“Just because I let you go doesn’t mean I wanted to…”

Dear Diary,

I can now truly understand the pain and sorrow that my parents gone through for all those years raising me up. They love me unconditionally but I pay them back with a huge disappointment. I still remembered the next morning when I went home after that drug incident. The anger in my father’s eyes, the worries on my mother’s face, it was like a knife stabbing into my heart. They kept asking me where did I go and what happened last night but I can only stay quiet and cry.

Going back to school after that incident was not easy. Although nobody knows about it but I knew it, he knew it. I was sitting under the tree, looking pale and tired. Everything that happened last night was still clear in my mind. What have I done? I ruined up everything just because I’m not strong enough to fight with the damn drug inside of me. It was the first time I woke up with a guy beside me that morning. He was still sleeping when I slowly got up of the bed and dressed up. The tiredness on his face was the proof that I had drained him that night. He will be freak out when he find me missing later. But I was too scared to face him.

My eyes were widened in shocked when I saw him running towards the tree where I was sitting. His face looked worried. I thought he will not coming to school that day but he did. I didn’t dare to meet his gaze. I stood up, trying to walk away from him but I was not fast enough. By the time I knew it, I was already in his tight embrace. I let my tears flowed down as I gripped tightly on his shirt, leaning my head on him. He kept saying sorry in my ear. Why did he apologize? It was me who begged him to do it. That was the choice I made because that person was him and I was too weak. But I didn’t know that the consequences that I have to face later were so huge and painful.

Was it my fault? If I’m not that stubborn, if I didn’t hold on to it, if I didn’t insist and if I listen to my parents, will everything be better now? At least there will be one person less to suffer. Am I too selfish? I guess I am. I was only 18 when I first found out I was pregnant, 19 when I was officially became a mother and 21 when the doctor told me about my daughter was diagnosed with thalassemia major.

I was so young back then, barely an adult, far away from home, staying in a foreign place, without anybody by my side. I looked at the baby I was holding in my arms, tears started to well. I can sense myself trembled hard in fear. How am I going to survive? How am I going to take care of my daughter when I don’t even know how to take care of myself? I took out the envelope that she passed to me when she came to check on me. My tears rolled down at the same time when I pulled out the stack of money and a bank book from the envelope. I put it back inside my bag as I took my phone out. I switch on the phone that has been off for a long time. Messages came in one by one. Some were from my parents and some were from my cousin but most of it was from him. ‘Where are you?’, ‘I miss you.’, ‘Please call me back.’, ‘It has been 9 months already. Where are you?’, ‘I’m still waiting.’ My eyes were slowly widened when the last message caught my attention.

‘I’m leaving to UK tomorrow. The flight is at 11pm. I’ll be at the airport early, waiting for you. Please come. Just for the last time. Let me see you for the last time. Please.’

I bit my lip hard but a loud sob was still heard and filled the room. I miss him so much. How I wish I could be more selfish, call him and tell him the truth. But I know I can’t. I promised her and I have to keep my words.     

Just in the blink of an eye, 8 years has passed. I don’t really remember how I manage to survived through those years. A single mother with a sick daughter, it was definitely not easy. But then, he was slowly getting closer to my life again. The suspicious gaze in his eyes, it scares me. I don’t even dare to think of his reaction if he finds out the truth. He said we will meet again very soon. Those words were not a question. It was a warning.

Love,

Shin Hye.

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“What?” Park Shin Hye’s eyes widened in shocked. “The iron level is high? But how can it be possible? She was on medication. Doctor Jin said that medicine was the best way to control her iron level. I didn’t want to go for other sources because those were too suffering for her. I rather pay more for the medicine. Have you check properly? She was alright all these years. And you said everything was alright on that night she was admitted.” Shin Hye asked urgently.

Song Joong Ki looked at her and then at Park So Won who was sitting on her bed looking scared now. “Park Shin Hye-sshi. Please calm down and listen to me.” He took a step closer to her and whispered softly. “You are frightening your daughter if you don’t calm yourself down now.”

Shin Hye turned to So Won and inhaled deeply. He was right. So Won’s face was white and scared. She should have control herself especially in front of her. She then turned back to Joong Ki. “Then what should we do now?” She asked worriedly.

“It’s just slightly higher than her normal rate. Don’t jump to the conclusion yet. We still need to monitor before we can do anything. Continue with her medicine first and come back after 1 week. I’ll be there with her during the next blood transfusion and I’ll monitor it myself. We will check her iron level again at that time.” Joong Ki assured her with a smile. He patted her arm softly before walking towards So Won. He smiled at her and caressed her cheek. “So Won don’t need to worry. Doctor Song is here to take care of you. Just make sure you have good rest when you go back and don’t play or do any tiring activities. We will meet again after 1 week. Okay?”

So Won turned to her mother before looking back at him and nodded. “I will be a good girl and eat my medicine on time.” She paused as she leaned closer to Joong Ki and whispered in his ear. “But can Doctor Song tell my eomma I’ll be fine? If not she will cry again at night after I go to sleep.” So Won looked at him expectantly.

Joong Ki let out a deep sigh before he smiled at her. “Okay. I will tell your eomma that. You can tell me when we meet again next week whether your eomma still cry at night or not. If she still cry, I’ll give her a jab to stop her tears. Okay? I promise.” Joong Ki held out his pinky finger. So Won smiled back at him as she hooked her tiny pinky finger with him.

He walked back to Shin Hye and looked into her eyes. “You heard yourself. Even your daughter is calmer than you. It’s not right to make a little girl to worry about you. I will not let anything happen to your daughter. I promise.” Joong Ki smiled as he held out his pinky finger at Shin Hye too.

Shin Hye gazed down at his finger and let out a soft laugh. “You are using the same trick with the mother and the daughter. You think I’m an 8 years old little girl?”

Joong Ki put his index finger on his lips. “Shhh… I thought the age thing is a secret? He might be somewhere around here.”

She chuckled. “I don’t think that is a secret anymore. I’m sure he already knows about it by now.”

“I swear I didn’t tell him anything.” Joong Ki said with a firm tone, looking serious.

Shin Hye laughed. She knows he was trying to enlighten her mood. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome.” He said as his eyes looked deeper into hers.

Shin Hye felt uneasy with his gaze and quickly looked away. She cleared to break the awkwardness. “I guess I will see you again 1 week later.” She then turned to her daughter. “So Won-ah. Are you done yet? We can go home already.” She walked to her daughter and carried her down of the bed. She brushed So Won’s hair behind her ears and held her hand. “Kaja.”

So Won nodded but just then someone came into the room and caught her attention. She smiled widely as she pulled her hand away from her mother.

“Ahjussi-oppa.” She ran towards Min Ho when she saw him.

“Hi sweetie.” Min Ho squatted down, holding her hands.

“How come you are here? I thought you won’t come today. Doctor Song said I can go home now but I’ll have to come back 1 week later for blood transfusion. He said my blood report got problem.” She said with pouty lips.

“What? Got problem?” Min Ho looked up at Joong Ki. “What problem?”

Joong Ki sighed. “Her iron level increased slightly even though she was already on deferasirox tablet every day. We will test her blood again after her next blood transfusion.”

Min Ho averted his gaze at Shin Hye who looked worried standing there. He let out a silent sigh before turning back at So Won with a smile. “Don’t worry. Everything will be alright. So Won is a strong girl, right. You will kill the iron away like how you killed the fever.” He pinched her nose softly.

So Won nodded. “Will I be seeing you again when I come here next week? I will be…” She asked, looking at him hopefully.

“So Won.” Shin Hye cut her off. She shook her head slightly when her daughter looked at her.

So Won looked down and keep quiet. Min Ho noticed the disappointment on her face. He caressed her cheek, lifted her face up to meet his gaze. He took something out from his wallet and passed it to So Won. It was his name card. “I’m not sure about my schedule yet for next week but most probably I’ll be here. Even if I’m not here, you can always call me when you want to see me. My number is on the card.”

Shin Hye sighed deeply as she bit her lip. She shouldn’t let So Won to get so close to him but it seem like the fate is teasing her again. The hospital is so big, there are so many doctors and patients here but both of them still managed to meet each other.

So Won looked at the card happily as she turned around, with her back facing Min Ho. “Ahjussi-oppa, can you help me to put it inside my bag?” She said as she passed the card to him.

Min Ho laughed softly before taking the card and put it inside the bag for her. His smile slowly faded as he pulled So Won into his arms and hugged her tightly. He closed his eyes, as if trying to savour the moment. “I’ll wait for you call, okay?” He whispered in her ear before he pulled away from her. He gently her hair before he stood up and looked at Shin Hye.

She felt her heart pounding very fast with his gaze piercing through her soul. She quickly looked away and walked to them. “So Won, we got to go now.”

So Won took one last look at Min Ho with her hand waving him goodbye before she followed Shin Hye and stepped out of the room.

“Stop looking. They are gone already.” Joong Ki said as he walked towards Min Ho.

“Are you sure she will be okay? If the iron level couldn’t be controlled, it will affect her liver.” Min Ho asked, still looking outside the room.

“I don’t know yet. We have to wait for next blood transfusion and see is there any reaction or not. If the medicine really couldn’t help her anymore, then we can only go for bone marrow transplantation. But there is no news from the bone marrow banks yet. It’s not easy to find compatible bone marrow.” Joong Ki looked at him. “The way you look at So Won just now, it seems like you are very sure she is your daughter.”

Min Ho turned to him “Not yet. There is still one more thing I need to confirm first.” He sighed before walking towards the door.

“If she is really your daughter, what are you going to do?”

Min Ho stopped his step when he heard Joong Ki’s question.

“Do you still love her mother?” Joong Ki asked again. He doesn’t know why he ask but he just hopes Min Ho would say no.

“At this moment, I just want to find out the truth.” Min Ho said as he walked out of the room.

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So Won was sitting quietly on the two seated couch, looking at her mother who was busy doing her work with her laptop on the small dining table. Her mother has been very quiet since they got back this afternoon. She wasn’t sure why but she think her mother was angry with her.

After a while, Shin Hye couldn’t stand it anymore. Although her eyes were locked at the laptop but she know So Won’s gaze have been following her the whole night. She turned over to So Won and glared at her. “Wae?”

So Won straightened up her body, looking at her mother nervously. “Eomma…” She paused as she played with her own fingers. “Are you angry with So Won?”

Shin Hye sighed. “Why do you think eomma is angry with So Won?” She asked her back.

“Because today I talk to appa? Because appa hugged me? Because I took appa’s name card?” So Won asked again. She really wasn’t sure which one of it makes her mother angry.

Shin Hye sighed again before she walked towards the couch and sit down beside her. “Eomma wasn’t angry. Eomma is just worried.”

“Worried because I’m sick or because of appa? But I was sick since I’m a baby. I was already used to it. And about appa, he doesn’t know I’m his daughter.” So Won said, looking confused.

Shin Hye looked at So Won, unable to say a word. She doesn’t know how to explain to her about the situation was different thi