Chapter Twenty-One:
My Throat is Burning and it isn’t Just from my Thirst

Junmyeon’s eyes scrunched up when he became aware of the light filtering into the room, shifting to roll onto his side and away from the light, stopping  when his knees knocked into something. A short huffed whine escaped him and he opened his eyes slowly at first before he tensed a little and they shot the rest of the way open. Apparently it was Jongdae who had prevented him from rolling over. Junmyeon swallowed hard, taking note that the brunet had one hand on either side of his head, holding himself up while he sat on his knees beside Junmyeon, and his eyes were locked onto the blond’s face.
 

“What do you want?” Junmyeon asked, Jongdae’s head tilting a little.
 

“Hmm?”
 

“You’re staring at me,” Junmyeon said, the look in Jongdae’s eyes foreign to him and all he knew was that it was making his chest feel tight.
 

“I do that a lot, you just never seem to notice.”
 

“It’s creepy to watch someone while they sleep. And you’re looking at me weirdly,” Junmyeon argued, feeling a blush start to creep up his neck as a gently smile crossed Jongdae’s lips, tightening that feeling in his chest as Jongdae hummed to signal he had heard what Junmyeon said, but didn’t seem like he was going to reply any time soon. Junmyeon stared back until the tightness in his chest crept up into his throat and he looked away, seeing Jongdae tilt his head to the other side. A few moments of silence passed before Jongdae lowered himself a little, lips an inch from Junmyeon’s forehead when he was stopped by the other’s voice.
 

“What are we?” He asked, shutting his eyes tightly. He felt a small shift in the bed and opened his eyes to see Jongdae had pushed himself back up, the strange look in his eyes turning to confusion.
 

“Huh?”
 

“What are we?” Junmyeon repeated, turning his head to face the other again. “You just showed up in my life, with all your teasing comments and taunted me… then we- we slept together without there being a label and it’s really confusing,” Junmyeon said, feeling like his throat was burning. “We’ve been like this for almost four months, and have s-slept together for almost as long. I need to know if you’re just in this for so I can protect myself from getting hurt when I’m not enough.”
 

Jongdae stared at him for a moment before he shook his head and pulled back so he wasn’t hovering over Junmyeon.
 

“You really are hopeless, aren’t you?” Jongdae asked as he rubbed his face and Junmyeon cringed, trying to prepare himself for what he was sure was coming. “I guess I am too, because I’m hopelessly in love with you,” He finished, lowering his hand and shifting so he was sitting with his legs beside him rather than underneath him, and he propped himself up with one arm. Junmyeon stared up at him, eyes wide. “You look confused, Junmyeon. Did I stutter?” He asked, receiving no change in the blond’s expression. “Junnie?” he called, waving his free hand in front of the other’s face.
 

“You-I-what?” Junmyeon asked, pulling a giggle from the brunet.
 

“I’m in love with you, Kim Junmyeon. Is that so hard to know? To see?” Jongdae asked and the blond sat up.
 

“How would I know? You never said anything! We went on two dates before we slept together for the first time a few weeks later. We never talked about how we felt towards each other.”
 

“I talked while I felt you.”
 

“Okay, forget it,” Junmyeon huffed, starting to move off the bed before Jongdae caught his arm.
 

“Sorry, I,” Jongdae sighed, letting go of the other’s arm when Junmyeon didn’t seem like he was going to continue to leave. “I thought you would figure it out. I’m not good with expressing how I feel with words that aren’t sensual. It’s really the only way I know how to show you how I feel… by trying to make you feel good. I know almost as much about as I do soulmates and it’s…” Junmyeon frowned a little, watching the brunet curl on himself a little, his shoulder raising and shifting forward.

“My body’s the only thing I’m confident about,” He admitted, his voice softening a little. “And that really doesn’t say much when you look at all the jobs I’ve quit or declined because I got self-conscious about it.” Junmyeon’s frown deepened at the forced laugh that Jongdae gave. The brunet had never acted anywhere near like this, and it was starting to worry Junmyeon.
 

“What… Jobs did you do that made you self-conscious?” He asked, shifting a little closer to the brunet.
 

“Started with modeling, but seeing pictures of myself made me feel uneasy, no matter what amount of praise I got. Then I heard that bartenders made great tips for flirting with their customers and looking pretty, but my boss enjoyed having me be the one that the customers took body shots off of too much, and no amount of pay raise or compliments about my collar bones made it any easier. I had learned about soulmates during that time, and the thought of strangers touching me made me feel sick on top of that,” Jongdae paused, taking a deep breath.
 

“Then a friend of mine suggested I become a stripper since the customers aren’t allowed to touch you,” He looked up to Junmyeon’s shocked expression. “I kindly told him to off,” He added and Junmyeon felt himself relax a little. “His next bright idea was for me to be a cam boy, saying I could quit the stream whenever I felt uneasy,” Junmyeon swallowed hard.
 

“What did you tell him?” He prompted though he was pretty sure it wasn’t his place to ask.
 

“Nothing. We don’t speak anymore,” Jongdae stated. “I couldn’t even get through the registering. I was so scared about what people would say about my body. I’m not muscular like a lot of the stars you see… Plus knowing that my soulmate could have been someone to find one of my streams or a video of me and that they could judge me for what I had done, or even see my body and decide they didn’t like it before we got to know each other…”
 

“Jongdae, there’s nothing wrong with your body,” Junmyeon protested, pulling half a smile across the brunet’s lips. “You might not think so, and I know you said people tried to tell you differently but…” He reached out, his fingers brushing Jongdae’s cheek to test the water before he placed his hand on it, nudging the brunet to look up at him. “I like your body. Every bit of it, so you don’t have to worry about that,” Jongdae felt his chest give a painful throb and he swallowed hard. “That’s not the only thing that bothered you about camming, was it.” Jongdae shook his head and averted his eyes, even though the blond didn’t phrase it as a question.
 

“It was so impersonal, ing or having with someone for money,” He took in a shaky breath. “There’s nothing wrong with that for some but… I always knew that would be something really emotional for me… That’s why I was so thrown off when you asked if I was just in this for , because I knew I could never do that. I never did anything more than clothed before you and I had … It never felt right,” he said, eyes trailing back to Junmyeon’s startled expression, his own eyebrows knitting together.
 

“Wait… you were a when we…”
 

“Is that so surprising?” Jongdae asked, not sure if he should feel offended and Junmyeon sputtered for a moment, pulling his hand back from the other’s cheek.
 

“But-but you… you have a closet, and you know…” Junmyeon’s cheeks began to burn. “You know so much about it that I thought you had had a couple of partners who were as open about it as you are,” He stated. “How… how do you know so much if it’s not from experience?” Junmyeon asked and Jongdae stared at him for a moment.
 

“I read a lot?” He stated, his tone showing just how confused he was by Junmyeon’s assumption. “Same way I know so much about soulmates? There’s no way all that I know about those came from experience,” Junmyeon opened his mouth, and then closed it slowly, falling silent for a few moments.
 

“I shouldn’t have assumed.”
 

“I shouldn’t have either, thinking you would understand how I felt. I just didn’t know how to tell you how I felt and I thought you would be able to tell though … Especially when you didn’t seem all that receptive to what I told your friend about how romantic soulmates feel,” Jongdae explained and Junmyeon thought for a moment, playing back through what the brunet had told Minseok.
 

“You mean… the comment about getting hit with a brick?” He asked and Jongdae nodded. “But you told me most people don’t say that’s how it feels,” he pointed out, and Jongdae’s soft smile met his eyes again, his expression making Junmyeon’s chest tighten as it had before.

“Most people don’t. But that’s exactly how it felt when I met you,” Jongdae stated, catching Junmyeon’s breath in his throat.