.

But I often push the thought of being a sinner away, I don't even know what to do.

The reason why I'm always sitting on the couch of my apartment and stare outside to the balcony is because I was always thinking about how fun it'd be to fly, letting your worries be blown away by the wind and maybe, just maybe... I can peacfully close my eyes and let myself sleep for eternity?

I don't know... I'm still in a dilemma.