Insanity
Miracles in December
I remember the day when we first met. It was odd, but eventually you showed kindness, that captured my heart instantly. But due to circumstances, I had to forget about you, us.. And everything we've been through.
I'm Lee Eun Hye, a 22 year old girl from Seoul. I graduated at the age of 17 at Seoul National University with a degree in BS Architecture. As much as I wanted to work as an Architect, something hindered me from doing so. This happened decades ago, back when I was still young.
Flashback:
I was actually moving to another condominium a few days ago, when I saw someone, so cute, with a black hair, smiling at me.
Eun Hye: Hello, are you my neighbor?
Kyungsoo: Hi. I'm Do Kyungsoo. You're going to live on that condo unit as well?
Eun Hye: Nae. Nice to meet you. *bows*
Kyungsoo: You need help?
The guy was kind enough to help me out with my stuff. He was a life-saver, indeed.
Kyungsoo: You should go and take a rest now.
Eun Hye: I will. Kamsahamnida.
Kyungsoo: My room's next to yours so if ever you need a companion, don't hesitate to call.
I've been alone for quite some time now. My parents live in Busan, and my best friend Nana, lives a few kilometers away from me so she's my everyday companion.
The next day, I woke up early. And to my surprise, Kyungsoo is there, cooking.
Eun Hye: Whoa, how did you get in here?
Kyungsoo: December is almost here, Eun Hye. I figured out I'd do the chores for you and help you out.
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo, you don't have to. I mean, I can handle it on my own.
Kyungsoo: *pouts* But.. Jebal. Let me do so. I made an effort of entering your house, using the secret door.
I looked at the door, and my vision started to witness different codes and numbers.
1469, 6538.. 6388. What do these numbers imply?
Kyungsoo: Please, allow me to do so. What you're seeing, are important codes.
Eun Hye: For what?!
Kyungsoo: I'll explain it to you soon, Eun Hye.
Eun Hye: Why are you being so kind to me?
Kyungsoo: Because I know for some reasons, that you need me and I need you.
Eun Hye: What are you trying to imply?
Kyungsoo: I cannot answer for now, Eun Hye. Just keep those codes with you. In the future, someone will come and get you. Whatever happens, don't give it to them.
Eun Hye: My best friend's coming over. You want to join us?
Kyungsoo: I have to go now.
I wonder what's wrong with him. Maybe he's busy after all.
Anyway, what he said.. Made me want to prepare. Whatever those codes are, I bet they are for my eyes only.
I took several papers, magazines, newspapers and started decoding numbers continuously. I never cared on what my house looks like. I just need to prevent myself from being caught by the syndicate.
Nana: Hey, Eun Hye! Wow, your condominium looks... Odd.
Eun Hye: Waeyo?
Nana: I don't know. It's filled with codes, numbers.. And things pasted on the wall. What were you doing?
Eun Hye: N-nothing. Want some coffee or something?
To my surprise, I saw someone, cornering me and Nana. I can clearly see his nameplate.. PARK CHANYEOL.
Eun Hye: Nana! Stay back! They're wanting to kidnap you!
Chanyeol: Eun Hye! I'm not a kidnapper. Don't come closer to your best friend. She's a trap. She'll get you in trouble. I need the code, right now!
Kyungsoo: Stay with me, Eun Hye.
Kyungsoo held my hands, and we both went near the Han River.
Eun Hye: Who is that guy?
Kyungsoo: He's the one I'm referring to. The one who would steal away the codes you can see.
Eun Hye: What are those codes all about?!
Kyungsoo: They serve as an access to another world. Right now, you have to save yourself.
Eun Hye: I don't understand.. What is this..
Kyungsoo: You don't have to understand. I'll be there for you through it all.
Kyungsoo kissed my forehead, and I closed my eyes. He held me tight. I don't know what's going on, but I'm glad he's there.
We became a couple instantly, for two years and started living together. I can't believe I actually have a boyfriend right now.
Kyungsoo: I love you, Eun Hye. I will be a part of your mind, and your heart forever.
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo, I love you too.
Kyungsoo: I'll be there for you, through it all.
Eun Hye: We are definitely meant to be.
Kyungsoo: Yes, we are.
He kissed my lips slowly, and we began to do it passionately, inside the room where we use to live in. I felt it through my body, and realized it was one of the best things ever.
I lost contact of my friends, and of Nana. When she went to my condo secretly, that's when I started to wonder.
To my surprise, I saw a group of people, surrounding me.. All in white.
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo, who are they?
Nana: Eun Hye! Snap out of it!
Kyungsoo: Don't let them grab you, Eun Hye!
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo! Help me!
Kyungsoo: Don't!! Andwae!
Nana: Eun Hye! Calm down!
Eun Hye: Aniyo! Why are you doing this to me?!! Wae geurae?
Nana: Doctor Suho, please help her.
The people in white grabbed me all of the sudden, and they all placed chains at my arms.
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo.. Help..
The doctor showed his injection and injected something on my arms.
++++
I woke up, being wrapped up in a bandage, and I saw someone, staring at me.
Eun Hye: What am I doing here?! Kyungsoo?
Kyungsoo: I'm here, Eun Hye. I'm always here.
Eun Hye: Please save me from these people..
Dr. Suho: Who are you talking to, Eun Hye? There's no one there.
Kyungsoo: Don't listen to him, Eun Hye. They're persuading you to forget about me.
Dr. Suho: Eun Hye, tell me who do you see..
Kyungsoo is there. I know he is. He's there.. Just like the person I've seen a few years ago.
Nana: Eun Hye..
Eun Hye: Nana.. Where is Kyungsoo?
Nana: Who is he?
Eun Hye: My boyfriend.. I've told him about you..
Nana: You didn't, Eun Hye. You never had a boyfriend.
Eun Hye: I did! He's right here!
Dr. Suho: Oh my. I guess this signifies something.
Eun Hye: S-shut up! Don't you dare put me up into somewhere to where I do not belong!
Dr. Suho: Nurse Lay, give her something to calm down!
That nurse injected another serum inside of me once again and it's making me feel weird. I feel like an epileptic jerk.
Kyungsoo: Don't listen to them, Eun Hye. They don't matter. What matters is you and I.
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo!!
++++
Dr. Suho: Nana, I think your best friend has a mental illness called schizophrenia.
Nana: WHAT?!
Dr. Suho: I've asked her landlord, and there's no Do Kyungsoo in her records. For two years, Eun Hye has been living on her own. She has been hallucinating and she has that delusion that she might be chased by someone.. She thinks she has a lover and a hired gun who keeps on stalking her.
Nana: But she mentioned that Kyungsoo was a good boyfriend, and that they have been together for two years.
Dr. Suho: Well have you seen him? His photographs? Or even his facebook account?
Nana: Well, come to think of it. Will she still be cured?
Dr. Suho: Yes, but she has to undergo medications.
++++
Kyungsoo: Eun Hye..
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo, why are they being like this..
Chanyeol: Snap out of it, Eun Hye! Just give me that damn code!
Kyungsoo: Eun Hye, you have to be strong. Whatever they say, whatever they do.
Chanyeol: The code! The ones you've been seeing!
Eun Hye: BE QUIET! DAMN IT!!
I hit the mirror right in front of me with my fist, causing it to bleed. Both Kyungsoo and that Chanyeol guy kept quiet. Before I knew it, Nana was there together with the doctor.
Eun Hye: Nana, please find Kyungsoo and the secret code that Chanyeol is talking about.. It's located at Hongdae..
Nana: No..
Eun Hye: Jebal..
Nana: EUN HYE! What has gotten into you?!
Eun Hye: Stay away! Don't take Kyungsoo away from me!
Nana: DO KYUNGSOO DOES NOT EXIST, PABO! NOT EVEN PARK CHANYEOL! YOU'RE NOT A DAMN CODE DECODER FOR GOD'S SAKE! *slaps her* You have schizophrenia!
Eun Hye: you!
Nana: When?! Damn it! Look at Kyungsoo! Wherever that damn guy is! He never gets old! And so does that Chanyeol guy!
That time, I calmed myself down and ran away from Nana.
* Note that schizophrenic persons sometimes hear voices that confuse them. It is also due to excess dopamine.
++++
A year has passed, and I remained in the mental institution. I was 25 years old already, with no direction in life. I wanted to pursue being an architect, but because of my schizophrenia, I remained like a prisoner here.
Nana came once again. She never left me, yet I never expected she would still see me after what I did.
Nana: I went to Hongdae a few times, but I never saw any code. There's no Park Chanyeol who is a detective. No Do Kyungsoo. None of them. They are just hallucinations. You were never his lover.. Not even Chanyeol's partner in crime.
Eun Hye: Save me..
I was crying that time. There I saw Kyungsoo again, holding my hand.
Kyungsoo: Baby, please don't cry. Don't hesitate to hold my hand.. Hold me before I'm gone. The tighter, the better.
Eun Hye: Aniyo, it's my turn to cry.. Kyungsoo, aren't you real?
Kyungsoo: I'm always here, Eun Hye. I may not be a part of your reality, but in your mind, I am.
Eun Hye: But.. I can't..
Nana: Do Kyungsoo, leave her alone. I'm begging you even if I don't know who and where you are. Eun Hye, you have to take your medicines with you.
Kyungsoo: Eun Hye, I love you.. It's just that, I cannot exist.. In your own world.. But in your mind where schizophrenia lingers, that's where we can live together.
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo..
Little by little, I let go of his hand. It was hard, because I fell in love with a non-existent guy in reality, but exists in my beautiful mind.
Kyungsoo: You can't ignore me forever.
I can't, Kyungsoo. But I have to undergo medications to cure my schizophrenia.
Kyungsoo: Eun Hye.. What about us? What about everything that we've been through?
Eun Hye: But what about me, Kyungsoo?
Kyungsoo: I love you.. Isn't that enough for you to stay?
Right in front of Nana, I hugged Kyungsoo and kissed him. For seconds, minutes.. I felt his warmth.
Eun Hye: I'm so sorry, but I love you.. Goodbye.
Kyungsoo: I'd take all the blame not because I did it. It's because I care for you. I'd take the pain not because I deserve it, but it's because I don't want you to feel the same. All these not because I want you, but it's because I love you.
Kyungsoo started to cry that time, but I decided to forget about him.
Kyungsoo: You might not need me now, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not ever. But if ever, ever for a millisecond, you feel alone.. Remember, in that fleeting moment 'til forever, I'll be here.
Those were Kyungsoo's last words to me, when I started my medication.
++++
That's not the end yet. My condition was improving, but then again, something came into my mind.
I was missing Kyungsoo, despite of the fact that I've met him because of my mental illness. He was non-existent, like that of a fictional character in a book.
For six months, I kept on ignoring him, yet I see him everywhere. It was not easy because in my mind he's everywhere. My hallucinations lessen, but sometimes, I'd see him, staring at me.
Time came, when I stopped taking my medications, because of one reason..
I am still in love with him. I never stopped. I just got used to the fact that I should ignore him forever.
But then, forever does not exist.
It never did.
He has always been in my heart and in my mind.
He's always the one I dreamt of..
He's the one I long for since then..
But then, I become crazy..
Because he can never be mine.
Because Kyungsoo only exists in a mind with schizophrenia.
Eun Hye: Ya! Kyungsoo!
Kyungsoo: Eun Hye.. You talked to me.
Eun Hye: I can't take it anymore.
Kyungsoo: So do I.
Eun Hye: Why can't you just exist in reality?
Kyungsoo: That's because I was never meant to co-exist with humans.
Eun Hye: Why did I fell in love with someone like you? Wae geurae?!
Kyungsoo: Love can sometimes be magical, but then, magic is an illusion.
Eun Hye: I fell for you.. But you were there and always there.
Kyungsoo and I kissed, in my own room, with our hands intertwined.
That's when I realized..
Eun Hye: Stop..
Kyungsoo: Why?
Eun Hye: This will be the last time I'll be seeing you. Even if I love you, I don't think we are right for each other. I'm crazy, and I'm getting crazier every time we talk like this. I don't want to communicate with you anymore. Kyungsoo, please..
That was my superego, contradicting my id. (Id is the PLEASURE, Superego is the CONSCIENCE and the ego is the BALANCE BETWEEN THEM)
Kyungsoo: Since the day you said goodbye, I've been counting the days when hopefully you'll be back in my arms again. But something scares me, because I might be counting for the rest of my life.
That happened on the 24th of December.
++++
Nana saw me crying on Christmas Eve and began to kick my . She hates seeing me that way.
Nana: Hey why are you crying? Where's the Christmas spirit, huh?
Eun Hye: I started taking the medicines once again.
Nana: You stopped?
Eun Hye: For a little.
Nana: Damn it. Why are you so stubborn?
Eun Hye: Because it's the only way to talk to him, Nana. Don't you understand? I love Kyungsoo so much. I know I can't have him, but I still feel that through my schizophrenia, I might have a chance.
Nana: I know, I know. But I want what's best for you.
Eun Hye: Which is not my happiness.
Kyungsoo appeared right in front of me once again, dressed up in white.
Kyungsoo: Eun Hye, I guess you're right. You don't need me anymore.
Eun Hye: Kyungsoo.. Why are you being like this?
Kyungsoo: In this cold world, is there any room for the both of us? I'm just a part of your mind, and will never be real. Let me hold you for the last time, Eun Hye.
Kyungsoo did, and to be honest, my heart is breaking into pieces.
This schizophrenia, taught me how to love someone..
Someone, who loves me for who I am, despite my mental illness..
But does not exist.
He's for my eyes only..
He's disappearing, little by little.
It's like seeing two puzzles, lying on the floor, with pieces that we have to fit together.
I tried to fix it, but I can't..
Because the two puzzles represent imagination and reality.
They can't co-exist.
He's just a character created on my mind..
Without a possibility that someone like him might exist.
I'm afraid.. I'm attached.. I invested my feelings on a person who is neither a ghost nor a vampire..
I did not choose who to love, it was love who did..
Little by little, he disappears..
I tried to reach him, but my body is too paralyzed..
I can't think straight anymore.
I go crazy.. Because of him.
Do Kyungsoo is gone, and I fainted.
++++
It was Christmas day, and I woke up from a deep slumber. My parents were there, as well as my siblings, Shin Hye and Yoon Hye. Even Dr. Suho was there.
Dr. Suho: It seems like your schizophrenia has been cured thanks to those meditations. But you still have to continue taking those drugs because hallucinations, illusions as well as delusions might continue.
I remember Do Kyungsoo once again..
The imaginary guy that I loved..
I saw him.. Right in front of me.
Then I blinked once more, and he was nowhere to be found.
Eun Hye: K-kyungsoo..
That time, I felt pain once again. It's hard seeing that person you love go right before your very eyes, and know you can't do anything about it. But what's more heartbreaking and painful is remembering the way you were with that person.
Dr. Suho: You still see that person?
Eun Hye: Aniyo. Maybe I made a mistake.
Dr. Suho: Merry Christmas, by the way.
End of Flashback.
I guess we were never meant to be. We never did. We're not. We won't be. That's how cruel reality is.
But then, who am I to question certainties?
++++
Ten years have passed since that happened, yet those memories are still fresh. I'm already 32 years old, still waiting for someone to love. My schizophrenia is no longer showing signs, but remembering Kyungsoo, I try not to think about.
Sometimes, we meet people along the way and walk with them. Only for a while, and it makes a huge difference. I'm so glad our paths crossed, Kyungsoo.
Eun Hye: Do Kyungsoo, I can't see you anymore. But thank you.
"Hearing your voice, is music to my ears, Eun Hye. You're welcome."
Am I hallucinating once again? My tears started to fall, and I feel his presence..
I tried to look for him, and reach him.. But he was staying away.. And my memories fade away as well..
Because he made a huge impact in my life, every guy I meet, I compare to you. It's just a shame, there is no guy like you, Do Kyungsoo.
Maybe these all happened for a reason.. And love came, in the least way we expect.
Newton is right. For every reaction, there's an equal or opposite reaction. I may have survived schizophrenia, but I had to say goodbye.
So goodbye, my love. You'll be forever in my heart.
++++
Epilogue:
I got used to not having a relationship for more than a decade now. Maybe I had too much of that traumatic experience that I decided to be single for the rest of my life.
I became an architect, and had several projects given to me while my best friend is an accountant at the same company as mine. We're inseparable alright. I'm glad I can now live normally, without hindrances or what. There may be feelings of emptiness, but it's better than to suffer for the rest of my life.
Nana: Hey , don't you know we have a new Training Manager?
Eun Hye: Wait, what?
Nana: You're so outdated. Come on!
She took my hand, as we welcome the new employee.
"Let me introduce to you our Training Manager, Do Kyungsoo."
Nana: Oh .
Eun Hye: You've got to be kidding me.
Kyungsoo: Pleased to meet you everyone, I'm Do Kyungsoo. Mannaseo Bangawoyo. *bows*
Then he looked at me all of the sudden, with a smile.
Kyungsoo: Annyeong Haseo, have we met before?
Eun Hye: Molla. [Yeah, back when I was schizophrenic.]
Kyungsoo: You seem familiar.
Eun Hye: Jinjja?
Kyungsoo: You look like my future wife!
. For a moment I thought..
Kyungsoo: But seriously, I think we have met before, noona.
Eun Hye: Go home, you're drunk.
That made other people laugh.
I checked my calendar at my desk and saw something.
December 2, 2013 - When I met Kyungsoo (Beginning of hallucinations)
December 10, 2013 - We became together
December 14, 2015 - I was diagnosed with schizophrenia
December 20, 2016 - I was released from the mental institution.
December 21, 2016 - I stopped talking to him.
December 24, 2016 - Didn't consumed medicines to see Kyungsoo.
December 25, 2017 - My schizophrenia is gone.
It's been ten years since I met Do Kyungsoo, the imaginary one when I had schizophrenia.
Today is December 12, 2023.
And I was kissing the real Do Kyungsoo, who happens to be our Training Manager who lived in England for a long time.
The End~
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