My last blog was about how my ex friend pissed me off so badly, and even when she was pissing me off so bad, I didn't really try to fight with her. 

I haven't been able to get truly angry that often since I've been bottling everything up inside... i know it's not a good thing but i don't want to go back to being a hot head, you know? I've bottled up for at least over a year now. Even so, bottling up everything was probably like 50% why I've been so incredibly depressed all throughout senior year and now. like honestly, no matter how hard I try to be a good friend and never get angry with anyone, somehow i still end up losing friends. I honestly know i haven't done anything wrong... but why is it that people still end up leaving me? it scares me.. wondering who will leave me next. 

Anyway, the reason for this blog isn't for me trying to sound like an insecure who can't handle herself. Nah i've been trying my best to hang out with old friends i've lost touch with, as well as new friends. I finally found myself a little happier than before. But.... today, the bottle inside of me burst into a million different pieces. 

I went out to go to the library to get new books, eat chipotle, and buy milk for my mom with my brother and sister. This is what we did for years: go to the library and eat chipotle (and maybe do an errand for my parents here and there). Why would I break tradition? What I mean is, my mom got super pissed off at us because my brother and sister are doing a diet where they don't eat as much. So in her head, it was common sense to get brown rice and eat half of the chipotle burrito bowl. So she's yelling at my brother and sister, and making a huge ing fuss. 

Heres the thing about me and my siblings. I'm the second mother. I'm the one who punishes them when they do something wrong. I hate it when others yell at them and I will go mama bear all over the person that does, even if it's my own parents (unless they're at fault obviously). So my mom's yelling everywhere, and i tell her that she didn't tell us that they can only eat half. She's going crazy, saying that they're on a diet so obviously they should only eat half and eat the rest later. I yell back, "how the heck would we know that if we've been doing the same thing for years?". pretty much, she's been just yelling that "of course they should since they're on a diet" and such. Long story short (for this part), I just tell her that she didn't tell any of us (even though she said she did; NONE of us heard). and pretty much, i go upstairs and try to get over it. 

Then the big part happens. I can hear her angrily asking my brother if they got white rice or brown rice (we got white; we order the same thing every time for years). My brother said that she didn't tell us we can't even get white rice, and there she goes, going all ape again. The minute I heard her yelling, i lost it. 

I stormed downstairs again and started to seriously shout. I can't explain how bad I got. I could feel my blood pressure firing through the roof and shaking with anger. I shouted and shouted at her, telling her to shut up already, she didn't say anything about not doing this or that, and just because something is "common sense" for her that it means it's common sense for us. She continued to argue with me, but i kept cutting her off and kept shouting and shouting. I even mentioned my depression to her, which i never really do because as a Korean, she doesn't really understand depression and medication and therapy; so pretty much, for the 18 years of my life, I had to just curl up into a ball and hope my depression would pass for the time being. 

Anyway, skipping that part, I just remember, when storming back upstairs and sitting on my bed, trying to calm myself... how much more relieved I felt. I mean i still felt anger, frustration, and tears were trying to escape from my eyes (i tried so hard to keep them in my eyeballs), but honestly, that burst of anger felt like some sort of stress reliever. Is that weird?

It literally was as if tightly bound chains were finally broken and my heart became free.... but because of that freedom, the heart just went beserk as it was thumping like a maniac. I honestly haven't exploded in such a long time, I really forgot how it felt like. I hate that I had to use my mom for that stress reliever (even though she wasn't helping my depression AT ALL for the past 18 years) but i don't know........ I'm kinda glad I was able to finally get angry. Trust me. Blogs such at asianfanfics, tumblr, and twitter are the only places where I relieve some sort of anger but obviously, it's not enough. 

anyway yeah.... bye. lol .. i for some reason wanted to blog this... i dont know lol;;