fifty-nine

I am because we are (Ubuntu) [Permanent Hiatus]
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By the time Kyungsoo had finished tidying up the kitchen tiles, safe from any harm with the help of Chanyeol, Junmyeon too was done treating and bandaging Baekhyun’s wounds. In that same time, the rain outside had also began pouring down stronger than this morning; its sounds louder and far rougher as it hits the window outside, the scenery no longer visible and hidden by the thick pouring of rain.

 

For a while, Baekhyun was left on his own while the three others attend to other things. Cleaning and clearing up areas for Baekhyun’s further safety now that he is wounded and unable to walk. He watches the rain silently, watching the strong patter of rain and its big droplets splash with no rhythm. It felt like the weather is reflecting exactly what he feels inside – nothing but pain and sadness.

 

The immense almost physical pain in his chest he felt from earlier had subsided and was soon nothing but trickles of heartache. But as the hurtful reality continues to replay in his mind, the sadness he felt was still very much present.

All he wants is happiness. All he wants is to be loved. Is that too much to ask? But then again, it is. He wants the happiness he feels with his friends to remain – his rich friends. He wants the love Chanyeol is willing to give him to stay – Park Chanyeol. He is asking too much from people that are not even at his level, people that he is not at level with. They are far too on top while he is too far at the bottom. They are something, he is nothing. All the more at the fact that they are not even aware, because he had been lying, hiding the truth all this time.

On second thought, Kyungsoo’s mother was right. He was bunched up with those kinds of people who only use others for their own benefit. He was no one to be trusted for. He was lying just so he can receive the love and care he had always wanted. How selfish could he be…

 

 

The first to accompany him was Kyungsoo, who sat just beside his outstretched legs placing a hand on his ankle massaging it gently to ease the pain he knew was still fresh.

“Hey Baek, you okay?” his voice gentle and soft.

 

Baekhyun gives his friend a smile, this time sincere and no longer reflecting the pain from earlier. He nods slightly in answer, putting a hand out that Kyungsoo held without second thoughts.

 

“What happened back there?” Kyungsoo asks worriedly.

 

“Nothing.. just.. dropped the glass is all.” He answers with the same smile he hopes reassuring enough.

 

“You sure? You looked so shakened up.” The grip on Baekhyun’s hand tightens.

 

“You do know how much of a clumsy fart I am, Soo.”

 

Baekhyun’s playful tone had Kyungsoo giggling in return, nodding at him in agreement.

 

“True. You break a lot of things it’s not even funny,” both laugh; the heavy atmosphere turning light by every second of laughter.

 

“But seriously though, I’ve seen you break stuff before but you were never that frightened over it.” Kyungsoo asks morosely, reminded of the look of absolute terror in Baekhyun’s eyes that he had not seen before. “You’re more cutesy patootsie when you do.” and adds in jest.

 

In response, Baekhyun laughs as if to hide something far deeper, all the more at Kyungsoo’s last phrase that he said with an amused smile.

“I’m sorry…” He tells him with the same pretty smile, bringing their hands up palm to palm and interlaces their fingers in an absentminded manner. “I guess it’s ‘cause I’m at Chanyeol’s place. Look around you, everything’s… expensive.” Kyungsoo looks around and nods agreeing.

 

“The things you’ve seen me break were at the café, which is nothing new since you all already know, how I’m like, are plain cheap stuff. Here though--” Bringing down their hands, Baekhyun looks around the luxurious living room. “I’m still pretty much just a visitor. It’s scary and uncomfortable to know I just broke something probably worth a lot. It was a pretty plate too…” he adds the last with a pout.

 

“It’s just a plate, Baekhyun.” Junmyeon joins in, sitting down behind him to pull him in an embrace, resting his chin atop his shoulder. “You got us all worried you know, don’t do that again.”

 

“Hyung I…”

 

“We can always buy a new one. It’s just a plate that can be replaceable any time. You on the other hand…” he pinches Baekhyun’s side and receives a yelp in response. “You’re far more important than any plate.”

 

“Really?” Baekhyun asks playfully as he rests his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder behind, looking up at him with his signature puppy face.

 

With lighthearted laughter, Junmyeon tightens his arms around him and leaves a sweet kiss to his temple. “Really really~”

 

 

 

The lovely scene was witnessed by Chanyeol just in time as soon as he entered the living room. He was silent the whole time, simply watching from a distance while the other three fails to notice his presence.

 

When he heard Baekhyun tell his reason to Kyungsoo, he felt his heart ache.

While what Baekhyun said was true – that he was still pretty much a visitor – that is not how he saw him. Baekhyun is his lover and even if he had only stayed here for less than a week and a few times before, his penthouse felt more complete with his presence.

He then felt a sudden despise to his luxurious penthouse, for he did not know that Baekhyun thought that way.

These were nothing but materials. No matter how cheap or expensive they are they were nothing but just that – things. Baekhyun, on the other hand, is far worth than any of this.

 

Chanyeol was about to counter his reason, but Junmyeon beat him to it. The next scene he witnesses flutters his heart fading the ache he felt away. The friendship of the three was too beautiful to not admire.

 

Back hugging Baekhyun, Junmyeon sways the other like a mother does to her child. Cuddling him in ways that Chanyeol could not help but smile at; tickling him and showering him with kisses that Baekhyun could not do anything but laugh to. Kyungsoo too was pulled in in their playful fight, Junmyeon flicking his forehead playfully at something funny he had said. Their laughter resonates all throughout the penthouse, overpowering the sounds of the rain.

 

With a fond smile, Chanyeol chooses to leave them be. He has all the time tonight to shower Baekhyun with the love of his own, for now, letting his friends fill his once empty lonely penthouse with the absolute warmth of their loving friendship.

 

 

 

♠♠♠

 

 

Early into the night, the penthouse returns to its peaceful quiet state. Only the sounds of the strong rain still in the background for it had not stopped since. Junmyeon and Kyungsoo have left for a while now; leaving when both, especially Junmyeon, were sure that Baekhyun was okay on his own in the care of Chanyeol – Junmyeon having checked the condition of his wounds quite a number of times – still too worried of leaving him behind. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo were both amused at this, since it seemed that the only missing request of the older was to actually stay behind just to take care of him, much to Baekhyun’s chagrin but he isn’t complaining.

 

 

For the time being, before Chanyeol prepared for dinner, Baekhyun had asked him to be moved to the couch by his bedroom – Chanyeol refusing him to walk and insisting on carrying him wherever he needed to. And even if he wanted to deny, he couldn’t. He was injured in both feet and walking means putting pressure to the still freshly bandaged wounds.

 

“Chanyeol, I can walk on my own.” Baekhyun kept refusing him whose arms were already on the verge of carrying him.

 

“Junmyeon specifically told me to not let you put pressure on your feet, Baek. Walking means just that.”

Chanyeol lifts him up with an arm around his back and the other under his knees, and Baekhyun yelps at the abrupt lift of his body.

“And why do you want to be moved in the bedroom? What are you going to do there? I’d prefer you stay in the living room where I can check up on you easily while I’m at the kitchen.” he berates.

 

Giggling, Baekhyun simply circles his arms tight around Chanyeol’s neck, leaving a sloppy kiss to his cheek. “I get to watch the rain more closely. And I can manage myself on my own. I’ll just scream if I need you.. yeh?”

 

“You and your love for rain.”

 

“Are you making fun of me?” Baekhyun slaps his chest, scratching his nape at the same time – all in a playful manner.

 

Before Chanyeol gently lays him down the couch, he stops to look down at Baekhyun first.

“Nope..” a peck on his lips “just simply” another peck “amused.” and another sloppy kiss.

 

For every kiss Chanyeol gives him in between the words and phrases, Baekhyun lets out in peals of laughter, swaying his legs playfully as a request to put him down.

 

Once Baekhyun is seated on the couch, Chanyeol wraps him up with a blanket, aware of the coldness in the room. He also gives him his big doll lookalike to keep him company that Baekhyun delightedly took hold of; smiling at him with his pretty eye smile that had Chanyeol swooping down for another kiss, this time, longer than the previous pecks of kisses.

 

“I’ll just prepare dinner.” Chanyeol tells him as he makes his way out of the bedroom. “And no walking.” He said with a serious expression that had Baekhyun giggling before leaving the door wide open.

 

 

Silently and at peace, Baekhyun watches the rain. Its sounds calming him like it usually does. And, along with the sounds of rain, the muffled sounds of the TV in high volume, yet low enough for his calls to be heard, in the living room joined in in the background. Chanyeol probably did not want to leave things too quiet.

 

This time, he doesn’t think of anything, mind simply blank as he watched the blurred hazy scenery outside. He smiles at the sight. A faint smile but nonetheless genuine of the little happiness that is slowly overshadowing the pain and sadness.

 

Due to the penthouse being at the topmost floor of the building, 59 floors above the ground, with the full-length windows occupying the whole one side of the bedroom as if a substitute to a nonexistent wall – Baekhyun is able to see the vast city. The sky is wide and the horizon barely visible within the strong pouring rain.

 

As he watches lightning strike in different places in the sky, the sounds of thunder rolling in deep not a few seconds later, Baekhyun listens to the sounds of Chanyeol preparing dinner in the kitchen; faint, but loud enough to lighten his heavy heart.

 

All throughout, even if alone, Baekhyun refuses to neither muse nor contemplate of his life. Instead, he chooses to bask in the homey air of Chanyeol’s penthouse with the lingering feeling of his kisses. Replaying the still fresh delighted memory of the playful time he had with both Junmyeon and Kyungsoo just earlier. Surrounding himself and his thoughts of the warm loving care they both showered.

 

The events of earlier, the panic, the mental breakdown, the hurt, the pain – all pushed aside to a dark corner in his mind. Admitting his worthlessness to himself but continuously denying the need to tell the truth. Not today, not now. Let him be happy. He knows it’s temporary, so let him be.

 

 

 

On the other hand, by the kitchen, Chanyeol prepares dinner with a cluttered mind.

He had already begun getting rid of Yejin’s traces that lightened his heart for a while. But then the earlier painful event of Baekhyun and broken glass happened, and he felt weighed once again. He is meeting Yejin tomorrow, and he still hasn’t told Baekhyun about it. He had plans on telling him tonight but after what had happened, the pain he saw in Baekhyun, he couldn’t.

 

Chanyeol nearly chopped his finger while chopping some vegetables, mind too preoccupied of decisions he had to make.

Truthfully, he felt afraid. How Baekhyun would react once he tells him he is meeting his ex-girlfriend for a talk that was long overdue. He contemplated of keeping it from him, but Junmyeon was right, he shouldn’t. He knew how much it hurts for someone you love and trusts lie to you, hide from you. Experienced it firsthand one too many times, and to do it to Baekhyun? No.

 

Suddenly flinching over the hot pot he accidently touched, Chanyeol yelps in pain. He blows on his burned fingers and absently cools it through running water by the sink.

Telling Baekhyun should not be a problem, right? He is not doing anything that would betray his lover. Anything that would break the commitment he had promised Baekhyun just a day ago. All he is doing is simply meeting Yejin for a one-on-one talk that he had wanted so long ago. Something he knew he needed to finally let go and fully move on. Because he is going to love Baekhyun with all the love

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exocholic
[Ubuntu] Hello! Just to let everyone know, a little update on the last chapter, it's already on the works! It looks like it's going to be a very long chapter though. So I may have to see if I'll update with what I currently have or just the whole last chapter in one go. But finally getting there! 😭

Comments

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MyLipsOnEXOs
#1
This fic is definitely the perfect one for winter. If anyone scrolls the comments they’ll see how often I reread this! At this point I would buy a physical copy of it.
Maya1990
#2
Chapter 95: When I saw in the title that it's in permanent huatus I went to the last ch to see where did it stopped and I swear to god I cried .... the pain I felt was REAL, the last 1000 words broke my heart 💔 now I want to read the whole thing knowing very well it will get me depressed
JuliaByun #3
Chapter 95: August 2023 and I still long for this story 🥹 I keep coming back because it demands my attention. I hope you’re doing great and well authornim ❤️❤️
walkinginmoonlight #4
Chapter 95: Ahh sometimes I get reminded of this fic and just how like, lovely it is? It's been years since I've last reread it, but I still remember it fondly, gosh the times when it had just started I still clearly remember. I was just reminded of aff being a thing today and had to try and remember my login.. I cannot remember if I commented on this chapter already but! Even if it's not the complete end, it's half of the end, so we've come pretty far since the beginning 😊 I know updates went from quick to rather slow, but seeing it's been awhile I got a bit worried so checked your twitter, and it's nice to see you're still doing well! Or, seemingly doing well. That you're still around and still enjoying our EXOs~❤️ so I hope you are doing well! And thank you for the very memorable fic 😊
MyLipsOnEXOs
#5
I've lost count of which rereading this is but this shall definitely always be my comfort fic. Whether it's the writing style or the details or the flow or the characters or maybe all of that together, there's just something that has me always coming back.

I read this for the first time in 2018, 5 years later it still holds a special place in my heart. I usually avoid starting new fics that haven't been updated recently, but just like my very first comment on this fic "It's on permanent hiatus but the foreword has me entranced so I will read it", the story is truly entrancing and gosh I'm grateful I read it!
Exofanland #6
Chapter 95: had to reread the last few chap bc its been so long and yes i am still crying my eyes out.
dreaming777
#7
Chapter 95: Hi there, I've left my aff account for so long an happy to see this update!!!! And truthfully I didn't expect I would still bawled my eyes out 😭
uwuness
#8
i keep coming back here just to check if authornim's have an update but no rush authornim, i can still wait :)))))) i'll reread this again because i'm missing this so much~

take care always~
uwuness
#9
i miss this so much 😭
hearteututu #10
Chapter 95: I’m back after many years and this made me cry so much. I really love this story and can still remember every scene vividly. Tysm for this wonderful and heartfelt chapter 💕