When It All Collapse Review
Story Title: When It All Collapse
Brief Description: Myungsoo and Suzy, they meet under the blazing sun, by coincidence. And from that day onward, they starts to build up friendship stronger than anything. But Myungsoo's feelings cross the line, and before they know it, they're slowly falling for each other, and friendship grows to love. Their love is infinite; it reaches all the way up to the sky.
But he breaks them apart at the age of nineteen. That's also when it all collapses, for both him and her.
Rated H: No
Reviewed By: minminXP
1. Title: [2/5 pts.]
You made a grammatical mistake in the title itself. For picky people like me, it is a major turn-off, as it suggests that your grammar within the story would be around the same standard as given in your title. It should be “When It All Collapses” instead. You missed out a very important ‘s’.
On the other hand, your title is relatively interesting. It is not one that I would simply brush aside, but it’s not extremely eye-catching either. It’s rather average in this aspect.
2. Poster/Graphics/Background: [2/5 pts.]
Based on my personal opinion, I find that the expression of Myungsoo and Suzy in the poster does not really seem to fit the concept of the story. For one, Suzy looks too happy and Myungsoo seems nonchalant, almost undisturbed and detached from everything even though he is the one character in the story that seems to have the most emotional turmoil.
3. Foreword/Description: [8/10 pts.]
I have hardly ever seen someone start off his or her description with a poem before. And even when they did try to, their poems ended up really awkward and cheesy.
4. Plot: [12/30 pts]
Unfortunately, your plot isn’t exactly very original. In fact, it’s rather clichéd. I’ve seen numerous stories with almost the exact same plotline as yours, so I’m not impressed by the ideas presented in your story.
5. Flow: [2/5 pts.]
Your story progresses extremely slowly, and it’s unappealing for those who cannot stand slow-moving stories. Do try to speed up the pace of your story, instead of continually focusing on Myungsoo’s feelings of how tortured he is. No matter how beautiful your language is, the idea will get old over time, and it will be harder to hold the reader’s attention.
6. Characterization: [5/5 pts.]
You have covered this category extremely well. Myungsoo’s emotions are revealed not just on a shallow basis, but you gave a whole new level to revealing his current mental status.
7. Grammar/Spelling: [12/20 pts.]
You made quite a few grammar mistakes such as sentence structuring, such as: “She hated when I came home with my clothes in dirt.” It should have been: “She hated it when I came home with dirt on my clothes.”
Here are a few other mistakes that you made. (The italicized words is the edited version.)
“She reached out her hand to touch it again, but I snapped it away.” The word ‘snapped’ her is used in the wrong context. You cannot snap a hand away, but you can definitely slap it. Perhaps you should change it to “She reached her hand out to touch it again, but I slapped it away.”
“I didn’t dared to” should be “I didn’t dare to”.
You mostly made little mistakes, so it’s not exactly as bad as I thought it would be.
8. Overall Enjoyment/Entertainment: [11/20 pts.]
Overall, I’m not a big fan of your style of writing. It somehow seems a little draggy and dull. If you added more plot developments, I’m sure that I would have enjoyed it more. However, the entire story felt rather boring to me as you seemed to be repeating the same old things over and over again.
*Please always remember that if you make changes, or add to your story, you can always request for another review to better your score. Just send in another application, and we’ll get back with you as soon as possible.*
^ Back to Top