*****

They call me possessive, selfish, self centered, insecure… that is… because of you

“I love you Jaejoongie” you said jokingly… You didn’t know how those simple words affected me…

When you intertwine your hands with mine, I could feel my heart skip a beat

“I don’t think of Jaejoong as a really good friend. He’s more like my other half” though I don’t know if you’re serious, but I felt butterflies in my stomach

When you caress my cheeks, I could only hold my breath

That time when I leaned on your shoulders, I heard your heart beats faster… I smiled knowing that I’m not the only one.

When you’d wrap me in your embrace, though it’s embarrassing to admit, for me it feels romantic

It’s hard for me to cry openly since I’m the oldest in the group. I have to show everyone that I am strong… Did you know I could only cry I front of you? Whenever our younger members would cry… I’d look at you… I know that time you also want to cry but you made a promise to yourself not to…      

I’m sorry that I’m the reason why your phone bill’s expensive, because you had to call me whenever I’d message you.

You made me feel special, I don’t know if it is only for fanservice or if it is because I really am special to you.

You always said that actions speaks louder than words, did you know that those simple gestures are the reason why day by day I started to fall for you?

For years I thought that I was special, that I’m not just another friend to you. Everybody knows that U-Know Yunho is a really caring person. I thought I was the only one who knows the other side of you.

I love how you’d always want to introduce me to your friends, as if you were to include me in your life forever. I love how you’d always choose me over our other members. I love it how you made me feel safe whenever you’re with me

******

Just when I’m getting my hopes up, after I’ve confessed my feelings for you, I realized something…

I’m not the only one…

While you’re on the phone I heard you say “I love you …” to one of your friends while your eyes were shining brightly, while your smile makes everybody envious of you

It hurts…

I noticed that I’m not the only one who you lock your hands with… I’ve seen you hold his hands not just once… but whenever you’d meet. You’re very affectionate while acting cute in front of him.

Anya…

You used to call me your other half… you’re still mine

Keep it together…

I saw you fix his hair and caress his face lovingly, now I’m asking myself… how is that different from how you caress my cheeks, or how you fix my hair…

Please…

I don’t know if it’s the same with everybody, but I’d hear your heart beating fast when I’d lean my body on you

You should know…

I’m not very fond of you hugging others in front of me

At least…

Let me see you cry once, stop holding it in. “You can cry in front of me, let me comfort you” I said, but you just smiled… then you went out to go drinking… with him.

For you…

Yoochun accidentally told me… you would phone him every night even when we’re overseas. Whenever we’d have breaks no one could contact you… not even me, so I asked him if he was able to contact you or if he knows your whereabouts... He just said “He’s with me”, and I knew I had nothing to say anymore… I can’t

How can I?

That time as I stood in front of you, after I said how much I loved you… that facial expression of yours almost made me cry. You looked as if the world is hanging on your shoulders. Your smile was gone… your eyebrows twitched… when you said you only see me as a ‘friend’… do you know how hard it is for me to breathe that time?

Everybody knows I drink a lot, but after that incident I started to drink worse than before. I don’t know if you hate it, but I don’t care… Changmin once told me I should stop it, that time I thought he’s asking me to stop drinking, but it surprised me when he said that I should stop calling you when I’m drunk… he said you’re always worried when I’m out drinking with my friends. Serves you right…

*****

There was that time wherein I just came from a drinking session… I’m not drunk nor am I intoxicated, I was just tired… too tired to go home by myself. I found myself phoning your number

“I’m drunk, come pick me up”   then I hung up

You immediately came to my aid

 “You! What are you doing?!” you yelled at me, I’ve never seen you that angry and worried before…

“Kiss me right here” I said while smiling… okay I admit, I’m a little drunk back then

“What?!” and I saw how you hesitated

“See, this is who you are. This is the wall between the two of us that neither of us can do anything about it… because even it I tore it down you’ll be building it all up again… just let me in Yunho… just for tonight… even for a moment…”

Just when I was about to cry you suddenly grabbed my face pulled me into a passionate kiss, it was only peck… at first until it gets deeper and deeper, and it felt as if the world stopped moving… as if there’s only me and you. I wrapped my arms around your neck as I kiss you back… I never want it to stop, but we need to pull back in need for oxygen. We were both smiling. You grabbed my hand and took me home.

We were laughing loudly while entering our home, but not loud enough to wake up our sleeping members, you dropped me off in front of my bedroom, caressed my cheeks before pecking my lips

“Goodnight” you said while smiling

But before you could leave me I pulled you inside my room. Locked my door and pushed you on my bed. I straddled on top of you and started kissing you. I could feel the temperature started to rise.  We started to take each other’s clothes off...

“I love you” I said in between kisses

You stopped and held my face

“I’m sorry…” you said while looking serious and I felt that I woke up from a wonderful dream, I felt ugly inside…

As I was about to leave, you pulled me and pinned me down. I find it difficult to look at you, I was angry at you but I was angrier at myself.

“Jaejoongie… look at me” Tears started to roll down my face and I tried to avoid your gaze

“No… look at me Jaejoong” you said with your pleading voice

“I love you…” you whispered

“As a friend… as a brother…” I replied, yeah, I’m no longer hoping that time…

“No”

“Then what Yunho!? What? Please stop confusing me!”

“I love you like this” you said before you kissed me deeply, I felt you hot wet tongue inside my mouth. I was shocked at first, but I found myself kissing you back

“I love you, I love everything about you. I want you to be by my side always. I don’t want you to leave. I want you not as a friend and most definitely not as a brother… but as a lover…”

“Then why did you reject me earlier?” I asked in confusion

“I was scared… I was scared that you’re just confused with your feelings… I was scared of what others would think of you if we’re to be in a relationship… I can accept all those hateful words that other people may throw but not you. I don’t want to see you hurt. Whenever you’d cry it feels as if my heart is also breaking…”

“Do you trust me?” I asked

“…”

“I said to you trust me?”

“I do-“

“Then love me… let’s not think of other people because all I could think about is you…”

“Jaejoong…”

“Yunho… just shut up and kiss me” I pulled you into a kiss

That night I never felt so complete, you made me yours… and you’re mine… mine

*****

We were happy. even if it’s hard… the members accepted our relationship. I was a bit shocked at first that Yoochun and Changmin were not surprised… it was only Junsu who was stunned, but the later accepted us.

Our relationship was smooth sailing. I’ve never felt this kind of happiness …

 Rumors about us started spreading like wildfire.

Our parents found out about us, at first my parents could not accept it. I don’t know how you did it but eventually they finally gave us their blessing. But our biggest problem were your parents, they were kind to us, yes. But they were really against our relationship… even your charms can’t work against them…

“Father! Mother! Please give Yunho to me” I said as I paid them respect

That time I thought they would oppose to me once again, but this time it was different.

“Jaejoong…” Your father said

I was prepared for another rejection…

“If Yunho… If Yunho turns 30 and he still isn’t married… then I  will…. I will allow you guys… I will allow you to marry Yunho…” Your mother said with a weary smile

There’s hope… I smiled

Our relationship with our company was on the rocks. Things become blurry, we started fighting, and we were both tired. That was the darkest time in my life…

As I was pulling my luggage out of my room, you went in

“I’m about to leave now…” I said while holding back the tears

“Don’t leave…” your eyes were pleading

“I’ll be back… so…”

“Liar… Liar…” you’re already crying

“No- Don’t you know how much I love you?” I cried

“Can’t you show that love to me now? Stay… Jaejoong… stay with me…” I kissed him

“I love you”

“Can’t you stay by my side?”

“Do you trust me?”

“I…”

“I trust you Yunho, I love and trust you, but this is a decision we made…”

“I trust you… I trust you…”

“Will you keep my place?”

“I’ll protect you… do you trust me?”

I  smiled…

“I trust you…”