I see you coming near, I see you trying to cross that river that separates me from you.
And even if deep down I do feel something for you...
Somehow, I just can't be bothered. And maybe that makes me a bloody idiot and a bit dimwitted.
Perhaps even shortsighted, but I don't know really, I actually don't know what's happening to me.
Maybe it's all because I'm a loner. I see you coming towards me with those beautiful lips you speak to me I watch your hair waver.
I see you sometimes assume poses that if seen by others...you would be the ridicule of the town.
And yet somehow you are always attractive and y and...
Somehow my heart still can't be bothered. It's not that I don't feel anything for you...I'm sure it's not that.
It's just that...I'm afraid, I'm afraid to go on this ride again.
I've done it and I don't want to repeat all over again, it's sure you and me together for a while and then my mind will always start thinking...what about in 10 years? Will I be with you?`
And I know that the answer of my brain is no. And if that answer is a no that means that this will sooner or later end, so why not end it right now?
That, "So why not end it right now" is the reason I'm still alone.
Because maybe I'm too critical and skeptical that maybe I'm too logical to love.
I've considered all of this, I've tried to change, but to no avail.
So yes, if you're wondering right now, yes, I've noticed you, I know you're there but...
My heart can't be bothered. I can't be bothered. And even as I again come before you just to ask you a sign, out of courtesy.
As I look at the beautiful format of your face and the perfect light hitting your hair, the glimmering in your eyes and that bright eye smile as you notice that it's me.
I see all that, I know for sure that you are in love with me and I know deep down that I'm in love with you and yet I can't be bothered to make a move, I can't be bothered to let you know that I know you're there.
I sincerely feel like there's no way out of this. I feel like freefalling into a never ending dark pit. Like spiralling with no way of stopping.
And even as I look at you now I know I love you deeply, I care for you and I want to make you happy, yet...I can't make a move.
I didn't tell you but that would probably be the last time you would see me, the company had terminated my contract, I'm moving abroad...for a while.
I need to clear my head. I didn't tell you that, because I couldn't bear the look on your face when you realized that you wouldn't see me anymore.
And now as I write this to you, trying to picture your sad and perhaps tearful face is making this hard.
I hope that you realize that it was never you but always me, I am and I'll always be...
A loner.

With Regards
Kim Taeyeon