IX

2 0 1 0

The music stopped the same second the lights were turned off and there immediately was loud cheering filling his ears. Sapphire-blue dots appeared in the dark, thousands of them, but Donghae didn’t have the time to cherish how breathtaking it was to be surrounded by them.

He rushed backstage, knew the way by heart even though he couldn’t see anything and didn’t bump into someone else. Stripping himself from the shirt he was wearing he reached the dressing room where he was immediately surrounded by a bunch of make-up and coordi-noonas who made sure that his hair and everything else was good enough to go on stage again soon. Donghae felt the gaze of a certain someone on his back while he changed his clothes; this was something he was almost used to by now. He didn’t return it however, didn’t look at him the way he wanted to and only sent him a small smile as he turned around a minute later.

More than six months had passed since Eunhyuk had told him that they couldn’t be more than friends and in those months Donghae had gone through hell. He had tried his best, had kept himself off Eunhyuk when they dared to come too close to each other again and had avoided waking him up or sharing a room with him ever since. It wasn’t like they didn’t like each other anymore; they were still closer with each other than they were with any other member, but Donghae kept his distance. He would leave the room when Eunhyuk called Soojin or she showed up at the dorms and acted like he was completely fine with it when the other talked about her sometimes.

Inwardly he simply hated the fact that she was still the woman in Eunhyuk's life, that they were still together even though Eunhyuk wasn’t a friend of long lasting relationships. Since Donghae had never stopped, he was still head over heels for him even if he had to swallow his feelings down and to keep them inside. On stage they managed to keep doing their fan service without making anyone notice a thing and at the dorms they acted unsuspiciously enough to not make the other members notice what had happened between them. It had gone well for a long time – and that was basically thanks to Donghae's will to hold himself back. And he really had to, but not because his feelings were so overwhelming.

It was Eunhyuk.

The first few weeks and maybe even months the elder had kept his composure, but that façade had started crumbling a long time ago. He was the one who wanted them to spend time together even though Donghae had sworn to himself that he would only do it when the other would ask him to, he was the one who kept looking at him, the one who kept touching him even when it wasn’t necessary. Things would've turned out like they had been before if Donghae would've given in during all those situations in which Eunhyuk had practically searched for his closeness when they had been alone and he had stopped counting them months ago. But Donghae didn’t give in, simply because he wanted the best for Eunhyuk and keeping their distance was the best, the other had said it himself. Donghae didn’t want to see that fear in the other's eyes again because Eunhyuk didn’t understand what he was doing and apparently he didn’t notice what he started doing again. It was dangerous – and Donghae had the might in his hands.

After changing into his new stage outfit, Donghae rushed back to the main stage where some of the other members also waited for the current song to end. It was dark where he stood and the attention of the people around him was directed to the screens that showed what happened on stage. It was one of those moments when nobody would notice what they were doing – and Eunhyuk once again lost control.               
Donghae could've sworn that the other would do something and he really did; hands found their way to his sides from behind, slowly travelled to his waist. He felt Eunhyuk coming closer, so much that he felt the warmth of the other's body on his back. Donghae had stopped tensing up in moments like those as he had done it at the beginning. He had liked it all the way, now he even enjoyed it a bit, even though he didn’t do anything to express that. They would never talk about what happened when the raven head didn’t think and so Eunhyuk had the freedom to do whatever he wanted; Donghae wouldn’t respond to his touches, wouldn’t stop him as long as he didn’t go too far and so the elder could keep pretending to himself that nothing had happened at all.

If he would be true to himself, Eunhyuk wouldn’t do what he did in that moment. He was giving Donghae hope, hope that hurt and hope he actually didn’t want to give him. But who was Donghae to make him stop? No matter how much it hurt – he still liked it and he still wanted to feel his touches. And as long as he kept all of this to himself, he could at least be close to him.

The hands on his sides slowly travelled underneath his shirt and not much later he felt warm thumbs over his skin. Donghae kept looking ahead without seeing, kept his face straight even though his heart skipped beat over beat. Whenever Eunhyuk did something like this, he didn’t dare to speak or move. The other was easy to scare like this; one word or one touch and his worries would kick in again. That's why Donghae mutely enjoyed those little moments when it was his heart that made Eunhyuk act and not his brain.

As the music ended, Donghae started walking towards the stage. The other's hands kept resting on his waist, only slowly slipped off his skin like they wanted to hold onto him for much longer. To Donghae it wasn’t a big secret that they really did.

***

"I know… Hm… I miss you too."

Donghae dropped his gaze. He was sitting on his hotel bed and currently found the fabric on his crossed legs more interesting than anything, despite all the chattering around him. Eunhyuk had come to his room just like some of the other members had done it some time ago and now stood in one corner with his phone pressed against his ear. His voice was hushed and almost inaudible between all those voices around him, but Donghae still heard every word. It was obvious who the elder was talking with; there was only one person he would call with every day, no matter if they had seen each other or not. Eunhyuk always had this gentleness in his voice whenever he spoke with Soojin or about her and the soft smile on his lips made Donghae want to puke. It was tugging on his lips in that moment as well; Donghae could see it in the other's reflection in the window.

Soojin was a nice girl, there was no doubt about it. She was pretty, well-behaved and very friendly; it was hard to not like her. The other members were really fond of her and when she visited the dorms they even behaved well just to impress her. Eunhyuk had made a very good catch with her and as far as Donghae knew, Eunhyuk's parents liked her as well. She most likely was the best girl that could've ever crossed his path and he carried her on his hands, no matter what she asked him to do.

But she wasn’t the one for him, she wasn’t his perfect match – at least not in Donghae's eyes. The brunet was good in hiding what he really thought of her, maybe because she tried so hard to be especially nice to him. He was her boyfriend's best friend after all so it was no wonder. And it wasn’t like Donghae had something against personally her; it was the position she was in. He didn’t like her as Eunhyuk's girlfriend, he didn’t like the fact that she was showered with the other's affection, that he said things to her that Eunhyuk would never say to him. It didn’t matter who she was; Donghae didn’t like any girl on Eunhyuk's side and yes, he was jealous. He envied her for getting the love he yearned for.

His eyes were glued to Eunhyuk's back and he didn’t know if he should be glad about the fact that the other always tried to not rub it into Donghae's face that he was in a relationship with someone else. When it was just the both of them he would never say a word about her and Donghae knew that out of respect to him, Eunhyuk would've left the room to talk to her in private like he mostly did it. But they were in a hotel and Donghae didn’t know where the other's room was. Apart from that he tried to tell himself that he didn’t mind hearing it. He was just as good in lying to himself as Eunhyuk was.

An arm was wrapped around his shoulders suddenly and his only mildly surprised look was answered with Siwon's laughing face; it looked like he had missed another of Shindong's jokes that were badly needed in times like these. Han Geng had left – and since that day it had gotten harder to see the members laugh like they had used to do it. Especially Heechul was a mess and there were times when there was no one he wanted to see for days. He didn’t talk to them and there was barely any way to cheer him up, but that was no wonder. Han Geng and him had been very close and even though they all knew that he had done the right thing, he still had been ripped out of their group. It had already been hard when Kibum had told them about his future plans, now it was even hard