The Bet- To Make You Moan For Me Review
Genre(s): Romance, Angst, Drama, Smut
Brief Description: It was a match, a competition, a rivalry at first, they didn't expect anything else but pure lust and pleasure. But as time goes on- There was a bond, an attachment, a connection-They want each other. They need each other. They both have the desire, the craving, the passion for each other. But in the end, is it all just a bet?
When the new dance choreographer for Super Junior's latest comeback album stumbled into Kim Heechul's life, the ultimate idol, for once he was astounished, he was astounded, he was dumbstruck.
To him Park Hyena was all new. He was curious to why she wasn't attracted to his appeal in even the tiniest bit, to why her legs didn't go weak at the very first sight of him, to why she wasn't begging vastly for his attention like every other existing woman out there...
It was Curiosity that started it...
The bet to make you moan.
Rated H: Yes
Reviewed By: Unnielove (A.K.A. Cee Cee)
1. Title: [4/5 pts.]
It’s an interesting title, but I personally didn’t feel completely intrigued by it.
2. Poster/Graphics/Background: [5/5 pts.]
Your poster is awesome. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m a lover of dark-themed posters or something, but I just loved it, period. It was really well designed, at least in my opinion.
3. Foreword/Description: [7/10 pts.]
Your description was decent and gave me enough information that I would be able to have a basic understanding of what your plot was going to be about. I especially liked your character descriptions with their quotes- I’m still chuckling over
I took off two points because there were some grammatical errors in the description and an additional point because, really, you should have written something in your foreword- something like a teaser or at least a few quotes giving readers additional insight on your story.
4. Plot: [26.5/30 pts]
I enjoyed your plot quite a bit- especially the smut parts. Originality-wise, there are stories like this all over the place, but you did a very good job throwing in your own twists. I’m curious as to what kind of traumatic experience Hyena had with someone in her past that makes her as she is in the story. My heart dropped when I realized what happened to Leeteuk that made him so pitiable.
I deducted points for a few reasons: one, it kind of irked me that the bet took about eight chapters to be realized and finalized. I personally would have preferred that you explained it more in detail. I mean, I get that the whole point of the bet was spelled out in the title, but eh, you could have elaborated on it more.
The part with Leeteuk before the last chapter you updated was kind of confusing and rushed as well- Leeteuk trying to hook up with Hyena literally right after he told her his story was a little strange and this part felt rushed so it took some time for me to understand what exactly had happened. Also, what was the deal with the house that Heechul took Hyena to? Is that his real house? I thought he lived in the dorms. You could have benefited by explaining this a little more.
5. Flow: [4.5/5 pts.]
Your flow was pretty good, save for what I mentioned earlier about how the last few chapters felt rushed- you could have slowed down just a bit and taken your time when focusing on Leeteuk and Hyena. Chapter 8 was another confusing point in terms of flow- you didn’t make the time setting of the chapter clear until the middle so it didn’t occur to me that Hyena was coming over at about one in the morning. Had you made that clear, I would have had a better view of what was currently happening.
6. Characterization: [5/5 pts.]
I really loved how you made the characters with their own, entire personalities. Hyena was just a little cliché with the whole persona of being a “strong-willed woman hiding a weak self” but you put your own spin on it which was nice. Eunhyuk I found adorable and I loved Heechul. I also loved the fact that Donghae was in this too, but that’s just me being a Donghae bias :D <3
The best part about the characters though was how much more real the Super Junior bond seemed to be. In the majority of fanfiction about Super Junior that I encounter, they are almost always portrayed as fun-loving goofs and dorks. I mean obviously that’s what all of them really are but no other side other than the overly happy, loving side of them is shown, so kudos to you!
7. Grammar/Spelling: [15/20 pts.]
Grammar pulled your score down here- especially tenses. You have a continuing habit of switching between present and past tense. This is something that could confuse new readers. You also sometimes made unnecessary capitalizations of letters in some words. Here are some corrections I’ve made:
“Heechul didn’t even bother shooting her a disgusted look, his eyes were back to the woman whom he couldn’t get off his mind off all week- the woman who’s dancing ever so feverishly on the dance floor, dressed in a tight-fitted red mini dress which was made for her body, she grinded seductively against a full grown man’s joy.” → Heechul didn’t even bother shooting her a disgusted look as his eyes were back on the woman whom he hadn’t been able to get off his mind all week- the woman who was dancing ever so feverishly on the dance floor…(end the run-on sentence). She grinded….
“Anything for the pretty lady.” Hyuk stated, as if it’s a fact. → “Anything for the pretty lady,” Hyuk stated, as if it was a fact.
She shifted her position slightly so now she’s able to observe the unstable emotions screaming from Heechul’s face in amusement. → She shifted her position slightly so that she could observe with amusement the unstable emotions screaming from Heechul’s face.
Maybe it’s reflex or the same kind, Hyena began to whimper in pleasure. → Maybe it was a reflex or the same kind (confusing word usage)- whatever it was, it caused Hyena to whimper in pleasure.
There was only hatred, only annoyance in stored for the universe biggest star. → There was only hatred, only annoyance in store for the universe’s biggest star.
but the faster Heechul moved, the more disintegrated her defence got. → But the faster Heechul moved, the more disintegrated her defense became.
He’d varnished the moment Hyena stepped out of the storage room earlier on. Hyena didn’t ask the boys about his nonappearance. She didn’t care. She didn’t want to care. After all… he’s going to be difficult in the future. → He had vanished the moment Hyena stepped out of the storage room. Hyena didn’t ask the boys about his disappearance…after all, he was going to be difficult in the future.
How she could be so free-willed; how she could be so resistant of the word ‘shame’; and most importantly- how she could have the one and only Kim Heechul wrapped around her little finger, just that easily. → How could she be so free-willed, how could she be so resistant of the word “shame”? Most importantly- how could she have the one and only Kim Heechul wrapped around her little finger so easily?
The higher the hands go, the wider Hyena’s legs spread themselves → The higher the hands went, the winder Hyena’s legs spread themselves.
8. Overall Enjoyment/Entertainment: [19/20 pts.]
I think you have a lovely writing style and an admirable vocabulary, both of which you utilized very well. Your story has yet to really develop into its climax but I’m already quite interested already- that is a very good sign.
Comments/Feedback: I think that, for the most part, you’re a good writer with interesting ideas and a very nice style of writing. Like all writers, the one thing you do to improve is to practice, practice, practice! One area I would concentrate on is grammar and tense- that was what really pulled your score down. Whenever you write anything, decide with finality what kind of tense you’re using and stick with it unless what you’re writing about calls for a change in tense.
*A/N (supshaz, A.K.A Shizdictator! XD)
Review by Lady Comma:
1. Title: [4.5/5 pts.]
The title is simple and caught my attention right away. Great job because it’s hard to catch my attention just by the title alone. However, I docked off half a point because the title, although it’s good, is a bit long. I just have this weird thing that titles should be five words or less. Sorry for being a bit harsh.
2. Poster/Graphics/Background: [5/5 pts.]
Amazing. The poster is amazing and the background goes with the poster. It all goes together very well, great job.
3. Foreword/Description: [10/10 pts.]
Again, amazing. You peaked the readers interest as well as gave the readers information about each character beforehand. It’s also very decorative as well as organized. So far, this is probably the best foreword/description I have seen to date. GREAT job!!
4. Plot: [30/30 pts]
Very well thought out, I was impressed with how well you wrote your story. GREAT job!
5. Flow: [5/5 pts.]
Your story has built up with a great momentum, and the flow has been even throughout. Once again, great job!
6. Characterization: [5/5 pts.]
I was happy to see your characters, stay in character. You did a great job here as well!
7. Grammar/Spelling: [18/20 pts.]
I found a few errors in your grammar and spelling, but it wasn’t too bad. I was very proud of how well you wrote your story! Good job! Just be sure to revise your chapters before posting them.
8. Overall Enjoyment/Entertainment: [20/20 pts.]
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story, especially the smut scenes! They were AWESOME!!!
Comments/Feedback: I really can’t find any areas that need some improvement other than just reviewing your chapters prior to posting them. You have done a great job and I hope you keep up the good work!
*Please always remember that if you make changes, or add to your story, you can always request for another review to better your score. Just send in another application, and we’ll get back with you as soon as possible.*
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