Read this chapter with feelings please. :)

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Chapter 19: Business is about Gamble. Love is about?

Trust. Loyalty. Communication.

The three elements of love.

One is connected to each other. When one fails, the rest follows. We could all say that. But we are al missing something in this triangle.

Courage.

We could all say that constant communication would help build trust and loyalty but without courage, it just won’t work.

You need courage for communication. Openness requires courage. Trust requires courage. You can never bring yourself to trust a person without the courage in yourself.

L.Joe said that love is like business. We won’t gain if we don’t gamble. But how do we gamble without the courage? Simple logic. Without courage, we won’t gain. Without courage, we can’t love.

For the past 5 years, this is what I didn’t have. Courage.

I left all the problems behind. I left all the complications behind.

“Do you want to make the same mistake again?”

L.Joe’s words are lingering in my head as I feel his lips on mine. He’s kissing me passionately. His eyes are closed while I am blinking at him.

I didn’t want to think of the past already. I’m okay with what I have now. I’m okay with Woo Jiho making me feel loved again.

But do I really want this?

Do I really want to leave things as they are and not fix them the right way?

I felt L.Joe’s hand run from my spine to the back of my neck and he deepened the kiss. This time, I think I’ve lost all my energy.

My eyes closed and I felt my lips moving with his in rhythm. I don’t know what’s happening to me. My systems are shutting down. All I know is there’s me and there’s L.Joe. We’re so close and we’re kissing. I can’t think of anything else.

He suddenly broke the kiss and hugged me tight. “You want me.” He spoke. He’s almost out of breath. And his heart is beating fast.

I guess he is hugging me too tight that I could feel his heartbeat on my chest. Could he possibly feel that my heart is beating fast and stopping and beating fast again?

“I can feel it, Hana. When will you stop fooling yourself?” He asked me then he cupped my cheeks and made me look at him.

I stared at his eyes and all I can see is his happiness. His eyes are sparkling. It’s like he’d waited for this moment to happen.

“Let’s start again, okay?” He told me then he caressed my cheeks.

I looked down. “But-“

“What’s making you hesitate right now? I’m not dating your best friend anymore. And I told you that I would break up with Namjoo.” L.Joe spoke. “What’s making you back down again? Is it Jiho? If you’re worried about him, and even about Namjoo, I’ll handle those stuffs. I’ll talk to them.”

I swallowed and held his hand that’s on my cheek. “I don’t know.” I replied. “Can we make it? Can we last? Can we not hurt? All these questions are in my mind, Byunghun.” I looked at him. “But the thing that stands out the most is the fact that I am starting again. And it’s not with you. I’m getting over you.”

“Are those questions in your head not present when you’re with Jiho?” He asked me. “Is your head really clear when you are with him? Don’t you even think of the possibilities of us? Don’t you even think about doing those things with me?” He exasperated.

“You were with Jiho, Hana. He had you first. I’m just someone who passed by who fell for you. I know all of those.” He stared at me. His eyes are b with tears. “But you know what made me stay? You know what’s making me fight for us?” He asked as his tears fell. “It’s the fact that you looked at me even during the times that you were with him. You fell for me.”

I watched him cry in front of me. His heart is in the open.

Do I accept it?

Should I step on it?

“That’s all I’m holding on to. I don’t have a lot of memories with you. I didn’t even get to kiss you. Nor even hug you tight. I just got to eat with you out once. I was with you in Lotte World but you were not my date. I only have those nights that I stare at you when you’re asleep. I only have those days that I bicker with you in the kitchen. Nothing special at all.” He sobbed. “So what do you think is the reason for me to be holding on to you like this?”

This time, all the moments he had with me in the past came back. All of those times that we played around the house. All those moments that I glared at him and he just laughed at me. All those moments that he watched me finish those student council works.

I cried even more.

“In all honesty, technically, I don’t have the right to fight for you. I don’t have the reason to be like this.” He told me. “But can you blame me if your mere less-than-a-second glance gives me hope? Can you blame me if your mere stammering when I’m near you makes me happy because I feel that I still have that effect on you?”

“I’m holding on to the tiniest bit of hope I can grasp, Hana. I’m holding on to the littlest possibility that you would be mine again.” He continued.

“I love you.” He breathed. “I’m holding on to my feelings, Hana. To my subjective and opinionated feelings. I’m betting on everything I have now. I’m betting on my dignity, on my own sanity, on my whole being.” He held me tight. “Because everything would be useless without you. Because my whole life would be a waste without you. You are the light in my darkness. You are the answer to my confusion. You are the only hope in the land of hopelessness.”

Why can’t I tell him the words he wants to hear from me?

What’s keeping me from telling me that I want us back too?

What’s making me run away again when he had told me everything that I’ve been waiting to hear from him? He even exceeded everything I want to hear.

But why am I like this again? Why am I starting to back down again?

“I won’t ask you to answer me now, Hana.” He spoke. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from our past, it’s to wait for you until you’re ready.” He caressed my cheeks and closed his eyes. “I’m just going to deal with all the complications right now. So that everything will be in place. So that you would be mine without any anxiety.”

“I want to show you that I’ve changed. I’ve gotten more mature. I’ve gotten man enough.” He planted a kiss on my forehead. “But I still love you. With everything I have. With everything I am.”

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I walked to the dinner with a heavy heart. L.Joe’s monologue just a few hours ago can’t get out of my head.

I should feel happy that he confessed to me. I should feel happy that he’s going to change and he’s going to make me believe that he is the one for me.

But why do I feel confused? Why do I feel burdened?

“Hana, meet Mr. Song, our investor.” Mom came to me with a man. He’s smiling really wide.

I smiled at him, or at least tried to, then shook his hand. “Nice meeting you, Mr. Song.” I replied.

“Nice meeting you too.” He told me then we went to talk about the future projects that he wants to build for the company.

Actually, it was him and Mom and Dad who are talking to him. I lost them after Mr. Song’s ‘Nice meeting you too.’

Yes, my mind is really all over the place.

The dinner went on and I felt like anytime soon, I’m going to die of boredom. I just stared at my food and sometimes, I would nod at them and smile like I understand what they are talking about but in fact, I don’t. Not even one bit.

My mind is all over Jiho then to L.Joe then to Jiho again.

What have I done with my life?

Why has God given me two boys who tell me that they love me when I only need one who would constantly be there for me?

Why has God given me two boys who are making me confused right now?

One’s a man who gives me hope.

The other breaks me and makes me whole at the same time.

How does God think would I handle this situation?

“How do you think of the proposition of Mr. Song, Hana?”

I was brought back to my senses when I heard Dad ask me.

I looked at him then to Mr. Song and smiled. “I think it’s a good idea.” I replied with the safest answer I have in mind.

They all smiled at me. “You think so?” Mr. Song asked me.

I nodded.

Mr. Song chuckled at me. “See, I always knew your daughter is a woman who knows how to gamble to gain.” He told my parents.

Mom and Dad smiled at me widely.

“See, this project is what I have always been keeping track of for about 2 years now. Actually, I stopped for a year. Then I decided to push this through.” Mr. Song said. “It’s something for my wife and my son.”

Suddenly, I had the urge to listen to him.

He seemed sad to be talking about his family. I wonder why. Maybe they have talked about it when I wasn’t listening.

“You have a wife?” Mom asked in surprise.

Mr. Song smiled weakly. He seemed sad even with that smile. It was different from the wide smile he gave me when we first met.

“I had.” He replied.

I stopped moving and stared at him, waiting for his next words. What happened to his wife? Divorced?

“But they were involved in an avian accident.” He continued. “They are still not found until now. No one is found in that accident. Many said that it was a form of a terrorist attack. I don’t know. The plane just got lost in the sky and no one tracked them.”

Mom and Dad looked at each other and I looked at Mr. Song. 

“I’ve been waiting for 2 years now. Even if everyone told me that there’s no hope.” Mr. Song spoke and sadness is very evident in his voice. “I have to give up. I know that. But whenever I try to, there’s this part of me that makes me don’t want to give up. There’s this part of me that makes me want to fight for them, for us.”

“One night, I was going over the things in my office. I saw this project again. Then it clicked.” He chuckled. “This project is my hope. This project keeps me going. Because this is the only thing I could hold on to. This is the only thing I have that would remind me of my wife and my son.”

I started to tear up with Mr. Song’s story.

“This Aquarium Project has always been my wife’s dream. She likes the ocean. And so does my son. My son always loved swimming and the sea creatures.” He goes on. “This was the dream project for me. This was supposed to be my gift for them when they get back from their trip. I was about to start this when they got back.” He smiled weakly. “But it never happened. They never came back.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes and took a deep breath. I never knew a successful businessman would have this deep story. I guess, you can never really judge a book by its cover.

“And right now, I want to make a big leap.” He smiled at us. “I want to finish this project.”

“It doesn’t matter if they come back or not. I just want to finish them for them. So that if they ever come back, it would serve as a gift. Or if they are already gone for good, they would look down happily because this would serve as an achievement.”

“This is the last thing I could ever do for them. And I’m holding onto this slightest chance that this will make them happy and that they will come back to me again.” He spoke. “Business is about gamble. But love is about hope. Even the Bible says so.”

Then it hit me.

 “I’m holding on to the tiniest bit of hope I can grasp, Hana. I’m holding on to the littlest possibility that you would be mine again.”

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