fifty-one

I am because we are (Ubuntu) [Permanent Hiatus]
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!! ► Friendly reminder: As I have said before the holiday chapters began, Christmas is loosely based from where I am from. One part (or prolly half this chapter) will be heavily based on a custom I have grown up in. So in advance, I apologize if it’s hard to relate to or give discomfort, but I give no excuses. Still though, I hope you enjoy; if not, then…… eh~ //prances around/  ||  You may skip though if you wish, just be alerted of this symbol ‘»»»’ (but you’ll be skipping it till the end, just a warning :) )

► Also, it would be nice if you listen to these Christmas songs as I listened to them while writing – O' Holy Night; Still. But if not, that’s okay too lol

Word Count: 6217

 

 

Left alone to his thoughts, Chanyeol stands idle in the middle of the living room – the room that held important traces of his past. The only obvious traces of Yejin’s existence in his life were their pictures – only two on display while the rest are kept hidden.

 

The picture frame that held their photo in the living room was taken on the day of their third anniversary. Chanyeol picks it up and thumbs sadly the picture behind the glass frame. With a sense of nostalgia, he remembers the day it was taken.

 

“Chanyeol! Picture please?”

 

“C’mon Yejin, we can do that later. We’re going to be late for the movie.”

 

“Come on Chanyeol~ it only takes a few seconds to take a picture. Now come!”

 

Feigning annoyance but was truthfully not bothered, Chanyeol huffs as he puts an arm around her.

 

The first photo they took annoyed Yejin causing her to frown – she was smiling while Chanyeol on the other hand, had a blank face. Upon seeing the picture, Chanyeol couldn’t help but burst out in laughter; stealing the camera from her only to ask a stranger a favor of taking their photo.

 

The second photo was perfect – both with smiles on showing just how happy they were.

 

“Happy anniversary Yeol~” She thanks him with a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for today.”

 

“Of course, we’ll have next year, and the year after that, and the year after that… and the year after that.” Chanyeol gives Yejin a noisy peck on the lips that elicits laughter from her. “And many many more years after that~”

 

 

The memory had Chanyeol laughing quietly and bitterly. Because the line ‘and the year after that’ never came.

 

Still holding the photo, Chanyeol stands in front of the empty white wall. He taps it with his knuckles; chuckling at how both ironic but perfect the wall describes his life at the moment.

White, empty, clean, and no trace of dirt – a past hope of Yejin returning into his arms to fulfil the promise of filling up the walls with new memories; to start anew.

White, empty, clean, and no trace of dirt – a silent telling of keeping the past, the dirt away to be able to start fresh – a clean slate; to fill it with new beautiful memories with someone else… with Byun Baekhyun.

 

 

Going back to the console table, Chanyeol places back his picture with Yejin, this time, however, hidden inside the drawer. He is then distracted by the family picture and with sudden pained anger, the photo too is placed hidden along with the other – the sight of his mother bringing back painful memories and the immense betrayal he once felt that he’d rather not dwell on at the moment.

 

Sighing heavily, Chanyeol looks around the room, looking for the other traces of his past.

 

By the coffee table were two medium sized, tall in height glass bottles sealed with a cork. Inside were two beautifully preserved flowers. It was placed not on the center but near the end of one side and surrounded by white scented candles. The decoration seemed meaningless; to people who did not know, it was simply just that – a pretty decoration. So it was understandable that Baekhyun barely even took notice.

 

Sitting down in front of the two glass bottles, Chanyeol looks at it sentimentally. It was a gift from Yejin – the last gift he ever received from her before he found out her secrets, her lies not long later.

 

He picks up one bottle – three lovely purple flowers with its stems inside. And remembers the day he received them on the same day one year ago.

 

“What’s this?” Chanyeol eyes the two bottles Yejin gave him, turning around in his hold one of them.

 

“My gift? Why? You don’t like it?”

 

“No, just… what am I supposed to do with it?”

 

“Idiot, you display it. Like I don’t know… place it somewhere in your penthouse? Like the kitchen? The dining? Living room?”

 

“Do these mean anything? Don’t flowers mean something?” Chanyeol gives her a knowing look, pointing playfully the tip of the bottle toward her. “This means something eeiii~”

 

“I don’t know? I honestly just bought them because they’re pretty.” Yejin answers calmly with a raise of eyebrows. When Chanyeol’s playful smirk doesn’t fade away, she snorts in amusement. “Let it go Yeol, it’s just flowers. Or maybe you could pretend it means love… you know?”

 

“Riiigggghhht~ Love.” Chanyeol wraps an arm around her, playfully giving her a noogie as they both erupt in laughter. “I love you too if that’s what you’re saying.”

 

Needless to say, Chanyeol forgot all about the flowers and never bothered to search for their meanings.

 

The flowers currently in Chanyeol’s hold were purple Hyacinths, a flower commonly used to symbolize regret. The other glass bottle held one white Tulip, a flower that symbolizes asking for forgiveness.

If the housekeeper never pointed out the meaning of the flowers one day randomly two months after his break up, Chanyeol would have never known. It left him feeling even more betrayed and more regret after. Apparently, it was Yejin’s silent apology and telling him of her hidden feelings back then. And regrettably, he pushed that away and found out too late. A foreshadowing detail he brushed off.

 

 

The next thing he notices was the red carpet under his feet, adorning beautifully the wooden floors. To others, it was nothing but a plain red carpet that is part of the penthouse’s modern interior. But to Chanyeol, it was a gift from Yejin’s mother. A gift he received a year after he has moved to this penthouse of his years ago. Given on the day he remembers Yejin’s mother telling him of her grand plans for their sure wedding in the future.

 

“Chanyeol honey, how is my future son in law doing?”

 

Chanyeol laughs at how Mrs. Han addresses him – always feeling giddy over her obvious approval of their relationship; proud of himself and excited of a future.

“I’m doing good auntie.”

 

“Good good. I can’t wait till you and Yejin get married. I’m going to make sure everything’s going to be perfect and grand and just extravagant.” She gestures widely with her hands, voice laced with obvious excitement. “And how many times do I have to tell you to just refer to me as your mother; you’ll be part of the family one day anyway.

 

“Please auntie. I’m still attending school, that’s still too far in the future.”

 

“Oh shush boy. I’d wed you immediately after you graduate. Your mother and I can’t wait.” She pats his face affectionately.

 

 

♠♠♠

 

 

“Why is auntie giving me a red carpet?”

 

“Sheesh Chanyeol, it’s a housewarming gift. Besides, I like it.”

 

“I moved like… a year ago Yejin.”

 

“Don’t you like it? It matches your black leather interior.”

 

“Yeah but-”

 

“Stop.” Yejin puts a finger on Chanyeol’s lips shutting him up of further protests. “You could treat this as an excuse for me to come over. I know you; you hate people invading your privacy… even your own girlfriend. It’s been a year and you have yet to invite me to your pent, you know? Are you still going to push me after we get married?”

 

All Chanyeol replies with is a laugh; pushing away thoughts of the future not wanting to deal with it at the moment – too early for such plans.

 

 

When Chanyeol looks back at the past, he realized he had been brushing off the surety laced in their voices. He had always noticed it; he wasn’t too ignorant to miss it. That every time they brought up the future between him and Yejin’s, they always sounded so sure they would end up together. But he never once took it seriously, always thought that maybe.. they were just too happy of their relationship that a future between the two was elating to think about. And then he finds out the truth; that all this time, all along, they knew. They were certain because a future has already been set out – without his consent.

 

 

Putting the glass bottle back in its place, Chanyeol leaves the living room feeling pained nostalgia over the sentimental things around him. He walks out of the room to escape it, only to enter his bedroom where Baekhyun was sound asleep.

 

To his annoyance, his bedroom too held traces of his past. The clock on the wall above his bed, different ornaments and figurines scattered around in display, picture frames with different typographical quotes. All random gifts from Yejin all throughout the four years they were together. All of it angering him greatly because at the center of it all, on his bed in the middle of the room, was Baekhyun who knew nothing.

It was ironic; that despite Yejin having gone to his place only a handful of times and all unwillingly on his end, his place was surrounded by her. And Baekhyun, who he, without second thoughts, brought to his place, had no trace of his existence in his life.

 

Anger, pain, and immense heartache bubbling inside him, Chanyeol walks over to his side of the bed, taking hold of the picture frame that was turned down at the end table; remembering the time Baekhyun eyed the photo with hurt in his eyes.

He was angry at himself. Angry that all this time, even after he had let Baekhyun into his life, after he had solemnly confessed to him his own feelings – without meaning to, he surrounded him with his past. It was a good thing that all Baekhyun knew about were the pictures. But nonetheless, it felt like he had betrayed him by surrounding Baekhyun with traces of Yejin that by now, he should have long let go of.

 

 

For a moment, he watches Baekhyun in his sleep – sitting down by his side of the bed only to reach across to tuck in a stray hair behind his ear. Trickles of pain shot through his chest as he watched Baekhyun’s expression turn troubled every other second, like he was having some kind of bad dream. Reminded of what his sister told him – the hurt in his eyes that he did not see.

 

After hiding the photo in his drawer, finally deciding it was time to end things, and with one last look at Baekhyun – Chanyeol dials a phone number he has long deleted but still memorized by heart.

 

 

 

 

♠♠♠

 

 

Baekhyun?

 

Baekhyun wake up? We’re leaving soon.

 

Gentle whispers in his ear woke Baekhyun from his slumber. Upon opening his eyes, he was greeted by Eggyeol lying beside him. Still half asleep, as if an automatic reaction, his hand caresses the doll’s face and then pulls it over to him for an embrace – an act that had Chanyeol smiling widely. A sweet kiss on his cheek further wakes him up as Chanyeol’s loving smile greets him when he turns around.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Yeol?” Baekhyun rubs his eyes sleepily that had Chanyeol quirking his lips in amusement.

 

“Hey Baek. Wake up?” He wipes the traces of drool that trailed down Baekhyun’s chin; lips a tight smile trying to contain himself from cooing.

 

But instead of what he expected was Baekhyun feeling embarrassed, he was pulled in by the other in an embrace – momentarily sitting up to circle his arms around Chanyeol’s neck to pull him down. Baekhyun was still clearly half-asleep.

 

“Mmnff..”

 

Chuckling, Chanyeol pulls himself up again after some time bringing along Baekhyun. He pats his back affectionately as he continues to wake him. All traces of earlier hurt and anger vanishes and immediately replaced by a warm, fluttery feeling in his chest – cuddly sleepy Baekhyun never fails to melt him.

 

 

 

 

»»»

 

 

The drive to the church they were to attend the Christmas Eve mass at was apparently over an hour away from the penthouse, all the more due to the traffic they had to face. The sky was dark and void of stars as finally, light rain pours down. Despite having slept for a few hours, Baekhyun still felt sleepy. The rain’s peaceful sound of pitter-patter at the windows does not help as it calms himself to another tempted slumber. But on the other hand, surrounds Chanyeol of a calming atmosphere to drive in despite heavy traffic and past musings.

 

 

Baekhyun sits listless in the passenger’s seat, watching his surroundings pass by in a blur. He smiles to himself, seeing that everywhere he looked were Christmas decorations scattered in different forms and sizes, over establishments and billboards and just about anything they pass in – a contrary to the gloomy weather of rain.

 

Every year, Baekhyun never fails to attend Christmas Eve mass. Having grown up under his grandmother’s care, he has been taught that attending such was an important tradition to complete the celebration of Christmas. But after she had died, his feelings over it had gone as well. Ever since then, he had attended the mass blank and only out of custom – its meaning gone.

 

Driving through the wide main road, the sky clear and wide of any tall buildings; Baekhyun watches as lightning strikes from time to time. It seems Eve this year was a rainy one. His smile then falters as he remembers how it was like last year.

 

Christmas Eve last year had a clear sky and a beautiful weather. But despite that, he remembers regretting attending mass. Not because of the mass itself, but rather the atmosphere he was surrounded with. He was surrounded by families and/or friends left and right and everywhere he looked. If there was a lone soul like him, they were outnumbered by the rest who had companions. He never thought that sitting in the middle would cause him pain due to the envy he could not help but feel over the interactions around him.

When Baekhyun looked to his right, a family of four sat quietly; to his left was a family of five, one of them a toddler who was quietly playing around. Looking up front were other different families in different numbers. One of them was pretty big a

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exocholic
[Ubuntu] Hello! Just to let everyone know, a little update on the last chapter, it's already on the works! It looks like it's going to be a very long chapter though. So I may have to see if I'll update with what I currently have or just the whole last chapter in one go. But finally getting there! 😭

Comments

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MyLipsOnEXOs
#1
This fic is definitely the perfect one for winter. If anyone scrolls the comments they’ll see how often I reread this! At this point I would buy a physical copy of it.
Maya1990
#2
Chapter 95: When I saw in the title that it's in permanent huatus I went to the last ch to see where did it stopped and I swear to god I cried .... the pain I felt was REAL, the last 1000 words broke my heart 💔 now I want to read the whole thing knowing very well it will get me depressed
JuliaByun #3
Chapter 95: August 2023 and I still long for this story 🥹 I keep coming back because it demands my attention. I hope you’re doing great and well authornim ❤️❤️
walkinginmoonlight #4
Chapter 95: Ahh sometimes I get reminded of this fic and just how like, lovely it is? It's been years since I've last reread it, but I still remember it fondly, gosh the times when it had just started I still clearly remember. I was just reminded of aff being a thing today and had to try and remember my login.. I cannot remember if I commented on this chapter already but! Even if it's not the complete end, it's half of the end, so we've come pretty far since the beginning 😊 I know updates went from quick to rather slow, but seeing it's been awhile I got a bit worried so checked your twitter, and it's nice to see you're still doing well! Or, seemingly doing well. That you're still around and still enjoying our EXOs~❤️ so I hope you are doing well! And thank you for the very memorable fic 😊
MyLipsOnEXOs
#5
I've lost count of which rereading this is but this shall definitely always be my comfort fic. Whether it's the writing style or the details or the flow or the characters or maybe all of that together, there's just something that has me always coming back.

I read this for the first time in 2018, 5 years later it still holds a special place in my heart. I usually avoid starting new fics that haven't been updated recently, but just like my very first comment on this fic "It's on permanent hiatus but the foreword has me entranced so I will read it", the story is truly entrancing and gosh I'm grateful I read it!
Exofanland #6
Chapter 95: had to reread the last few chap bc its been so long and yes i am still crying my eyes out.
dreaming777
#7
Chapter 95: Hi there, I've left my aff account for so long an happy to see this update!!!! And truthfully I didn't expect I would still bawled my eyes out 😭
uwuness
#8
i keep coming back here just to check if authornim's have an update but no rush authornim, i can still wait :)))))) i'll reread this again because i'm missing this so much~

take care always~
uwuness
#9
i miss this so much 😭
hearteututu #10
Chapter 95: I’m back after many years and this made me cry so much. I really love this story and can still remember every scene vividly. Tysm for this wonderful and heartfelt chapter 💕