“I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day…”

Dear Diary,

How long has it been? 9 years… no. To be exact it was 9 years 3 months and 16 days. Was that considered a long time? It was long because it felt like it has been centuries since I last saw her. It wasn’t long too because everything that happened between us, when I look back to those times, as if I could touch it, as if it was yesterday.

Since I was a kid, everyone told me I have a perfect family. My father was a well-known and a top neurologist in South Korea, my mother was a successful anaesthesiologist, my auntie an obstetrician and my sister was a paediatrician too. A whole family full of doctors. Was that considered as perfect? Was it because of the wealth and fame that we owned? Everyone seems to envy and wanted to be me but how many of them know that I wanted to be them too.

I don’t mind to have a pre-arranged career ahead of me because I love to be a doctor too. A doctor could help people and save lives. But how about an arranged girlfriend or worse, an arranged marriage? Everyone told me that we are a match made in heaven. I’m handsome, she is beautiful, we both are smart and also doctors. Most importantly, she is the daughter of a minister. Is that what a marriage was all about? The compatibility solely based on background and outlook. How about feelings? How about love? Do I love her? I don’t know. I felt comfortable being with her or should I say I’m used of having her with me. I have known her since we were 7 years old. She was already very smart and beautiful back then. We went to the same elementary school, middle school, high school and university. And until now I still don’t remember how we got together. Am I the one who confess first? Am I the one who hold her hand first? Or am I the one who kiss her first? I can’t remember. But I know she wasn’t the first girl that I kiss. There was another ‘she’.

She was beautiful, in a way that no one is comparable. Those eyes that can look right into my soul and my heart, those smiles that can capture all my attention and emotion, and those lips that I wanted to kiss on it and freeze the moment forever.

I still remember very clearly the day we first met. She was rushing and I accidentally tripped her. Both of us lost our balance and fell on the floor. She fell right on top of me, with our eyes locked at each other for the first time. It was a beautiful autumn day with red leaves falling on us. I can felt our hearts were pounding fast and hard against our chests. That was when my heart got stolen by her. I smiled yet I felt the pain in my heart every time I think about her. She took my heart away just like that without returning it back to me anymore.

I admit I was greedy. I want more than just a short moment like that. We talked, we smiled, we laughed and she yelled at me. I smiled without fighting back because she was always right. I love to see her angry face and her pouting lips. Her cheeks will turn red in anger but will turn even redder in blush when I get closer. That was her… so cute, so stubborn, so perfect. She loved books. She loved to read any kind of books and she can talk about it for hours. She doesn’t like sports and she told me she hates basketball. I know it was true but it was a lie too. She hates it, yes… but she loves watching me playing it. She said the library was too packed and basketball court was the only choice she has. I laughed silently at her lame excuse. I kept looking at her and I caught her smiling sweetly. She knows she was a big distraction for me when I was playing and yet she chose to be there to distract me. She was always close but yet so far, too far.

As time passed, the feelings got stronger. We convinced ourselves that we were just friends but was it true? We know it wasn’t. She kept reminding me I was someone else boyfriend. We couldn’t hurt her. She was right. We tried to keep our distance, we tried to control ourselves but we didn’t know, we were already controlled by fate.

That day we were having a gym class. Both of us were assigned to take the things back to the store room. I knew the guard will lock the room at that time. I purposely brought her there and find an excuse to make her stay there longer with me. So as planned, we were locked up. I know it was a mistake but that was the only way I could see her, talk to her. I took a step forward; she took few steps backwards, trying to stay as far as she can. I laughed silently. The room was so packed and small, how far can she stay? By the time her back touched the wall, I was already standing right in front of her, with our lips only inch apart. Our eyes were locked as I leaned forward, touched her lips softly with mine. I don’t have any experience but it just happened naturally. Her lips were soft and her sweet scent invaded my senses. I softly on her lower lip and I heard her gasp. Her grip on my sleeves tightened but she didn’t push me away. I don’t remember how long was that kiss last but it was long enough to drive me over the edge. I pulled back before I lose my control completely. We didn’t do anything that day. I was just holding her tightly in my arms, savouring the moment together.        

But not long after that, after that incident… I mean another incident, she disappeared. She promised that she will come that night but she didn’t show up. She just went missing and it seems like she just vanished into thin air. I couldn’t find her anywhere. She just left like that leaving a clueless me, an incomplete me… because she took my heart with her. How cruel.

I know it was unfair to her, my girlfriend or my future wife. But I tried, I really tried. The feeling was just not the same and as strong. Was that the reason why my sister left this home and finds her true love outside? Was that how she felt when she was forced to married a person she doesn’t love at all? I envied her courage. I just wish I could be as strong as her but I guess we were different. She got the courage because she found the person she willing to sacrificed everything for. But for me, that person was already gone.

Love,

Min Ho

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Park Shin Hye was sitting behind her daughter as she was combing her hair. The words that Doctor Song told her this morning was still playing in her mind.

“You already tested your blood and since your bone marrow wasn’t compatible, you should try with your family. How about her father? You should bring her father and his family to test.  Although the chances are low but they might be compatible.”

She let out a deep sigh. She put the comb at the side as she pulled Park So Won into her tight embrace from behind. She buried her face in So Won’s hair, inhaled in her sweet scent.

“You have to be alright and stay with me forever.” She whispered very softly as she tightened her arms.

“Eomma. Your arms are too strong. So Won cannot breathe.” So Won said as she pretend to cough.

Shin Hye laughed as she loosened her arms and stole a kiss on her cheek.

“Eomma, why do I need to go to the hospital so often? I don’t like the nurse poke needle into my hand. It’s very painful. The feeling when the blood goes into my hand was so hot and scary. Why do I need to do that? My friends in the school don’t need it.” So Won asked as she looked up at her mother who was still hugging her from behind.

Shin Hye sighed again as she caressed her cheek. This wasn’t the first time So Won ask her the same question. She guess her daughter just don’t understand why she have to go through all those things when other kids don’t need to.

“Because my lovely So Won is special. We need to poke the needle into your hand so we can put in new and healthy blood into your little body. Eomma know is painful but it will keep So Won healthy.” Shin Hye held onto her head and leaned forward to kiss on her forehead. She then rocked their bodies together in a consoling rhythm. “Without the blood transfusion, So Won will feel tired all the time and become unhealthy. You always feel much better after the blood transfusion, right. It was because the healthy blood goes inside your body and kills the bad blood away. Eomma promise you. When I’m not that busy later, I will take a day off and bring you to Lotte World, okay?” Shin Hye said as she held her pinky finger out to So Won. Her daughter nodded fiercely as she hooked her tiny pinky finger with her mother.

After a while, So Won pulled away from Shin Hye and turned around, sitting with her leg crossed and looking at her mother. “Eomma, where is appa?”

Shin Hye widened her eyes as she was shocked by the sudden question her daughter threw to her. She looked down as held onto So Won’s hand. “Why do you suddenly want to know about him?”

So Won let out a soft sigh. “Yesterday our teacher wants us to write an essay about our father. I don’t know how to write and just leave it blank. Teacher asked me why I didn’t write anything and I told her I don’t have a father. Everyone in the class was laughing at me. I’m not sad or angry with them because even though I don’t have appa but I have a very good and beautiful eomma. But I was just curious. Why didn’t appa come to see us? He doesn’t miss us? He doesn’t love us?” She asked with curiosity in her eyes.

Shin Hye’s felt the warm of the tears started to form in her eyes. She bit her lower lip as she pulled So Won into her arms again. “I’m sorry.” She whispered as tears rolled down her cheek. “Appa didn’t come to see you not because he doesn’t miss you or doesn’t love you. He just doesn’t know that you were exists.” Shin Hye pulled away from her daughter as she caressed her cheek softly. “It was eomma’s fault. Eomma got greedy and selfish. Your appa was so kind to help me but I keep all these away from him.” She paused as she took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from crying.

“Appa is a good person. He has a very bright and great future ahead of him. Eomma has no choice but to leave with you. We will only become a hurdle in his life.” Shin Hye continued, trying to let her understand.

So Won tilted her head as she looked at her mother. “Which mean if appa know about us, he will love me?”

Shin Hye let out a weak smile. “Of course, my dear. If he knows about you, he will definitely love you very much.”

So Won nodded as she stood up and ran to the cabinet in the room. She took out something from the drawer and ran back to Shin Hye. She