It's been bugging her, is the thing.

"What do you mean, she's different?" Chaeryeong says, eyebrows knitted together. She's holding a water bottle close to . Two hours into practice and she hasn't even broken a sweat. Damn stamina. Ryujin would hate her if they aren't in the same group.

"She doesn't talk," Ryujin says. "Like, less than usual."

"Maybe she's tired?" Chaeryeong shrugs. "Maybe comeback's stressing her out. I know it's stressing me out."

"But this time it's different," Ryujin insists. "She's more withdrawn. Quieter."

A peal of laughter bursts from the middle of the room. Lia's lithe back is bent over, her eyes crinkling, arms around her stomach like it hurts from laughing too much. Yuna's phone is in front of her. She's probably showing her a funny meme on SNS or some truly horrendous joke. Ryujin desperately wants to know.

Chaeryeong raises her eyebrows.

"Okay, so not now, obviously," Ryujin rolls her eyes.

"I think you're reading too much into it," Chaeryeong says, flipping her hair across one shoulder. It smells like strawberries. Ryujin tries not to think about how embarrassingly stinky her armpits are right now.

A reply is on the edge of Ryujin's mouth, but Yeji, returning to the practice room after a short trip to the cafeteria downstairs, beats her to it, announcing, "Lunch!"

At the promise of food, Chaeryeong visibly perks up. Today is cheat day—they've been having less and less of that lately, with the date of their comeback nearing. Some higher ups want Ryujin to have even less, citing her thighs looking fat in the last vlog, and Ryujin sweetly responds by having sweet potato fries as her midnight snacks. Echoing this spirit, Yeji has procured her ham sandwich, chips, and banana milk. Ryujin really loves Yeji. Yuna has pizza bread, Chaeryeong has some healthy mixed greens, and Yeji, making a face at Chaeryeong's meal of choice, is happily stuffing her face in fried kimchi latkes.

Lia is notably sipping at her giant water bottle.

"You're not eating?" Ryujin asks.

Lia looks surprised that Ryujin asks, which exasperates her to no end. It's not like it's hard to notice, when Lia is the only person without a meal. "Oh," she says, and curling around that one syllable sounds really... butterflies-inducing, in a way that Ryujin doesn't want to dissect. "I'm doing that intermittent-fasting thing."

"To lose weight?" Ryujin says, looking up at down at Lia’s small frame. “Aren’t you already on the ideal range?”

"I want to lose four more kilos," Lia answers, and goes to sip her water again like it will make Ryujin less angry at the notion. She looks around, at Chaeryeong and Yuna, giggling at some funny video, at Yeji, texting away on her phone. Ryujin looks down at her sandwich, sighs. She re-wraps it with the parchment paper that comes with it, sets it down next to her. Lia glances at her questioningly.

"In solidarity," Ryujin mutters, and Lia looks startled, but she doesn't say anything. Ryujin thinks about the Lia who jokes at her about the kiss cam at a baseball game, and cannot find that Lia in her grey, downcast gaze. She doesn't want to push, but worry gnaws at her heart.

Yeji catches her eyes. The leader quirks an eyebrow, but Ryujin just shakes her head.

*

Ryujin can't pinpoint where she begins to notice, but she can recall snapshots—moments where she looks at Lia and feels her world shifting off course, just a little. A slight hesitance in Lia's steps, a shuttered smile, one that doesn't really reach her eyes, glumly poking at her food, deflecting and cracking a well-placed joke when asked, turning back so fast into that bubbly personality that Ryujin has no idea how she doesn't get a whiplash.

Chaeryeong catches her looking at Lia, sometimes. She always gives her a Look—in capital, because Ryujin really doesn't know what that look is supposed to mean. It makes her feel like Chaeryeong is looking at her through a magnifying glass, but what Chaeryeong is hoping to find is anyone's guess. One time, she pulls Ryujin aside and says, "Do you have a crush, or something?" And Ryujin's face gets hot so quick that she doesn't think about her reaction, just slaps Chaeryeong really hard on the upper arm and goes to the bathroom to put her face in her hands, her heart pounding wildly against her ribs and not understanding why.

Ryujin doesn't like girls that way. She plays into it, but she's had boyfriends. She's only ever exclusively dated and kissed boys. Anyway, it doesn't really matter, because Yeji notices too. It's kind of annoying that it's only then Chaeryeong begrudgingly starts to listen, but Ryujin is just smug she can hold it against her.

But Yeji is calm about it, which Ryujin finds kind of upsetting. How can Yeji not feel like her chest is hurting whenever Lia smiles that off-kilter, unfeeling smile? It's beyond Ryujin.

"She's just not feeling confident lately," Yeji says. "Try not to make it a big deal, she's pretty self-conscious already."

Which—yeah. If Ryujin wakes up to find comments accusing her of lazy dancing on the top stories when she Googles her name, her confidence will be shot to hell, too. But it's been—what, a month? Since that story broke out. Ryujin has her fair share of stupid scandals too—that one time she thought it was so funny that her stylist had fashioned a tube top out of male underwear became a stupidly unnecessary gossip for, like, three hours, and it made her feel icky to think about how many people were making fun of something she thought was a harmless joke, but she got over it. She wants to understand why Lia couldn't. When she tells Yeji as much, she sighs, in a way that lets Ryujin know that she knows more than she lets on but is unwilling to share.

"She's dealing with it," is all Yeji says, and Ryujin wants protest, but when Yeji puts her foot down, it's non-negotiable. Ryujin pouts, which makes Yeji pinch her cheeks and call her out on trying to abuse aegyo to get what she wants, but she changes the subject afterwards, and Ryujin doesn't know how to bring up the topic again without having Chaeryeong giving her those Looks again.

Lia is pretty much fine the next day, cooking them breakfast and actually eating at the table with them, and Ryujin thinks, oh, good, it's over, then.

And then she catches Lia, turned away when she thinks no one is looking at her, and there—the same unfeeling smile. The one that makes Ryujin's chest hurt just looking at it, the one that shouldn't be on Lia's face, ever.

When Lia catches Ryujin's eyes on her, she shifts suddenly. "What are you looking at, Ryujin?" she winks, and it's meant to be playful and flirty and sure, the effect is super effective on Ryujin—and there Chaeryeong is, giving Ryujin those Looks again, which, off, Chaeryeong—but Ryujin keeps her face straight, and can't quite shake off the feeling that something she holds dear has been snatched off from between her fingers when she never has a chance to really grasp it in the first place.

They go to practice, dance until Ryujin is sure she can't feel her bones, shower and eat dinner made haphazardly by Chaeryeong, sluggishly go through the motions of washing the dishes and finally, finally, at half past ten, they have their free time. Yuna uses it to study, because she's a baby, Yeji usually disappears into a corner and calls her friends and family, Chaeryeong to her online games. Ryujin just likes to go straight to sleep, knackered after what is essentially a twelve-hour cardio, but tonight, she finds it hard to sleep. She lies in bed for an hour, tired but so restless, until Chaeryeong trudges in half-asleep and snores within minutes, and decides that there's no getting sleep for tonight.

She jumps off her bed and puts on her slippers. Maybe she'll watch dramas on mute until she passes out on the living room couch.

She wonders if this is insomnia. Her brother, who is in university, complains about it often—perhaps it's genetics. She remembers her mother up at odd hours when she was little, roaming the house like some kind of ghost. If she passes it down to her, it's just very unfortunate that it manages to manifest now, of all times. Gingerly, she goes down the stairs, careful not to make any noise—Yeji's room is right across from the stairs, and as a very light sleeper, will be pissed off at Ryujin for waking her up.

To her surprise, the lights downstairs are still on. She peers around the corner to find Lia, hair cascading down her shoulders, one sleeve of a sweater falling off a bony shoulder. She jumps when she sees Ryujin, and Ryujin is quick to put a hand on top of her head so she wouldn't hit it against the open shelf above the sink.

"Ryujin," she squeaks. "What are you doing up?"

Ryujin takes her hand off her head, eyeing the older girl with narrowed eyes. "What are you doing up?"

"I asked you first," Lia says petulantly.

"Well, you're here first," Ryujin crosses her arms in front of her chest. "I think you should explain."

Lia's shoulders droop. It makes the sweater fall further, exposing the milky skin underneath. Ryujin stops herself from wondering if it'd feel as soft as it looks. "I can't sleep," Lia admits, almost shamefully.

"So you went to the kitchen?"

Lia mumbles something that Ryujin can't hear. Ryujin leans against the countertop. "Sorry, what?"

"I'm hungry," Lia says, louder and angrier. She looks as though she's just admitted a terrible crime, and Ryujin remembers, with sobering clarity, that Lia's barely eaten anything at dinner. Just kind of—poked at it, looking at the rice and chicken funny. There's the shuttered, locked-up Lia that Ryujin hates, standing in front of her like a thief caught red-handed, when she was just looking for a snack. Something twists in her stomach.

Ryujin squares her shoulder. "Oh," she says, trying to sound as casual as possible. "Same. I was going to throw some sweet potatoes in the air fryer."

She wasn't, but it's worth the lie, when Lia looks up at her with big, brown eyes. The shadows under her eyes are deep, always covered up by concealer and a crazy amalgam of eye cream products that they're endorsed to use on a nightly basis.

"You were?" Lia asks.

"I have cravings," Ryujin says. "You know. That time of the month." She goes to the fridge, removes a couple of smooth, round sweet potatoes. "Want some?"

Lia shrugs. "I guess."

Ryujin makes just enough for two, setting the fryer on the lowest setting so the noise wouldn't wake anyone up. It's a few minutes past midnight; in five hours, they all have to get up for an early TV appearance. Ryujin glances at Lia, not quite watching her from where she's perched on top of the aisle opposite from her, and hopes that she gets enough sleep after this.

She squirts on some hot sauce, just because. Lia eyes it warily and takes the one that has the least amount of sauce. Ryujin observes the way she eats—she doesn't bite, she takes really tiny nibbles. In the time that it takes Ryujin to finish three, Lia's only gotten half eaten. It's almost like she's deliberately making it last longer, and not to savor it.

Ryujin must not have been biting her tongue fast enough, because she says, "Why do you eat so slow?"

Lia's head snaps up, and she looks so embarrassed to have this specific thing pointed out, and Ryujin, cursing herself internally, quickly adds, "I made all this for to the two of us, but at this point I'll finish this all by myself and I don't know about you, but I'd rather not spend an extra hour in the gym trying to burn the extra calories."

She wonders if it's the wrong thing to say when something in Lia's face shuts off, if she's hit the wrong button, somehow, in her effort to get Lia to stop smiling so sadly. Ryujin thinks about apologizing when Lia reaches out determinedly for another piece of fry. She takes one comically large bite, as if to spite Ryujin, and despite the hour, Ryujin feels herself wide awake and alert, following the way her soft, pink mouth close around the fry, shiny from saliva. She has to look away and shove some more fries into to keep herself from doing something stupid, like try to wipe it off with the pad of her thumb—or worse.

Ryujin is far too tired to think about the worse option.

Between the two of them, Ryujin eats maybe a solid ninety percent of the portion, which she doesn't really mind. Her fast metabolism, she has to admit, is God's apt gift. Lia doesn't say anything as she takes the bowl from Ryujin's hands, her fingers brushing just slightly with Ryujin's, and washes the bowl methodically. The curve of Lia's back feels strangely intimate to look at, with this lighting, in the kitchen at this hour, and something traitorous tells Ryujin that if it had been any other girl—Yeji, Chaeryeong or Yuna—it wouldn't feel the same.

But also, Lia's back is curved like she's holding an invisible weight on her narrow, bony shoulders. Ryujin wonders if she can ask Lia to give some of her burden, so Ryujin can understand why, can ease the knot between her eyebrows.

Lia switches off the water tap, and it's very silent, suddenly. Ryujin can almost hear the beat of her own heart.

She looks up at Ryujin, a strand of hair obscuring on eye, something clear in her brown irises. Ryujin's holding her breath when she speaks. "Don't tell anyone," and it sounds so small, coming out of Lia's mouth.

"About..." Ryujin looks around, at the narrow-shouldered girl in front of her, the bowl still drying on the rack. "About not being able to sleep?"

Lia's next words come in a rush, "About eating." Her hands are around her elbows, like a barrier, on the defensive.

Ryujin blinks. "Are you serious?"

"Can you keep voice down?" Lia says urgently. Ryujin hasn't even realized, in her disbelief, that her voice has climbed up an octave.

It just seems so—trivial. What's so terribly shameful about eating that it has Lia feeling like it has to be kept a secret? Ryujin knows about weight restrictions, how the agency wants them to debut at around the same weight, how Yeji always says that she's responsible for what she eats, but she's never felt like she has to hide her midnight cravings. The fact that Lia doesn't think the same is sitting wrong in Ryujin's chest, and she wants to tell her just how wrong she is for thinking that there's nothing wrong with enjoying a late night snack, but Lia's eyes are panicked, desperate to have Ryujin promise to never speak a word about all this, and so Ryujin says, "Alright. I won't."

The relief in Lia's expression makes something in Ryujin ache, somehow. The older girl has been doing that to Ryujin a lot, and she hates it more than she doesn't understand it.

"It's late," Lia says, soft, an obvious attempt to deviate the subject. "We should go to sleep."

Ryujin nods.

Lia goes up the stairs first. Ryujin takes no pleasure in noting how her shoulder blades poke out as she reaches for the railing. Lia disappears into the room she shares with Yuna without so much as a backward glance or a polite goodnight, and it makes it harder for Ryujin to fall asleep. Even if she does, in the morning, she wakes up with a knot of unease in her chest that won't go, even after Lia smiles at her during breakfast, all too cheery and nowhere near genuine.

No one seems to think anything is wrong.

But why would they? They weren't the one downstairs in the kitchen last night, hearing Lia confess her hunger like she's behind a screen, and Ryujin's a Catholic priest who's only supposed to listen and do nothing.

Ryujin pushes herself to act as if nothing is bothering her, grinning in the right moments, talking back at the right jabs on the dining table. But if anyone reads her mind, they'd see that Ryujin is only thinking about Lia, and the soft pads of her fingers curled around a fork, disinterested, without appetite.

Ryujin decides, then, that doing nothing is the last thing she wants to do.

*

Ryujin's not particularly close to Lia, which would be a surprise to anyone who has been following ITZY since day one. Ryujin's not really sure if she's just overthinking it, but she's almost 100% certain that being close to someone implies that there are stories and moments of vulnerabilities shared between the two parties, but with Lia, there's almost nothing but the perfect veneer of an idol whenever Ryujin tries to dig underneath. It didn't use to be something that bothers her or even notice, really—in a group of five, there's bound to be two people who are closest compared to others, and she knows this. She's closer to Chaeryeong than she is with Yuna or Yeji, and that's fine. Ryujin doesn't understand why it suddenly that she's not Lia's closest person.

No, that title belongs to sweet, charismatic Hwang Yeji, with icy silver hair and charming smiles. Yeji seems to be the only one that Lia really opens up to, and Ryujin finds herself wondering, more and more these days, if Yeji knows what she knows. That Lia feels ashamed about having snacks at midnight that she'd make Ryujin promise not to tell anyone. And if she does, if she's done something to alleviate that shame, to look at Lia straight in the eyes and tell that she's being stupid, that food is a joy and she should never, ever feel like she has to hide her hunger. If she's done that, and Lia simply doesn't have it in her to believe in those words, if maybe Lia tells Yeji everything except for the things she tells Ryujin last night.

No matter, Ryujin is on in her own plan. Well, it feels generous to call it a plan; in actuality, it only is just a bunch of dedicated small gestures. Making sure that when she has a snack, she offers it up to Lia and doesn't budge until Lia takes a bite, even if it's infinitesimal, prolonging her eating so she stays with Lia until she's finished her meal, albeit halfheartedly. She also makes a habit of poking out of her room just after everyone's gone to sleep, just to check if Lia is there, hovering in the kitchen, and more often than not, Ryujin finds her, and every time, Ryujin would make an excuse about wanting snacks and roping Lia to eat some of it, even through her protests.

Ryujin tries to make it as subtle as possible, as accidental as tripping over a sidewalk. Lia would be pissed, Ryujin thinks, if she knew what exactly Ryujin is doing to her. Lia's never been good at receiving help, even when she clearly needs it. Ryujin knows it's because her whole career, Lia's been made to believe that she's a silver spoon, only getting in because of people in higher places pulling up strings for her. Training for the shortest amount of time puts her dancing skills below the group average, Ryujin won't sugarcoat it, and Ryujin sees how Lia struggles in the beginning, how she forces herself to put more hours so she can perfect one move, how she doesn't want to ask for help in the first place because she's afraid it would make her seem weak, proving all the naysayers right, until Yeji yells her name so loudly and tells her it's okay to need help.

Looking back, Ryujin wonders if that's the beginning of their friendship. She kind of wishes that it was her, instead of Yeji, who'd helped. Maybe then she'd be closer to Lia.

Ryujin manages to keep her resolve, hides enough behind an air of nonchalance that no one questions why she's been going to bed later than usual, why there's always one extra bowl left to dry on the rack—not even Chaeryeong starts sending her those difficult, indecipherable Looks. Not even observant, leader Yeji. Instead of looking down at her socks, Lia begins to ask if Ryujin's free to have their midnight hangout, every other day, with a smile that makes Ryujin's heart so warm, she wants to take off her jacket. Slowly but surely, the collarbones that used to stick out on her decolletage like thorns soften, and Lia gains weight.

Foolishly, Ryujin begins to think her plan is working.

*

Out of everyone, it's Yuna who approaches her.

And sweet, uplifting Yuna corners her next to the vending machine during practice break with the most severe look in her eyes and accuses her, "I know what you're doing to Lia."

Ryujin is at a loss for words.

"Whatever it is, you need to stop it," Yuna demands.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Ryujin says, but dread creeps up her veins, seizes her heart around an iron grip. Ice cold, she wonders, have I done more harm than good?

"Please," Yuna scoffs. "I may be the youngest but I'm not the dumbest. I'm Lia's roommate. I know that she's been sneaking around after she thinks I've fallen asleep."

"Whatever you think it is, you don't know the half of it, Yuna," Ryujin says.

"Please excuse my French," Yuna tilts her head, her arms going around her middle. "But cut the crap, Ryujin. I may not know 100% what you two get up to, but I know that every time Lia comes back from your midnight rendezvous, she locks herself in the bathroom for hours and always comes back looking paler than usual. I don't need to know the whole story to at least put two and two together." And then she says her next words with so much conviction that Ryujin is almost convinced that it is, indeed, the truth: "You're breaking her heart."

Ryujin almost lets out the ugliest guffaw in the history of all guffaws. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You are breaking her heart!" Yuna jabs a finger at her. "Ugh. Please don't play dumb with that teen crush act. I know you're not actually that dense."

"Yuna, I swear," Ryujin says. "I'm not doing whatever it is you think we're doing. We're just hanging out. Two girls can't do that?"

"Not after dark, being all secretive," Yuna insists. "Unnie, I don't care if you're a lesbian. I don't care if both of you are gay, bi, or whatever. But I care that you're not perceptive enough to notice that whatever it is, you're hurting her." She takes a step back, sighing. "Fix it. I don't want to see Lia sad ever again."

The youngest doesn't even offer her a chance to explain herself, leaving her next to vending machine outside of the JYP dance hall with an exasperated, disappointed huff. Ryujin leans against the vending back, heart pounding in her ears, poring over the implications that Yuna has placed on her and Lia. So many thoughts race in her head all at once. She presses the heels of her palms against her eyes and tries to sort it out.

Okay. Okay, so. One: the obvious. Being told off by Yuna feels even worse than being scrutinized by Chaeryeong's Looks. And Yuna seems to think that they're... , Ryujin can't even say it.

She's not... she's not a lesbian. She's not gay. She supports gay rights, she thinks everyone should have equal rights to be with anyone they want, regardless of gender, but it's not. It's really not.

It's not her.

Sure, Lia is wonderful and amazing and ever since she's put on some weight, the way her cheeks fill out more make Ryujin want to kiss them. But like, as a friend. In a completely, beautifully platonic way. And sure, the way the clothes now fit her just shy of snugly, accentuating her curves, her torso and the dip of her waist and her hips—

Oh my. God.

. . Is Ryujin gay? Wait, she definitely likes boys. She likes kissing boys.

No, seriously. This is normal, probably. Girls admire other girls, it's just a completely normal occurrence, because girls to each other aren't being conditioned to repress their admiration towards one another like boys are. Lia has been looking fresh and livelier than usual; it should be normal that Ryujin wants to compliment her on it.

And besides—

...every time Lia comes back from your midnight rendezvous, she locks herself in the bathroom for hours and always comes back looking paler than usual.

That's more important than anything else. Ryujin's stomach churns just thinking about it.

Her first instinct is to ask Lia. She never wants to assume, not when it comes to their strange, budding friendship. It feels too precarious of a line to walk on. So with her pride carefully intact, she re-enters the dancing hall, determined to get to the bottom of it before her mind goes crazy with anxieties.

And there Lia is, always up and dancing earlier than anyone else in the group, repeating a shoulder move that only Ryujin and Yeji have truly mastered at this point. There's Yeji in another end of the room, earphones in, mouthing along to the words. Chaeryeong and Yuna are nowhere to be seen.

Lia notices Ryujin, and Ryujin doesn't think she's ever seen a smile so blinding before in her life.

"Hi," she greets. "Did you have a nice break?"

And instead of answering, Ryujin finds herself fixated on that smile, the way stretches across her white, straight teeth, the specks of liptint that color the inside of her lips a darker pink than the rest of them. Before Ryujin can decide better, one of her hands is already reaching out, smoothing over her shoulders. They still feel bony underneath her fingers.

"Your shoulder's still a bit stiff," Ryujin tells her in a low voice, coming up behind her. This close, she can see the baby hairs that have escaped her ponytail. If she just leans forward a mere millimeter more, her lips would be acquainted with the texture of the skin on Lia's nape.

"Yeah?" Lia says, her voice barely above a whisper. "Show me how to do it?"

Their eyes meet over the ceiling-length mirror. Lia's eyes are soft, so soft, and is still curled around a smile so genuine, that it washes Ryujin with a sudden horrifying sense of being grossly undeserving.

One: She's hurt Lia, whether she meant it or not. The fact remains. Two: every time Lia comes back from your midnight rendezvous, she locks herself in the bathroom for hours and always comes back looking paler than usual.

Ryujin's made that smile disappear, and isn't that man's greatest offense, to make that genuine smile falter, or gone?

And as fast as she's made the decision to put her hands on Lia's lithe shoulders, she takes them off.

Ryujin stops, after that, for fear that she's hurting Lia in ways she doesn't understand. When midnight rolls around, she forces her eyes shut, clenches her toes and fists so she wouldn't go downstairs and scoop Lia into her arms while they lounge around eating air-fried sweet potatoes. She tries to avoid Lia, as best as she can. She doesn't want to hurt her beautiful soul, never again.

Weirdly enough, this is when Chaeryeong starts giving her more Looks than usual.