Choi Seunghyun remembered that afternoon they filmed “Haru Haru” so vividly: each fleck of dust on his skin, the smoggy back alley cramped by lighting equipments, frantic codys and pds yelling over each other and how in his quest to find a quiet spot to smoke, he came across fellow band member and friend Kwon Jiyong crouched behind the props trailer, quivering, face in his palm muffling his own whimpers.

Seunghyun forgot to breathe for a moment. He could see the streams of tears glistening on Jiyong’s chin, gathering in droplets on his jaw line. Jiyong pressed the edge of his palm to his nostrils. His eyes were bloodshot and swelling, tears clung to eyelashes as he stared hard at the ground in front of him in an effort to stop the crying. The of a cigarette dangled from his fingers on the verge of falling.

He felt self conscious standing there. He didn’t know whether he should actually go ahead and comfort Jiyong and risk humiliating Jiyong in the process, or be apathetic and silently back away as if he didn’t see anything - neither seemed to be the appropriate response. Instead he just stood there, fiddling with his hands and feet, until Jiyong turned towards him, eyeliner smudged and his newly fixed front teeth, looking every bit like the bad boy he was supposed to be in the MV and at the same time so vulnerable, Seunghyun felt a strange sensation travel up his throat like trying to swallow a rising bubble. It was difficult to form words around the constriction: “Jiyongie…” 

Jiyong threw away the cigarette and wiped his face clumsily, smudging his make up even further. “Hyung, I was just, getting into the mood,” He sniffled, “you weren’t supposed to see that.” Jiyong smiled at Seunghyun in a way that only made the lump in his throat grow bigger. Light glinted off Jiyong’s recently straightened and polished teeth and cast iron ring. Seunghyun sat down on the concrete beside Jiyong, ignoring the dust and smell of engine fumes from the vehicle they were leaning against. Jiyong turned into his shoulder and buried his face in Seunghyun’s shirt.

The heat from Jiyong’s face radiated through the fabric, Jiyong’s bony shoulders dug into his side, Jiyong’s arm, which rested between loose denim clad skinny knees, had goosebumps, Jiyong’s knuckles were white from over clenching his fist. Seunghyun wasn’t buying into the claim that Jiyong was just ‘getting into the mood’.  

He pulled the pack from his pants pocket and flicked out a cigarette, but his lighter was on the other side, where Jiyong was currently leaning against. Although it was impossible for Jiyong to see what he was doing what with his face pressed into Seunghyun’s shoulder, Jiyong produced his own lighter, fishing it out from his shirt pocket with deft fingers. Jiyong inhaled repeatedly, stopping his arm from quivering, and flicked the lighter until the flame danced smokily between them.

The sharp scent of lighter fuel s its way past Seunghyun’s nostrils directly into his brain and etched the afternoon into his mind: the uncomfortable bumps of concrete beneath him and the hard smooth metal pressed into the back of his skull, the wet tip of the cigarette between his teeth, Jiyong’s moist breaths brushing past his cheeks and bony shoulders digging into his ribs, still sobbing as he forced his arm into stillness to light Seunghyun’s cigarette.

~~*~~*~~*~~

They ran behind schedule and dragged themselves out of the set at 6am, squinting due to the dawn sunlight. Jiyong clasped one arm around Seungri in the backseat of the van - the tearstains around his eyes had disappeared hours ago, but something about Jiyong’s laugh was scratching at Seunghyun’s ears. The way Jiyong dragged his feet made Seunghyun nervous, the fact that he was noticing these things about Jiyong even more so. The maknae brushed Jiyong off to ask manager about their schedule for tomorrow, and the subsequent drop of Jiyong’s head had Seunghyun knotting his eyebrows.

Seungri returned with a huge grin animated by his panda circles. “Hyung, manager-hyung says we get the rest of the week off, rest of the week, hyung! Where do you want to go? I was thinking of going drinking, or buy some soju and bring it back to the residence…”

Jiyong cut him off as he reached forward and whacked Seungri across the back of his head. “Are you trying to get us all into trouble again? You’re not supposed to drink to begin with.” Jiyong rubbed the bridge of his nose, “Maknae, living with you is taking years off my life. Why don’t you spend the down time doing something constructive? Go to the gym or practice or something…”

Seungri stuck the tip of his little finger into his ear. “Jiyong-omma, you’re lecturing me again.”

Jiyong unbuckled his seatbelt and grabbed Seungri in a headlock. “Yah, what did you call me? Want me to rinse your mouth out again?”        

Seunghyun watched their exchange from the rear view mirror. Jiyong’s new shiny teeth glinted from the grimace, accompanied by Seungri’s yelps of pain. The morning shadows ghosted over Yongbae and Daesung’s sleeping faces. Seunghyun shook his head to clear the uneasiness he felt earlier, it didn’t quite go away.

~~*~~*~~*~~

At four in the morning, Seunghyun woke up tangled in his blanket. Jiyong’s face, marred by streams of tears, startled him into consciousness, the image still fresh in his brain although weeks have passed. It was dark outside his bedroom window despite street lights below their apartment. Seunghyun rubbed his face. He had come home the previous night, or more accurately earlier this morning, from portfolio shots for “Iris” and then a very difficult meeting with Yang seongjangnim regarding scheduling requirements.  It was supposed to be administrative, but somehow turned into an argument between his manager and the director relating to travel requirements. Seunghyun had squeezed manager-hyung’s hands till the bones of manager-hyung’s knuckles imprinted into Seunghyun’s palm, but it did nothing to stop the conflict. And in the end, he used smoking as an excuse to leave the conference room and asked the driver to drive him home without the manager, barely two hours ago. 

Seunghyun had thought his venture into drama was a sidetrack that wouldn’t be revisited again. But somehow seongjangnim had managed to secure a 20 episode deal with KBS and he was scheduled to start filming next week, a staggering twelve month predicted filming time, covering three countries. Seunghyun pushed back his freshly cut bangs, dreading the long absences in the coming months ahead. 

All this worrying is of course travesty, he told himself, he had little if at all say in the direction his career was headed towards, ever since Big Bang. It had been years since he felt unburdened on the stage like the way he felt when he was in his teens, rapping in smoke filled bars, on a chorded microphone that connected to an amp where only three of the five speakers worked. Now it was lights and fireworks and special effects and costumes and make up and rushing from practice to rehearsal to recording to MV filming and CF making and now drama filming for him. He, Yongbae, Daesung, and Jiyong had attempted to escape, that had been a silly and misinformed adventure. Seunghyun knew that the moment he auditioned for YG, he sacrificed normality for something greater, but he was losing sight of what that something was. 

Seunghyun could barely recall what it felt like to do music unencumbered, back in high school, where Jiyong would come to his house with a lunchbox of gyungdan, smelling like practice room showers, and they improvised silly raps, where words had no meaning, just the rhymes and alliterations and straightening Jiyong when he collapsed from laughter at Seunghyun-hyung’s silliness.

These days, Jiyong locked himself in his room full of recording equipments and occasionally Seunghyun could hear him banging the walls and groans of frustration. Jiyong put headphones on in the van and glares at anyone who tried to communicate with him. Jiyong’s chin became sharper each day since the “Always” EP.    

Seunghyun pressed the heel of his palm against his own temple. He was thinking of Jiyong again. Ever since the filming of Haru Haru MV, that look Jiyong gave to Seungri. It seemed the beginning of a tangled net that Seunghyun wasn’t sure if it was something he wanted to sink into. He managed to curb these wild thoughts and speculations during the day but the dam breaks during these unkempt hours, his consciousness no longer able to keep his emotions at bay. Jiyong had always been such a powerful presence in his life, and now it seemed that something was changing, or rather, Seunghyun was just beginning to notice the undercurrents that guided his life.

Seunghyun covered his head with blankets, blocking out the weak lights from the whitening sky. Insipid, he told himself, these worrying thoughts, there’s no constructive output by way wonderment. And Jiyong, Jiyong always knew how to take care of himself.

With that thought Seunghyun fell into uneasy sleep, airways inhibited by heavy smothering blankets.