♔ Calling for ❥icecream--❣❣❣ (My Crazy and Annoying Fangirl ❤ Review)

My Crazy and Annoying Fangirl ♥

Story Line by: icecream--

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/90040/my-crazy-and-annoying-fangirl-comedy-ljoe-romance-teentop-you-mynameband

Reviewed by: Kallen_Langely @ P i n k P o s i t i v e ❣ || Review Request Shop ◕‿◕

Story Title: 1/5

I’m sorry, but the title doesn’t appeal to me very much. I feel like I can already predict how this story is going to go. I did give you a point, though, for capitalizing it correctly. I really appreciate that.

Poster and Background Appearance: -/10

While there is a background, there is no poster. Because of this, I won’t include this in your total score, and this will also not affect your grade. I like the background. It’s easy on the eyes and fits the whimsical mood of the story. There’s no shame in requesting a poster from a shop, and having a poster can also attract more readers. You just need to request from shops with people who know what they’re doing.

Neatness: 6/10

I noticed that English is not your first language, and because of that, I have deducted points. The grammar errors make the story awkward in some places. Overall, however, your story is quite organized.

One specific I will address is how Jin Ae was able to get into the T.O.P Media building. I know it’s because of her uncle (which is “Samchoon,” not “Samcheon”), but I have no idea what he has to do with the company. Is he the president? Vice president? Or maybe he manages YG Entertainment? I don’t know anything about this issue, and it bothers me that you did not explain this. (You’re probably going to explain it in a later chapter, but right now I’m very confused.)

Story Description: 3/5
To be honest, it’s an acceptable description. The only problem I have with it is the issue of missing verbs and other grammatical errors. Because of that, I felt that it distracted from the function of a description, so I suggest you try to fix it whenever you can. At the very end of the description, you have: “She is my Crazy and Annoying Fangirl ❤” The heart is unnecessary, as I wouldn’t think L.Joe would like this girl if he’s calling her that. Of course, he’s most likely going to change his mind later on in the story, but for now, you don’t need the heart there. It gives away part of the plot and is misleading.

You also have a section where you describe all the characters. That is a big no-no in the world of writing. You should be able to have the readers find out all those aspects of your characters from the way you write your story. Putting in a character description such as this gives away so much of the plot, and you don’t want that.

Chapter Titles: 4.5/5
There are only two chapters so far, but there’s nothing terribly wrong with their titles. I took off half a point because I didn’t really like the second chapter’s title. It’s a bit too long and awkward. It’s not bad; I’m just a nitpick.
 

Plot: 17/30
There isn’t a lot plot right now, but I will grade what there is. It’s an average plot, and there is a lot that readers can predict just from the title. Because of the lack of originality, I don’t love the plot at the moment. It’s a good thing you’re still just starting this story. There’s time to make changes and better develop your writing skills. You can add in events that are unique to your story and not fitting the stereotypical plot of “Girl likes Boy, but Boy doesn’t like girl. And later on, Boy starts liking Girl.”

Originality: 10/20
The idea of an idol having an “annoying and crazy” fan is nothing new, but you did make it a little unique in that Jin Ae already has a boyfriend. I deducted ten points because I didn’t sense much originality in this story except for what I stated previously.
 

Spelling: 4.5/5
I’m a really big critic when it comes to spelling and grammar. There were hardly any spelling errors, and I congratulate you on that since English is not your first language. Here are a few errors I found:

1) Error: The mischevous rapper of Teen Top.
Correction: The mischievous rapper of Teen Top.

2) Error: He will quickly hide if you come to Teen Top practice room to avoid your squeasl.

Correction: He will quickly hide if you come to Teen Top’s practice room to avoid your squeals.

3)Error: She live alone in Seoul because her parents live at Paris for bussiness.

Correction: She lives alone in Seoul because her parents live at Paris for business.

4) Error: Jin Ae let out a small chuckled.

Correction: Jin Ae let out a small chuckle.

4) Error: “Allright. Let’s practice again!”

Correction: “All right. Let’s practice again!”

5) Error: She said ‘See you late oppas.’

Correction: She said ‘See you later oppas.’

Grammar: 2/5
I know English is not your first language, and I’m sorry to give you such a low score. There are just so many grammar errors that I get a little distracted from the story; I start thinking more about how many errors there are rather than what’s going on in the story. I can give you a few tips here that may help you later on as you continue to write.

-Whenever you are writing in present tense and using a verb with he/she/it, you add an “s” to the end of the verb. Of course, there are always some exceptions (to have, to be, etc.). So instead of saying “she live,” you would say “she lives.”

-If you begin writing in the past tense, you should continue to write in the past tense for the whole story. You change to present tense quite a bit. Of course, there are times when you can go to future tense, and you can use any tense when there is dialogue. But for the most part, try staying in past tense. It will make your story flow much better.
 

Flow: 5/10
As I said earlier, because of the tense shifts, the story is a little awkward. I also deducted points because everything is happening so quickly. You give the readers all this information in one chapter, and then Jin Ae is already going to T.O.P Media in chapter two. Take your time when writing and plan things out. I know it’s easy to rush things when you want something to happen in your story, but remember that something rushed is never good.
 

Writing Style: 5/10
Your writing style is a little dry, but I don’t dislike it. There’s nothing wrong with it except for the grammar errors, but I just think that the fact that English is not your first language is hurting you a little. If you were writing this in your native language, I honestly think it would be great. It takes a while to become accustomed to the English language. Believe me, half of my friends had to learn English as a second language, and I know how hard it is to do so. English is my first language, and even I get annoyed with it at times. To “spice up” your writing style, you could add in more details. For example, when Jin Ae squealed at L.Joe’s rapping, you could add in details about why she was squealing. Why does she like him? Is it because he’s handsome? Or maybe it’s because of his voice? Little details like that can really improve your writing style.
 

Ending: -/10

There’s no ending at the moment, so this will not affect your total score.
 

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5

To be honest, I really enjoyed this. Despite the grammar errors, it’s a pretty good story, and I can tell you like to write. Don’t ever give up, because being able to read and write is privilege in today’s society. Cherish it. (:
 

Bonus: 2 points

I respect your efforts in trying to write a story in a language that is not your first.

*Total: 64/110

58.18%

I’m really sorry if you are disappointed by your low score, but please do not be discouraged. I’m a pretty strict reviewer, but I just want to help other writers. It’s apparent that you like to write and that you have talent. You just need to familiarize yourself with the English language and add a couple details here and there. I wish you the best of luck~

PS I deeply apologize for the delay of this review… School has been taking up a lot of my time recently. Again, I’m very sorry. Thank you for your patience! Oh, and don’t forget to credit this review shop afterwards. I wouldn’t want you to end up on the blacklist.^^

-Review by Kallen_Langely

Dearest icecream--, sorry for taking the review that long!!! All of us here at PinkPositive ask for your apology. Since me, admin Steph is busy, I'd let our chingu reviewer, Kallen_Langely to do the job. Don't worry, coz Kallen_Langely is a whole lot better reviewer than I am!!! hahahah XD Please don't forget to comment when you already got your request and also, please don't forget to credit! ^.^ That's all!!!

Thanks for requesting and see you again in the future!

-- ♔ S t e p h a n i e <3