Prolouge 

Song that you can listen to before/after/while reading:

316 - 망향 (No way to go home) - Instrumental
숨의숲(Forest of Breath) - 꿈길 (Doze) - Lyrical 

The first conversation Romeo had with Juliet was a sonnet. Juliet left Romeo’s embrace with a new heart, a heart that had begun to beat only for him. Romeo left with Juliet’s touch warm on his skin, with a new existence of which only she was the center. Romeo and Juliet, the epic love story. They had seen each other for mere weeks, loved each other from their first breaths. What most people don’t realize, however, is that Romeo too was a sasaeng fan. Waiting below Juliet’s balcony, fighting his own blood to reach his hand towards her, killing himself at the sight of her pain. We had all done that, back in our day. The only difference between us was that Juliet had dared to accept his heart. Inside of all of us there lived a tiny glimmer of hope, hope that he would be our Romeo, we would be Juliet. As we camped outside their dorm on snowy winter nights, it was their fiery glare that kept us warm. The sight of pearl white snowflakes against their colored hair, their scent of warm coffee, the hope of what we could be- that is what we lived by. It is snowing today. The roses have withered but the chrysanthemums are still holding on, like the few of us who remained while the crowd had long vanished. Like her.  Love is a painful sedative, a chronic condition, eating us up slowly as we build our castles of delusion. Hiding beneath the painful truths of their lives, we had dared to love. 

“Yah! Huang Zi Tao,” His voice was honey, his voice, barely escaping his choked throat. His eyes were swollen and red with sorrow, the ripples in his shirt like the creases in his heart. His strong arms firmly held my waist. I could feel his glow against me. As he spoke, clouds emerged from his mouth. It was cold but a certain warmth stirred inside me. Life was a beautiful thing, it reminded me, the life that was slowly growing inside me, again. “Oh Sehun got married today. That’s why I’m in this stupid suit. I was his best man- because you weren’t there, you bastard.” He was crying, he was laughing. “I saw him, sitting in his waiting room and weeping like a little baby. The idiot tried to postpone his wedding but Taeyeon wouldn’t take any of that crap. It’s been two years since the final contract expired. He just sits at the music store everyday now. Because of that wretched face of his, girls come and buy. Taeyeon still goes on TV. She’s a good girl, that woman, she’ll keep him intact so you don’t worry too much about your baby. Got it?” Huang Zi Tao had died last summer, age 30. It was a death we all saw coming, for six years, we had known. “You idiots!” I screamed, my voice hoarse from the cold. “It’s been a long while. You’re keeping well? I have a baby growing inside me, it hurts sometimes, but it feels real nice. I wanted to thank you. Both of you. For everything, ay? We’re going back to Busan tomorrow. I’ll miss breathing this air of Seoul, this air which we all took in together. You guys be good, understand? It’s too cold now so we’ll go.” Two silver nameplates, two names, one fate, the two of them. They were buried in a secluded area of the graveyard, where chrysanthemums blossomed in the snow. The two of them, side by side, they had never gotten the chance to live.

The first conversation Romeo had with Juliet was a sonnet. They locked eyes and sung words of love to each other, they lost themselves in a moment but found each other. The first conversation she had with him was a monologue. Her words of love they called treacherous. She lived her life behind bars, a packet of ramyeon a day, the cold eating on her bones, the heat boiling her blood, her only strength- him. Comforted only by his song, his sight, she asked herself, what is love? 

You.