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by LadyComma
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Story Title: Invitation to Death
Author: joanne200969
Genre(s): Horror, Thrill
Brief Description: What if, one day, you receive a mysterious invitation to a reunion by an old classmate? What if, when you reach the reunion and your classmates start to die off one by one? What if, the next target is you? What is the murderer’s reason? Could the murderer be one of your classmates? Will you be the last one to die?
Rated H: Yes
Reviewed By: Meteors (A.K.A. Grammar Nazi)
1. Title: [4.5/5 pts.]
Your title definitely caught my eye. There's a lack of unique titles on AFF, therefore, yours stood out to me. It also related to the story very well. But, even then, I had to dock off half a point because I thought it was a tad cheesy. Sorry.
2. Poster/Graphics/Background: [5/5 pts.]
Your poster was very well done. I applaud whoever created it! The poster has a dark, eerie feeling that really pulls the entire story together. The slightly faded pictures of the characters on the side give the simple poster a more complex look, while still keeping it clean and neat. The bold and red font on the 'D' of the word 'Death' gives the poster a hint of color, making the title stand out from the black background. Five points for you!
3. Foreword/Description: [9/10 pts.]
The description was well written! Just by reading it, I was extremely interested in the story and was curious as to what was going to happen. It reminded me slightly of the Korean movie “Bloody Reunion”; I'm not sure if that's where the inspiration of this story came from, but I digress. I really enjoyed the fact that you included the icons of the characters, and the short intro to your story in the foreword. The reason I docked off a point was because I felt like your foreword had too much going on, and was slightly confusing to look at. I kept wondering why you didn't push the review credit/poster credit as well as the link to your sequel to the end of your foreword, rather than leaving it at the end of your description. It was basically in the middle of everything, and was very frustrating to look at, if that makes sense.
4. Plot: [15/30 pts]
While your plot was quite interesting and unique compared to most stories on AFF, it reminded me too much of the movie “Bloody Reunion”, and though I'm not sure whether or not that is what this story was inspired by, both the movie and your story were quite similar, therefore, I docked off five points for unoriginality. I docked off another five points because your story wasn't very realistic. The deaths you described were very far-fetched, and, though they were deaths created by a mastermind, it was still quite hard to believe. For example, in your final chapter, chapter 19, how did Kwon Yuri know where they were to kill Taemin in the first place? She basically just appeared out of nowhere and seemed to know everything that was happening on the island.
Also, if Youngmin kidnapped Key, and many people died while Key was kidnapped, wouldn't Youngmin have to be with Key in order to keep an eye on him? How did he know when to press the buttons in order for the guests to be killed at the proper time?
On top of that, the deaths of your characters were not very well described, in my opinion. Your descriptions went as far as a few straight forward sentences as to how to character looked, and that's about it.
“He lied there, his neck covered with blood. It was a horrific sight.” That's basically what it felt like I was reading with all the descriptions.
The deaths' of the guests were quite unrealistic as well. A perfect example of this was Jaejoong, in chapter 15. He died because of poisoning caused by chocolate. Where did he get the chocolate? It was never mentioned in your story. For argument's sake, let's say he found the chocolate on the counter top and decided to eat it. Wasn't a large topic in the house the fact that the killer may have poisoned the food? With that in mind, why did Jaejoong eat the chocolate anyway? I find it hard to believe that he would have simply forgotten that someone is out to kill him.
And, in Chapter 10, the death of Taeyeon was, again, unrealistic. She was completely afraid of the house and was afraid of being killed as well, yet she was so awed by this antique room that she had forgotten all her fears?
Again, I find that hard to believe.
Finally, in chapter 17, as Jonghyun was dying, he managed to say “Be… Happy…”. I fail to see how that line relates to anything that has happened in the story.
So in total, because of all of these “flaws” that I've found, I docked off a total of fifteen points, leaving you with a remaining 15.
5. Flow: [4/5 pts.]
The flow of your story was actually quite good! Not too fast to the point where it's rushing the story, but not too slow so it doesn't stay boring for too long. Though I did feel like the deaths of your characters were a tad rushed, I didn't find it a big problem. The reason I docked off a point was because the perspectives were constantly jumping. I would have been completely content with giving you the full five if you didn't state the fact that the perspective had changed, and just let the reader figure out on their own. The fact that your chapters were titled with “Not Key's POV” or “???????'S POV” gave the story a bit of an unprofessional feel. But, you still got 4 points!
6. Characterization: [5/5 pts.]
Your characterization was very good! Your characters were well described, and by reading your story, I could understand what type of person your character was. It was very nice having your characters introduce themselves in the third chapter; it gave the reader a clear idea of what “roll” your characters played. Five points!
7. Grammar/Spelling: [13/20 pts.]
Your story had quite a bit of grammatical errors. Not too many to distract me from the story, but enough for me to point it out. Your main problem was your issue with bad writing; though your grammar was decent, your writing was, bluntly put, not so great. I marked you down extra for that.
Your original text will be first, and my corrections will be marked in bold font. I will also include the chapters, in case you wish to fix your errors.
Chapter 7
We searched from the doorstep to all the way to the jetty, keeping each other within sight.
We searched from the doorstep to the jetty, keeping each other within sight.
We went all the way till the jetty. I looked out at the horizon, back at Korea.
I looked out at the horizon, back at Korea. *Remove the first sentence. You already stated the fact that you searched the jetty.
You’ll regret for being too smart for your own good.
You'll regret being too smart for your own good.
Chapter 15
It stuck out from her chest, just like the Eiffel Tower embedded in Yoona’s chest when she had died.
The Statue of Liberty stuck out from her chest in an awkward manner.
The Statue of Liberty stuck out from her chest, just like the Eiffel Tower was embedded in Yoona's chest when she had died. *This isn't really a grammatical error, just bad writing.
Chapter 19
“When I was about the check on the milk, a axe fell.”
“When I was about to check on the milk, an axe fell.”
8. Overall Enjoyment/Entertainment: [10/20 pts.]
Unfortunately, I didn't really enjoy your story. You had an amazing idea, but, for me, it didn't quite come together on paper. There is no doubt that your story contained great potential, you just have yet to channel that potential and unleash it. In other words, the trunk of your tree is strong, but the branches are limp.
I found myself skimming through some of the chapters because I simply got bored of reading it, and I had to go back into the story and look at it again for a second time. Though there were short bursts of excitement in your story, it seemed to remain just that – a short burst of excitement. Overall, your story was good, but it's simply not something that I would read again.
Comments/Feedback: Please do not feel discouraged by my review! I manage to always find some kind of flaw in a person's story. You did very well! Please keep writing! I'm eager to see your future stories!
Total: [65.5/100]
*Please always remember that if you make changes, or add to your story, you can always request for another review to better your score. Just send in another application, and we’ll get back with you as soon as possible.*
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hi_there_kpop on says:
I've requested ^^
hellhathfury on says:
Hi, I'm curious, do you not review oneshots? Since in the rules it says to have at least 3 chapters.
l_kim96 on says about chapter 1:
I requested a review :D can't wait xD
carlafaaaaye on says:
Hi, I submitted a form weeks ago but I still don't see my story on the pending list?
LonesomeAngel on says:
I would just like to ask if you do review incomplete/still progressing stories? And do you review yaoi stories as well? (just to ask since some shops don't review such genre).
AznDuckies on says:
hello i have just requested a review lol. first time ever.
--iSoul on says:
um i was just wondering. i requested from quite a while back (lol no worries im not rushing you) but i see my story is listed to be reviewed by "BlankText". but when i came to her profile, it states that she's deactivated. does this mean my story isnt getting reviewed anytime soon?... ;__ ;
ljolson on says:
I requested a review~ Can't wait [:
Nicsnsd on says:
I submitted my request but don't see it in the list....
threecheers on says:
Sent my request. Thank you in advanced! :D
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