Still another night that I have to look beside me on the bed and see the empty space you left.
Every minute of every hour is spent thinking about why I left you. Somehow I thought it would be better, that it could make things better.
But now I realize my mistake there was much more than what I thought at stake...
Still another day that I have to feel inside me the empty space you left in my heart as I saw you walk away on that rainy day. Somehow I wanted to call for you, somehow I hoped you would turn back but you didn't and now there's nothing I regret more than not screaming for you...
But life is a straight line and not a cycle and I know the moments we lived won't come back, I know we won't be able to live them again, I know I won't have, you, again. And that's what breaks my heart slowly, that's what keeps me up at night, like acid corroding through metal only hundred times slower and stronger. I hope somehow you know, you know what I'm going through without you here.Only the hope of a fool, hoping you knew and somehow thought better of me, somehow felt pity, at this moment I can get by with anything from you. Love, hate, pity...anything, I just need you to tell me anything. Because I can't get stand with the silent treatment anymore, I know this is all my fault, I know it was me who ruined it. But to see you live your life as if nothing happened between us is what hurts me most. I thought, it would be best like this, best if you hate me but not even that luxury you gave me. For me, you feel nothing, and somehow I can sense that, and that's what destroys me. I was a fool, I was stupid and there's not a single day that I don't pray for me to be able to go back and change all the things I did wrong, to have us meet differently. Because if we met differently baby, you know we would be FOREVER. We would be PERFECT. Like Bonnie & Clyde, comrades in communism we would be accomplices and also best friends. But all that is only in a small world I created in the back of my mind, I visit it ocasionally, to remind myself of what it could've been...
I see us, on a hotel for a y escapade. I've pictured us in every possible situation in every possible scenario. I've daydreamed a lot, so much that I got afraid I start confusing reality with imagination. So I stoped. Because daydreaming of us was killing me softly.
Nowadays you just kill me inside, I dream of you wether I want it or not and I have no choice but to look at your beautiful face and somehow try to forget you exist. I try not to look at the sky, or the stars because it reminds myself we are living under the same sky. That maybe somewhere you are also seeing that sky, at that same moment. I like to pretend you don't exist anymore, that way, it makes it easier, but it's complicated because my heart still acknowledges you. All I ever wanted was to forget you but my heart made sure it was impossible. I try to forgive myself at times, I try to make things better for myself. And for a moment I forget, just for a moment...
Still another time I try to make myself forget about you and fail. I hope one day I can be forgiven by you.
It's the only thing I hope for these days baby.
I know you'll never get this but...

Will you forgive me?

With Love

Jessica Jung