It has been almost two months since I said goodbye to the fanfic-writing world. I was able to reach four years old as Authornim before I decided to find myself again. I wouldn't deny it, but I am always affected whenever I would see readers' comments or messages wanting me to go back. I am not as famous as the other authors here but I believe I have created a different kind of bond with my readers like no other. There is no doubt of how I miss my readers but the real question is, do I miss writing?

  Well in some ways, I would say I do. I mean... four years isn't a joke. 

  I spent like, my whole teenage life in this site until I reached my legal age. 

  But by the end of the day, I would still remind myself how wider the world is before me. I have a long way to go and I can't be stuck in this site forever. Dedicating myself in this site for such a long time, I forgot how to wake up in the morning and do the daily routine that most people my age would do. Instead, I go to this site - to check notifications\ comments or most of the time. TYPE AN UPDATE. 

  I got to say, I was one hell of an active author. 

  But I don't know if it's something to be proud of.

  Because I took a lot of things for granted. I put my author-job in my number one priority although it shouldn't be. I know my readers can wait, but I would always tell people who are already questioning me about this, "Yes I can update next week or so... But I want to update for them. No more other reasons." and I must say, I don't even know why I thought like that before. It wasn't a bad thought but still, it has been too much for me. 

 ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM JUST A STUDENT. That is the number one reason. 

  I started writing back when I was just a sophomore. I remember starting my fanfics with SHINee. It was all crappy and I got a very very few amount of readers - but that didn't seem to budge me. And for the three years I've been doing SHINee fics, my most achieved subscribers were about a hundred or so - but I could still remember how proud I am for myself for having those hundred subs. 

  I was so happy with the way I was before. I had a few, but they are all real readers and I was friends with almost all of them.

  And it was only during my senior year when I started liking EXO as well. I admit it, I didn't pay attention nor liked EXO when they debuted. I could still remember how I only made friends with a classmate who was an EXO fan and I used to make personalized EXO phone cases for her - and that's when I started liking EXO as well. 

  Then one time, I remember making a special fanfic just for her which I send to her kakaotalk. She was the lead with EXO - I think it was Baekhyun and Lay who were the leads there too. 

  And one day I told myself, "Should i try making EXO fanfics?"

  I was very worried about this at first. I mean, I am most comfortable writing SHINee fanfics. But then in the end, I told myself it isn't bad to try,

  And for an unknown reason - since I didn't really have a certain bias in EXO before - I chose Kris Wu to be the first ever EXO member to be in my fic. 

  But then I wasn't able to continue it really well. I deleted it after a very few chapters only.

  It didn't end there. I started doing a few EXO fanfics after that.

  As time passes by and my fangirl classmate and I got much closer. She showed me EXO's Wolf Drama Version.

  In a snap, Luhan caught my attention. I could never forget that moment. I don't even know why. But I got to explain, it isn't love like the other fangirls are feeling. It was unexplainable - like I just really noticed Luhan. 

  And then a few days after...

  I fell in love. For the first time. 

  Most of my readers know this story. Because I am a very much open and talktative author. I always tell stories about myself.  I told them about my first love too. And the boy... got similar features with Luhan. And we got close because of Luhan as well. NO HE WASN'T A FAN. It's just that... the way we started talking more comfortably was technically because of Luhan.

  Sometimes, I ask myself, "Is this the reason why Luhan actually got my attention?" 

  This boy... was a nerd. Very far from who I am. I am a crazy and talkative friend and classmate. I am MOST OF THE TIME scary because I'm like the nagging mother of our class. 

And I think this was the start of how IHJB's world in AFF got wider. 

Out of this nerdy boy, I created a story. 

Because of him, I've created another chapter of my life as an author. 

And believe it or not, I still love him until now. It's been almost two years. And I haven't met him for a long time, He's in a different country now. 

Well, he never liked me back though. 

How funny it is. I am an author who created louds of love stories - but never had her own. 

Back to the story,

everything that happened in my story, "Married To The Nerdy Boy, Do Kyungsoo" was unexpected.

I didn't even expect I would be noticed in this story. I mean... I wasn't expecting for anything. 

I am not being excited about being famous, but what I gained was much more than that,

I gained friends. My readers became my friends. This story got featured. This would be the very first featured story I have. I was so happy when it happened after three years of writing - but still, nothing can beat the relationship I actually created with my readers. 

But as these loyal and kind-hearted readers stayed by my side the whole time, even after the story ended and some more stories came next... 

Some circumstances also occured. A lot of things happened - unexpected things. But nevertheless, I still tried my best to be the same author I was. 

I still went on, and made my readers happy. Cause I only get my strength in going on through them. I kept on writing because of them. 

Then my second fanfic to be featured went next. I was thankful. Very thankful to have two stories being featured. I got a lot of love, but of course there were also a lot of hate, interrogation and - not just in this featured story, but also the other story which earned a lot of questions and demands.. 

I would not explain about this in detail anymore, but something happened that killed IHJB inside. Something happened that added up to the heartache that has been happening to me.

Maybe because there were countless problems and loss happening in my family simultaneously that time. That's why I was very sensitive. 

But one day, I just woke up and told myself, "I'm very tired. I want peace." if not because I loved my readers, I wouldn't have stayed that long. I don't know if it was just me but I believe... This generation of Kpop Fanfiction readers has changed big time. It is very hard to explain and I'm not saying everyone is like this. 

But countless chances to see the drastic change to some fangirls was given to me. I've been a fan for almost six years or so... But to be honest, you don't have to be a fan for years just to see this crisis in Kpop right now. It is so visible. Thankfully, there are still a few understanding and open-minded fangirls. 

it doesn't have something to do with AFF? Actually, it does have.

Of course, most of these new generation fangirls are readers as well. And you can spot a great difference from thos older ones. I am saying - in age most of the time. 

Even how much longer I type, it is still hard to explain how changed their way of thiinking is. 

But all these, got me so tired. Exhausted. 

Because as an author - I don't know if this is a thing but I specialize in giving out different kinds of life lessons. 

/ this is just one example to sum it all up /

But only a few readers actually get the reasonable lesson. And for those who don't, threw questions and demands at me. I am thankful that there are still a lot of fangirls who are very friendly, nice and open minder but at the same time. There are also louds of rude and narrow-minded people in this kpop world - hence the endless fanwars I always see in twitter or FB - and this pride and attitude they get from being too much of a fan, they bring here in AFF as well.

And it just ruined the once peaceful life of this site. 

Just now, I thought to myself, I wanted to make AFF blogs about these kinds of stuffs. Again - hoping to put some nutrition to the unhealthy society of Kpop. 

I haven't lost hope for it to be healthy again like before,

and maybe that time, it will be fun to write again. Right?

I hope some authors like me understand what I am trying to point out. 

Love you guys! But I think I just ranted about my opinions and bull tbh. 

But that's my blogs and future blogs will be all about anyway. 

PS: tbh I am so done with hates. I actually want to change my username. I should, but I will still think about it. IT WAS A LONG STORY OF HOW I GOT IHATEJUSTINBIEBER AS A USERNAME BUT I DON'T HATE THE ARTIST. =)

LOVE YOU LOVE YOU! 

-IHJB.