Thanks for the memories

Length: 7.8k

Genre: angst

Rating: PG

Summary: All good things come to an end

Time. People are always begging for time, more time.

A dying man begs for a few minutes more, at least until his son makes it back to see him for the last time. A college student prays for more time, more, to study for her major exam tomorrow. A little boy holds onto his ice-cream cone tightly, as his mother grabs his other hand. He wishes for more time in Disneyland before he has to go back home, back to school. A high-school boy groans as the alarm rings at seven in the morning. He wishes for just ten more minutes of sleep. More time. More.

The iridescent snowflakes spiral down and Jongin watches them, focusing on one specific snowflake. He almost goes cross-eyed trying to follow it, and he thinks it’s a coincidence, fate, when it lands on a head of dark hair. Do Kyungsoo’s eyes are folded into half-moons when Jongin abandons the snowflake to look at him instead.

“Hi,” Jongin says breathlessly. Kyungsoo crosses the distance between them and near leaps into his arms, grip tight around Jongin.

“I missed you,” Kyungsoo replies simply. “I still do.”

They draw apart, Jongin’s hands moving down to grab Kyungsoo’s elbows. The smaller male is bundled tightly in a pure white coat, looking so much like an angel (definitely 100% cashmere, probably the most expensive in the shop) but Jongin can feel how much thinner Kyungsoo is. He puts his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist loosely.

“Are you warm enough?”

Kyungsoo nods, and his eyes are bright as always. Sometimes they’re so bright they leave Jongin blinded. It’s like looking directly at the sun -- too glaring, but it doesn’t stop Jongin from trying again, and again, and again.

“I have something for you,” Kyungsoo murmurs, swinging his backpack off. Jongin watches with an intensity that surprises even himself. He feels something in him come undone when the sleeves of Kyungsoo’s coat slip and expose his now incredibly bony wrists. It can probably fit in his hand if Jongin makes a small loop with the tips of his thumb and middle finger pressed together.

Kyungsoo pulls a grey scarf out and Jongin’s breath hitches. It’s the exact same as the one Kyungsoo has around his neck. He receives it gingerly, the material soft in his arms.

“I made it,” Kyungsoo says, and his cheeks are tinged pink. “I didn’t expect it would take so long, but I hope it fits you. I hope you’ll wear it often.”

Jongin lifts it to his nose and inhales. It smells exactly like Kyungsoo.

“I like it,” his voice drops to a whisper, “I love it a lot.” To prove his point, he removes his own scarf and dumps it into his backpack. Kyungsoo helps him wrap his new scarf around his neck and Jongin cannot stop admiring Kyungsoo’s long, pretty lashes. He can see each strand under the soft sunlight and it’s beautiful. Kyungsoo is so beautiful.

Kyungsoo’s smile is still shy and it makes Jongin feel all warm and soft inside. They’ve been together for months but he still has that effect on Kyungsoo.

“What are we going to do today?”

Jongin removes his own glove and almost removes Kyungsoo’s before he realizes it will make him cold. But Kyungsoo shakes his head and removes his glove as well, before taking Jongin’s hand and tangling their fingers. Their palms are warm against each other despite the bitter coldness.

“I want to hold your hand like this,” Kyungsoo says before Jongin can protest.

They walk down the streets together. It’s early afternoon and there aren’t too many people up and about, most of them in school or at work and the streets are blissfully quiet. It would have been bad if the streets were crowded. Kyungsoo needs peace (Jongin too, he needs it so he could listen to Kyungsoo’s soothing voice).

“I want to spend today normally,” Jongin says. He pulls Kyungsoo closer. “Last night I thought about how we would spend our every day if we were married.”

Kyungsoo gives a small laugh, but Jongin thinks it sounds rather sad. “That’s a big dream,” Kyungsoo whispers and it hits him right in the heart. Jongin tries to smile.

“No harm dreaming big, right?”

“Mhm,” Kyungsoo nods thoughtfully before pressing on, “so, how will we spend everyday?”

“We’d leave the apartment in the morning together and walk to the cafe like this.” Jongin announces, and even though they’re just words, he feels so much warmer. Kyungsoo starts to swing their arms as Jongin leads them to his favorite coffee shop. It’s a small and humble place, and the coffee is good.

“Let me guess,” Kyungsoo sounds excited, “You’ll order espresso and I’ll wrinkle my nose while watching you drink because I’ve never liked coffee.”

They don’t let go of each other even as they settle down at the table right beside the entrance. There are only a few patrons but it’s not like Jongin would have cared anyway. They keep their hands connected across the table. He doesn’t have all the time in the world to hold Kyungsoo’s hand, but today he does, and he doesn’t intend to let go at all. Not even for a single second.

A waiter comes over and grins at Jongin.

“Always good to see ya, Jongin,” he greets, eyes flickering over to Kyungsoo. “Is this the Kyungsoo you’ve been telling me about?”

Kyungsoo’s face flames pink again and Jongin is slightly embarrassed, but he just laughs and nods. He gives Kyungsoo’s hand a little squeeze.

“Yeah, he’s even more beautiful than you thought him to be, right?”

Chanyeol narrows his eyes at Kyungsoo, playfully scrutinizing him before he nods firmly. “Yes, he is very beautiful.”

Kyungsoo’s pink erupts into red.

“The usual, please,” Jongin laughs affably and Chanyeol gives them both a playful smile before he flounces off to make Jongin’s coffee. Jongin’s other hand settles on Kyungsoo’s hand as well. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel great,” Kyungsoo says and he really does look great. His face is almost glowing (it’s just Jongin to be honest but oh well), and he looks a lot more radiant than he did the last time Jongin saw him in the hospital. “It’s been stuffy being in there. It feels nice being exposed to fresh air.”

“This winter’s especially harsh,” Jongin’s voice cracks in the middle but Kyungsoo pretends not to notice. He also doesn’t acknowledge Jongin’s true meaning.

“There’s always beauty in everything,” Kyungsoo says with a soft smile and it’s at times like this when Jongin feels his knees going weak. His nose twitch and he clenches his jaw. No, he will not cry. They both agreed not to cry today. At least not until the end.

But Jongin can’t help replying, “what is the beauty in death?”

“Jongin -- “ Kyungsoo mumbles, and it’s a warning for him to stop.

Jongin drops his head. “I know,” he says, “I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol comes back with the espresso and he must have noticed the sudden shift in mood because he doesn’t try to talk to Jongin again. He just smiles at Kyungsoo again before leaving, unaware this will be the first and last time he’ll be seeing the guy Jongin is so head over heels for.

They sit in the coffee shop for a little while more before Jongin is rising to his feet, leading Kyungsoo out of the shop. The sun hangs right in the middle of the sky but the snow continues to fall, and Kyungsoo reaches into his backpack again. His hands re-emerge with a pair of earmuffs.

“You look cute,” Jongin remarks as Kyungsoo puts it on. His husky voice is muffled by the earmuffs and Kyungsoo hates it, he doesn’t want to wear it, but the cold is digging into his ears and the last thing he wants is to collapse, so he puts it on.

Blood rushes up to his face again. Kyungsoo wishes his parents could see him now, see the way Jongin makes him feel warm so easily. They would definitely change their minds about him.

“Thanks,” he murmurs back.

Their hands find each other again and Kyungsoo holds on just as tightly as Jongin does.

“Where are we going now?”

Jongin grins sideways at him. “We’re going to take a train to nowhere.”

Kyungsoo laughs. “Nowhere?”

Because nowhere feels like home anymore.

“Don’t ask,” Jongin frowns, “remember, you’re all mine today?”

“Right,” Kyungsoo answers almost instantly, his breath a puff of smoke. “Jongin ah, do you think you’ll ever fall in love again?”

“I’ll only fall in love with people who are willing to stay up to watch the sunrise with me.” Jongin says with a breathy sigh. They stop, watching for the traffic light to turn green. He knows what Kyungsoo wants to hear.

“There’ll be lots of people who are willing, I promise.”

Kyungsoo wants to hear him say yes, wants to hear him promise there’ll be someone else with him. Jongin remembers when he was really young, and he broke one of his mother’s favorite vases. He had been terrified then, and when his mother asked if he was the culprit, he had said no. His mother let it go, didn’t press on, but even young Jongin knew that his mother knew he was lying. He had been jittery the whole day, convinced his mother would stop loving him for lying, but at the end of the day his mother still tucked him into bed with a kiss on the forehead and Jongin realized his mother still loved him.

People could lie, and the other party could be aware of the truth, but they would still love them regardless.

It feels like this right now, except Kyungsoo wants him to lie. He knows the truth, they both do, he still wants Jongin to grit his teeth and hurt himself so Kyungsoo wouldn’t be hurt. Jongin thinks, for a second, that Kyungsoo is selfish.

He eventually settles on, “I don’t know”. The light turns green and they start crossing the road.

But love is patient. Love is kind. Love is never selfish. Jongin realizes it one second after he thinks Kyungsoo is selfish. Kyungsoo had wanted him to lie even to himself, because then Jongin might just believe it and replace him with someone else.

“Well they’ll have to be able to put up with your annoying habits like I do!” Kyungsoo perks up and Jongin lets laughter flow. He’ll miss this, but he won’t think about it yet. There’s a right time and place for everything and now is definitely not the correct time to miss Kyungsoo. Happiness at this moment feels infinite and Jongin doesn’t want to think about the end.

They still have a long day ahead of them, but Jongin can’t help praying for time to pass even more slowly. More time. More.

Jongin feels the world he knows break away completely the moment they reach the other side of the street across the road. It feels good. He squeezes Kyungsoo’s fingers again, and earns a smile from him.

It’s so much warmer in the train station but Kyungsoo doesn’t remove his coat. It’s still too cold for him. Jongin makes Kyungsoo sit down as he goes to the counter to purchase two tickets, and drums his fingers on the table impatiently as he waits. He doesn’t want to spend a single second away from Kyungsoo. Time is not on his side. He practically races back to Kyungsoo the moment he receives their tickets and Kyungsoo shakes his head at him.

“I’m not going to disappear,” he says, trying to make it sound like a joke but Jongin doesn’t feel like laughing. He just averts his gaze, willing the tears to wait until much later. Jongin remains reticent and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to push him so he just leans into him, eyelids fluttering shut.

He’ll hold on to this moment very firmly -- the two of them sitting in a quiet train station, Jongin’s broad shoulder warm and made for his head. He’ll capture this and bring it onto the plane, into the foreign land, back into the hospital. He’ll keep holding on when the beeping of the machines get too much again, when he just needs the world to quieten down for a little while.

He must have started to doze because Jongin shakes him awake gently.

“The train is here,” he says, eyes soft. He wraps a strong arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders and they rise from their seats, entering the train. Jongin lets Kyungsoo get the window seat and the latter smiles gratefully at him for that. It was the little gestures that made Kyungsoo fall in love with Jongin, and it’s still always going to be the little gestures that he will miss.

Little things always end up mattering most.

Jongin removes his coat and rolls it up into a ball, but he keeps the scarf on. Kyungsoo smiles, reaching out to touch the soft material of the scarf again. He had spent months knitting this (who knew it was such a tedious process?), but his efforts had evidently paid off because it looked perfect wrapped around Jongin’s neck. The thought of Jongin wearing it in the future, years from now, made him feel a tad happier. In some way, he could still be there with Jongin.

“It’s just half an hour away,” Jongin informs him. Kyungsoo hums in acknowledgement and goes back to resting his head on Jongin’s shoulder.

“You smell nice,” Kyungsoo says. He has thought that since the first time Jongin put his arms around him and drew him into his embrace, but this is the first time Kyungsoo is voicing it out. He used to be scared that Jongin might find it creepy, but now there’s no more harm. He just wants to be honest. Their relationship had honestly taken a huge turn after they found out about his illness -- they had been completely honest with each other afterwards.

If Kyungsoo missed Jongin at 3am, he’ll leave him a text message telling him he missed him and that he hoped he would wake up happy because he deserved all the happiness in the world. If Jongin wanted to kiss Kyungsoo in the pouring rain, he would tell him that, and they would kiss in the shower instead, trying to imagine it as rain because Kyungsoo’s body was too weak to stand the rain. If Kyungsoo didn’t like it when Jongin worked too much, he would tell him he was angry and Jongin would apologize before cancelling some of his shifts. Sometimes Kyungsoo felt sad because they haven’t been like this right from the start, but then it was always better late than never and he would be thankful for the fact they had a chance to do this at all.

Jongin just rests his own head against Kyungsoo’s. “I’m here for you,” he reminds Kyungsoo. “You’ll never be alone.”

“I know.”

They fall in love with train rides together, the quiet charm of being on the move, the space to truly sit down and think about the things they’ve been running away from. For Kyungsoo, he also falls in love with uncertainty for the first time. He has no idea where Jongin is taking him, but because it’s Jongin and he trusts him wholeheartedly, he falls in love with the suspense and the thrill. He falls in love with Jongin.

Kyungsoo dozes off again, exhausted from all the walking (although it really hasn’t been much) and the exposure to the outside world again. The train ride also leaves him slightly giddy but it’s nothing much. By now, he’s already used to his giddy spells.

Jongin shakes him awake again and takes his hand. Kyungsoo’s hands are cold and Jongin makes him wear his gloves, ignoring his protests.

“Wear it,” he says sternly as the train continues its journey with a loud groan beside them on the tracks. Kyungsoo sulks, but he slips his dark brown leather gloves onto his hands again anyway. He knows better than to argue with Jongin. Jongin doesn’t wear his own gloves. He holds Kyungsoo’s hands again.

“So when are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

Jongin whistles. “You’ll see.”

Kyungsoo has been here only once, and it had been long ago, so the streets feel unfamiliar and strange. He wonders if this would be how it would feel like to travel overseas with Jongin. The cobblestones they are walking on reminded him of his trip to Paris and it is all too easy to let his imagination take over. Now they are in Paris, they are married, and they are traveling around the world because they love each other.

Jongin leads them straight to a big marble fountain with a circular base. There is a small crowd on the other side but as far as Kyungsoo was concerned, they were not in their way.

“The souhaiter fountain,” Jongin announces, a tinge of pride in his tone. “I’ve wanted to visit this place for ages.”

Kyungsoo knew enough French for that one. He rubs his gloved hands together, excitement sparking between them.

“Do they work?” He asks.

“Does what work?”

“Wishes.”

Jongin lifts his shoulders in a shrug. “Give it a try,” he smiles.

Kyungsoo reaches into his pocket for a coin. Jongin already has his coin in his hand.

“You first,” Jongin says, and Kyungsoo nods happily. He takes a step forward until he can lean against the marble. He tosses the coin into the water before clasping his hands and lifting it to his forehead, concentrating really hard. Then, his shoulders relax, and he let go, turning to look at Jongin. Jongin’s eyes are suspiciously moist. He ignores that.

“Your turn.”

Jongin stands beside him. He imitates Kyungsoo’s actions, tossing the coin into the fountain before clasping his hands and wishing. Kyungsoo watches him. Once upon a time, he had sat on the foot of his bed alone in the middle of the night, wondering if what Jongin felt for him was really love -- the kind of love Kyungsoo felt for him. And that night, he made a wish upon the brightest star, wishing Jongin would love him forever. It’s funny how different his wish is now. But Jongin is so very perfect, midnight lashes and high cheekbones, and Kyungsoo feels his own eyes watering.

On impulse, he feels for his necklace before removing it. Jongin is already done making his wish and watching him when Kyungsoo turned back to him.

“What are you doing?”

“You gave this ring to me, remember?” Kyungsoo asks, swinging the necklace. Jongin had given him a ring as a symbol of his love a few weeks ago and Kyungsoo had chosen to wear it around his neck instead, because that way it would always be close to his heart and that was where Jongin would always belong.

“I did.”

“I’m going to make a wish on this,” Kyungsoo’s voice drops, “I have a feeling it’d come true if I make a wish on this.”

Jongin swallows visibly. “Okay,” he says, and with his approval, Kyungsoo turns back to the fountain.

His actions are a little different this time. Firstly, he lifts the ring to his lips, kissing it before tossing it into the fountain. It hits the clear water with a small splash and they both watch it slowly sink to the bottom, looking like a diamond among the coins. Then he brings his palms together and wishes. Something warm tickles his heart and Kyungsoo smiles ever so slightly, because this time he’s certain it will come true.

“My God,” Jongin whispers after he’s done. “I would kill to make you smile.”

“Come here,” Kyungsoo whispers back. He feels different without the necklace and the ring, and his head is starting to spin again, but this time he isn’t sure if it’s because of the illness or Jongin. Jongin goes to him.

Jongin’s eyes fill with tears and his jaws clench. It’s taking him everything not to cry. He tries to distract himself, so he pulls Kyungsoo in and wraps his old coat around him.

“You mean a lot to me,” Jongin says, his voice wobbling.

Kyungsoo uncurls his scarf and throws it around Jongin, before hooking his arms around his neck. Jongin leans down so their foreheads can collide.

“Thank you for choosing me,” Kyungsoo whispers shakily.

Jongin shakes his head weakly. “I’m the one who should be grateful, you have no idea how much you’ve given me. You’ve literally given me the whole world and I would go through hell just to hold your hand.”

Kyungsoo moves in and their lips touch softly. Electricity courses through Jongin’s veins and he kisses Kyungsoo, allowing the kiss to take over all the things they weren’t able to put into words. They kiss for a long time beside the fountain, even after they’re out of breath, because this is the kind of moment of infinite happiness Jongin has been talking about and it wouldn’t end until Jongin allows it to.

It is Kyungsoo who breaks the kiss to say something.

“Jongin -- “ his voice quivers and shakes and Jongin knows it can’t possibly be anything good. “I have to go at midnight.”

Jongin pecks his lips.

“I know.”

Kyungsoo grips his shoulders, but it’s so weak Jongin wondered if he had even tried.

“Don’t tell me you love me, okay?” Kyungsoo lets a tear fall. “Just say goodnight.”

Jongin bites down so hard on his bottom lip he tastes blood. He has to remain strong for the sake of them. He cannot cry. Not yet.

“And please, promise me you won’t cry.”

Jongin cracks at that. He throws his arms around Kyungsoo’s middle and hugs him so tightly he hears Kyungsoo gasp.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

“Don’t be like this, Jongin.”

“Why do you have to go?” Jongin cries. “Just why the is your body so weak? Why you of all people? Why you, Kyungsoo?”

“Jong -- “

“I can’t ing take this!” Jongin is yelling now and people are looking but he couldn’t care less. He pulls Kyungsoo away, looking into his eyes. “Why do you have to go?”

“You know it’s not up to me to decide.”

“Then I’m going along.” Jongin says firmly.

Kyungsoo’s eyes glisten with tears he doesn’t want to release. “Stop it, it hurts.”

Jongin comes back to his senses, letting go of Kyungsoo instantly.

“Jongin, please don’t do this, I don’t want to fight. I just want to spend today with you happily.” Despite his tears, he tries to push the corners of his lips upwards. “So let’s not fight, okay? I don’t want to be sad. Don’t be like this.”

Jongin has never felt more ty. It isn’t exactly like Kyungsoo is having an easy time, but here he is yelling and blaming him for things he can’t possibly control.

“I’m sorry,” he says, spreading his arms. Kyungsoo goes into them automatically. Jongin buries his face in the crown of Kyungsoo’s head, breathing in the scent he has grown to adore. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” he hears Kyungsoo say back.

They stand beside the fountain hugging for a really long time, feeling sorry for themselves, for the pain Kyungsoo is going through, for the bloody illness that’s tearing them apart, for Kyungsoo’s departure later. But there’s just one thing they don’t feel sorry about.

They don’t feel sorry about their love.

Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is never selfish. Love is never to be regretted or pitied.

---o---

It’s amazing how Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to know the effect he has on others. Jongin always wonders why Kyungsoo can be unconfident at times because he’s a walking poem. Then again, Kyungsoo is so beautiful because he is unaware of his own beauty.

Kyungsoo clings tightly to his arm. His eyes are wide, dazzling bright as he looks around and takes in everything like a newborn child seeing the world for the first time.

“I like this place,” Kyungsoo mumbles, “it’s a nice place.”

It’s time.

“I’ve got something for you.”

They stop dead in their tracks in the middle of the sidewalk. Jongin pushes Kyungsoo hand away so he can reach into his backpack, half-afraid Kyungsoo might fall without his support. But Kyungsoo doesn’t, and in fact he looks almost strong again.

Almost. Such a big word. There, but not quite. Almost.

“I drew this for you,” Jongin says hesitantly. “You can -- can take it there.”

Kyungsoo unrolls the drawing paper. His cheeks are red from the cold.

“Jongin…”

“I’ve never told you, but you’re my sunflower.”

“I -- “

“You’re still bright.” Jongin takes Kyungsoo hands and brings it to his lips. He kisses all five knuckles, eyes falling shut when he feels the tears. “You’ll always be this bright in my memory.” Secret tears form behind closed eyelids and Jongin thinks it’s better this way. He can’t bring himself to look at Kyungsoo right now.

“I -- “ Kyungsoo sounds breathless, and Jongin’s heart clenches. “I’ll keep this well.” He knows Kyungsoo was going to say those three words. But they promised not to.

“Tell me what you wished for tonight, right before we part.” Kyungsoo’s leather glove feels rough against his face and Jongin wishes it was Kyungsoo’s hand instead. He wants to feel the softness of his skin and be able to kiss it until Kyungsoo is whole again. “I want to know what you wished for.”

Jongin opens his eyes. He’s right. Kyungsoo really is dazzling. “Will they still come true like that?” He asks amusedly.

“I’m sure they will. Have faith.”

“Faith,” Jongin echoes.

Kyungsoo smiles. “Yes,” he whispers, “faith.”

“I stopped having faith,” Jongin whispers back, eyes almost cold.

“Oh, Jongin,” Kyungsoo’s eyes filled up with tears again. It’s ridiculous. Jongin just wants to take Kyungsoo into his arms and cry. He doesn’t want to be strong anymore. “Life goes on.”

Jongin lets his gaze drop, staring at Kyungsoo’s boots. “Not without you,” he mumbles.

Kyungsoo’s body starts to tremble and sirens go off in Jongin’s head. He grabs Kyungsoo’s shoulders a little too tightly, but Kyungsoo’s eyes look unfocused. A giddy spell. He grips Jongin’s elbows weakly, and seconds pass before the wave of giddiness is gone.

“You okay?” Jongin asks even though he knows the answer.

Kyungsoo isn’t one to sugarcoat his words. He delivers the truth as it is. “No. I’m far from being okay.”

“Do you need anything? Food? Pills? Do you want to sit down?”

Kyungsoo just smiles weakly at him. His eyes look so sad. “Yes, Jongin, I want to sit down.”

That’s enough to bring back the reality of their relationship, and the truth that Kyungsoo is severely ill. He doesn’t like sitting down. He likes walking, exercising, moving. He hates being asked to sit down but here he is, asking to sit down. Jongin looks around for benches, but a signboard catches his eyes and he wraps a strong and steady arm around Kyungsoo’s middle.

“We’re going to the park,” he says, trying not to let his voice tremble. Kyungsoo just leans into him, and Jongin wonders how he can still smile so brightly.

They follow the directions given by the signboard and it isn’t at all difficult to locate the park. Jongin guides them to the first empty bench he sees, sweeping away the snow that had gathered before they sat down. Kyungsoo sits down with a heavy sigh.

“I feel better now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I really do. I guess I just got excited just now.” He punches Jongin’s shoulder playfully, and it’s hard to tell if the lack of strength is deliberate.

“You know, Kyungsoo, you’ll make the face of heaven so fine.”

The pink on Kyungsoo’s face seems to be stuck there permanently now but Jongin still firmly believes it has something to do with him instead of the temperature.

“You think so?”

The view of the empty playground in front of them isn’t very romantic but Jongin feels love.

He turns to Kyungsoo. “I know so.”

Then he glances down at his watch. It’s almost evening. Soon, the sun will set and the stars will emerge from between the clouds. The moon will rise and their day will come to an end.

Jongin shuts his eyes. He wishes for time, more time.

---o---

Two hours later they find themselves back where they started, on familiar streets and Kyungsoo sighs for the millionth time.

“I don’t like this place so much now.”

Jongin scuffs his sneakers against the ground. He tucks their connected hands into his coat pocket.

“Me either.”

His phone vibrates in the other pocket and he grins.

“Gimme a moment, Soo.”

Kyungsoo waits beside the tree as Jongin walks a few feet away to answer the phone. He glances to make sure Kyungsoo can’t hear his conversation and speaks quietly into the phone, informing Yixing that he’s already back and ready for the gift. Kyungsoo is looking at him with a smile on his face when Jongin turns back, and for the first time that night, Jongin doesn’t feel like crying. Instead, he slides his phone back into his pocket and spreads his arms. Kyungsoo fits so perfectly into his arms, and he’s more than certain he’ll never find anyone else like this.

“We’re going to Yixing’s shop,” he says into Kyungsoo’s hair, pressing a quick kiss there.

“Yixing?” Kyungsoo beams. “I like Yixing.”

“He likes you too.” Jongin pinches his nose, making him yelp. “You’re lovable from head to toe.”

Jongin wants to flag a taxi but Kyungsoo insists on walking, and it takes a whole lot of convincing before Jongin finally relents. He doesn’t want to go against Kyungsoo tonight anyway. They don’t have time for anything other than love. So they walk down the streets hand in hand, huddled close together. Kyungsoo pulls his earmuffs off halfway through the journey and lets it hang around his neck instead. They talk on the way, chatting about small little things that makes Jongin smile. Kyungsoo smiles too, and it has more to do with Jongin’s happiness than the things they are talking about.

Yixing’s shop has always been a happy sight (although Jongin highly doubts it will remain so after tonight) and they push open the door, warm air hitting them instantly. The Chinese male is standing behind the counter.

“Hey, you’re here!” He half-yells, looking excited.

Kyungsoo just grins back at him before he is walking down the shelves, running his fingers along the spines of the books. He loves reading, and therefore he loves Yixing’s book-store. Kyungsoo randomly picks out a book and flips open to the first page, missing the way Jongin ducked under the counter to retrieve something. He’s still engrossed in the book, only a few pages in when Jongin’s arm curls around his waist.

“What are you reading?” Jongin asks, chin resting on his shoulder.

Kyungsoo tries to shrug but Jongin’s head proved to be too heavy. Jongin doesn’t sound genuinely interested anyway, so Kyungsoo lets it drop.

“Come outside with me,” he tries again.

Kyungsoo slides the book back to where it belongs before he spins around and kisses Jongin’s cheek. Jongin blinks at him, surprised.

“Wouldn’t get a chance to do this again,” Kyungsoo says with a cheeky smile.

Jongin’s smile is kinda sad.

Yixing waves them off, but not before pulling Kyungsoo towards him and giving him a big hug. He whispers something into Kyungsoo’s ear and Kyungsoo laughs lightly, nodding in reply. Jongin wants to ask, but he’s too preoccupied with the small jar hidden in his pocket to care.

This has to go perfectly. Nothing can go wrong.

“Remember what you told me on our first date?”

Kyungsoo’s hand is back in his pocket and Jongin is grateful now that Kyungsoo has his glove on, because this way he can’t feel his sweaty palm. He his head.

“Our first date?” Kyungsoo asks with a small laugh. “I can’t really remember.”

“Try.”

They’re on the path to Jongin’s small apartment.

Kyungsoo rubs his chin, eyebrows pulled together. He looks absurdly adorable and Jongin almost leaned in to kiss him, but then Kyungsoo snaps his fingers.

“I remember! I called you a dinosaur.”

Jongin rolls his eyes. “No, not that.”

“Um.”

“Think harder,” Jongin urges him, “remember when we were sitting in the movie theatre and I asked you about your dreams?”

The apartment building is right in front of them but Jongin leads them around the bend. Kyungsoo is too steeped in trying to remember to notice this isn’t the right way to his house.

“I told you I wanted to be a cartoonist.”

“That’s not all.”

Kyungsoo stops again, his face twisted with pain. Jongin feels something in him crack. It might be his heart, but he thought it was already broken so he isn’t sure.

“Wait,” Kyungsoo whispers, grabbing at Jongin again. “Just give this a second to pass.”

“Giddy again?”

Kyungsoo nods, and then his expression returns to normal. He rests his forehead against Jongin’s shoulder.

“I’m terrified.”

Jongin fights to hold back his tears. He takes Kyungsoo’s hand and continues to walk forward, pulling him along. Now Kyungsoo notices they’re not headed for his apartment and he lets curiosity get better of him.

“Where are we going?”

“There’s a field behind the building.”

Kyungsoo’s frown returns. “I thought it was locked? You told me they were going to build something on it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jongin nods patiently, “but I found a way to get in.”

Kyungsoo looks so much like himself again when Jongin steals a glimpse at him. He doesn’t look deathly pale anymore and Jongin kisses his forehead as a reward. The tint of pink returns to his face.

The small gate of the field is locked, but Jongin keeps moving. He doesn’t stop until he comes across a big hole in the fence and Kyungsoo laughs loudly.

“Did you do this?”

“I got Sehun to do it,” Jongin replies proudly. “Come on, let’s go in.”

“It’s freezing cold, though,” Kyungsoo’s voice softens. “I don’t know if I can withstand the cold…”

Jongin pats his bursting backpack, offering Kyungsoo his most disarming grin.

“I’m well-prepared.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything else. It’s very dark but Jongin miraculously produces a pocket-torch from his backpack. The way ahead of them is bright again. It’s just a thick layer of snow beneath their feet and Kyungsoo holds on tightly to Jongin’s arm, afraid of slipping. Jongin makes him grab the fence to maintain his balance as he empties his backpack and spreads a thick tartan blanket on the snow.

“Come here,” he says, and Kyungsoo’s laughter is the most beautiful thing he has heard all day.

They sit down on the blanket, backs against the fence. Jongin produces another tartan blanket -- a thinner one -- and spreads it over their legs.

“Cold?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. He grins. “Warm.” Then he places his hand against his chest. “Warm in here.”

“You told me you wanted to become a cartoonist on our first date,” Jongin says, hand disappearing into his coat pocket. Kyungsoo looks into his eyes. “You also told me you wanted watch fireflies dance around you.”

Kyungsoo bobs his head. “I did.”

“This isn’t much -- I couldn’t think of what else to do, so I hope you like this.”

The small jar fits snugly on his palm as Jongin lifts it up. Kyungsoo’s eyes moisten.

“Jongin,” he whispers, sounding as though he’s going to choke on his tears.

“I -- “ Jongin’s voice trails off. No, he can’t say those three words. He tries again. “You mean a lot to me.” The torch-light goes off.

And he unscrews the cap of the jar, releasing the fireflies. A silent tear rolls down Kyungsoo’s face. It’s such a sight to behold, the fireflies literally lighting up the world around them as they dance around Kyungsoo and Jongin. Kyungsoo reaches out, as though he wants to grab one, before he changes his mind and lets his arm fall back to his side limply.

“Thank you,” he says to Jongin, “thank you so much.”

Jongin pulls him close, nestling Kyungsoo’s head in the crook of his neck.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d do anything to make you smile.”

“Did you catch them?” Kyungsoo turns to him, and Jongin has never seen his smile this soft.

“Yeah, I made Yixing and Sehun go with me.”

Kyungsoo reaches for his hand and cradles it, his fingertips skimming across the small cuts.

“You’re a silly boy.”

I love you threatens to spill out of his lips but Jongin settles for a subdued “I know.”

The fireflies are starting to go and the world is becoming dimmer, but that’s not a problem, not when Kyungsoo’s eyes shine so much brighter than they do.

“Look,” Jongin gestures at the night sky spread with stars, “look how the stars shine for you.”

“You’ll fall for somebody new.”

It felt like a hard punch in the face.

“Well maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.”

Kyungsoo sighs at him and it’s one of frustration. It’s not directed at Jongin, but at himself.

“I’m only a chapter of your life.”

Jongin really doesn’t want to talk about such depressing things when they’re still together. He’ll leave the sadness for later, the later he’s still not ready to confront. He thinks he’ll never be ready.

“Dr. Do, please help me.”

“Huh?”

“Some jerk just broke my heart into like thirty thousand million pieces. What should I do?”

He can’t see very well but Jongin can almost feel Kyungsoo’s eye roll.

“Tell me about your wishes, Jongin. The one you made in the afternoon.”

“Is it okay for me to tell you?”

Kyungsoo kisses his lips firmly. He tastes sweet.

“It’s definitely okay. I’ll make it happen when I’m up there.”

“But you’re not dying,” Jongin says, more to himself than Kyungsoo. “That’s why they’re sending you overseas, remember? You’re going to get the best treatment, get well, and come back to me.”

Kyungsoo just laughs dryly. “Jongin, we both know I’m not coming back. We both know I’m dying.”

“Kyung -- “

“Don’t say anything, just hold me close, okay? That would really help.”

So Jongin holds him even tighter. He buries his face in Kyungsoo’s hair, crying now. It doesn’t matter anymore. He doesn’t want to be strong. He doesn’t want to let Kyungsoo go.

“I wished for more time with you.” Jongin confesses, voice muffled. “I wished for today to last for an eternity.”

“Now wouldn’t that be great? If only we had an hour-glass, and time would stop every time we tilted it. We’d have all the time in the world together.”

“What did you wish for?”

“I made two wishes, and listen, Jongin, I want you to make sure they come true. You’re the only one who can do that, and you don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”

Jongin cries harder.

“My first wish was for you to never give up on your dream. Never stop drawing, and never stop writing your beautiful poems.”

Kyungsoo pulls away so he can cup Jongin’s face. It really is very dark, but there’s just enough light for him to make out Jongin’s features.

“Isn’t it funny?” Jongin croaks, hiccuping. “People have to become so broken before they produce wonderful art pieces.”

“You’re not broken,” Kyungsoo reminds him gently, “just bent.”

“I can’t live without you.”

“My second wish was for you to be happy. I mean it. I don’t want anything else, I just want you to be happy.”

“I  never thought we’d end like this.“

“You still have to be happy, okay? Find joy in the simplest things. Find joy in waking up. Find joy when you step out of the house and a clear blue sky greets you, because that’s where you know I’ll be.”

A new sensation fills his chest. It’s fiery, red. Anger.

“I don’t want to lose you!”

But he’s not mad at Kyungsoo. He’s mad at everything except for Kyungsoo.

“And I don’t want to argue with you, Jongin, I really don’t want to.” Kyungsoo’s voice is incredibly quiet but it brings Jongin down to his knees. “And I told you, you won’t lose me.” Kyungsoo untangles their fingers and places his palm over Jongin’s chest. “I’ll always be right here.”

“Kyungsoo, I love -- “

A hand clamps over his mouth before he can say the final word.

“Don’t.” Kyungsoo whispers. “Don’t say that. We agreed. Promise me something.”

Jongin sniffles, fist against his mouth. He manages a muffled “what?”

“Promise me you won’t miss me, and you’ll be fine.”

Jongin just shakes his head sadly. “I can’t.”

The look in Kyungsoo’s eyes is so sad, so defeated, so helpless, and Jongin realizes with a pang that Kyungsoo isn’t having it any easier.

“Oh, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers, “you have to.”

The alarm on Jongin’s phone goes off. 12am.

“I have to go.”

“No,” Jongin takes Kyungsoo’s hand, feelings of panic sinking in. “No, don’t go.” He is crying really hard now and Kyungsoo is too, but he’s still getting to his feet. “Kyungsoo, please, don’t go.”

“Do you -- do you love me, Jongin?”

“Yes, I love -- “

Kyungsoo presses his hand against Jongin’s mouth again before he gets to finish it.

“Okay, then walk me out of here and flag a taxi for me.”

It’s time. It’s really time to go. Jongin dabs at his eyes, praying to a God he doesn’t believe in. Please, more time.

They leave the field anyway, leaving the tartan blankets there. Jongin will come back to retrieve it later, but for now he only wants to focus on Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s tear-stained face is more obvious under the streetlights and it only makes Jongin start crying again. He holds Kyungsoo’s hand even as he stretches his arm out, trying to flag a taxi. He hopes it doesn’t arrive.

But it does.

All good things must come to an end.

Kyungsoo spins around and throws his arms around him right before he gets into the taxi, and Jongin kisses the side of his head. Then Kyungsoo draws back slightly and they kiss, lips to lips, moving methodically against each other.

The moment ends. Kyungsoo lets go.

“Be strong, Jongin,” he says, and then he’s getting into the taxi.

Jongin watches him leave. Kyungsoo doesn’t so much as turn around in the vehicle but he knows that’s because his face is slick with tears and he doesn’t want Jongin to see him that way. Contrary to what people think, Kyungsoo has always been the stronger one, the pillar of strength in their relationship.

Time runs out.

---o---

He’s getting frostbite because the blankets aren’t thick enough but Jongin stays right where he is. He can see the airplanes from here. It’s been roughly two hours since he let Kyungsoo go and the pain is already unbearable.

He wants so badly to feel Kyungsoo’s smaller body in his arms again, to hold and listen to his voice until the world falls away. He’d gladly give away a million days just to spend one more with Kyungsoo.

Jongin stops praying, because there isn’t a point in wishing for more time when Kyungsoo is already gone. Time doesn’t matter anymore.

His phone vibrates and Jongin almost ignores it, almost, but a small voice in his head tells him to check it. So he does, fingers curling weakly around the device.

From: Kyungsoo

I love you. Thanks for the memories.

A strangled cry tears its way out of his throat and Jongin’s fingers are moving before he can stop them. He clicks on Kyungsoo’s contact and hits call. If Kyungsoo was allowed to break their promise, then Jongin too, was allowed to do so.

“The number you dialed is currently unavailable. Please try again later.”

It doesn’t come as a surprise. For the first time, Jongin curses at Kyungsoo.

To: Kyungsoo

I love you, , I love you so much

There are so many more things he wants to say -- how he’ll miss Kyungsoo forever, how life will never be the same without him, and how a part of him still believes Kyungsoo will make it through -- but Jongin doesn’t type them out. He settles on I love you. He should have said that to him today. the promise, it, he should have let Kyungsoo know he loved him so much.

He clicks send.

---o---

Kyungsoo leans back against his seat.

“You feeling okay, honey?”

“No.”

His mother seems caught off-guard by his response, but she’s smart enough to know his tears don’t have anything to do with his physical pain. It comes from the very bottom of his heart. Kyungsoo just sighs again, rubbing his face tiredly. He places his phone in his mother’s hands.

“Take this.”

There are no questions asked. Kyungsoo turns to look out of the window as the plane takes off.

He wonders if the stars shine just as brightly up there, then he remembers Jongin, and realizes that nothing will ever seem bright again now that he knows just how bright Jongin can shine.

---o---

A plane flies overhead and Jongin tilts his head all the way back to watch. His eyes are glistening again by the time it flies out of sight, and Jongin wonders just how much someone can cry in one night. The scarf is still fit snug around his neck and Jongin lowers his head until the lower half of his face is buried beneath the woollen material, and he breathes in Kyungsoo’s scent.

It’s already starting to fade away, just like Kyungsoo.

He balls his hand into a fist and holds it against his chest. This is the night Kim Jongin discovers that a heart, even when broken, still pumps on. It still works.

Thanks for the memories.

Kyungsoo’s parents can do anything to tear them apart because of the big difference in social statuses, they can do anything to take Kyungsoo away from Jongin with the pretext of wanting him to get better treatment in a foreign land, but they’ll never manage to take this away from Jongin. This is what Kyungsoo has given him and vice versa, and nothing, not even death, can take it away. It might become blurry after time but it’s something that belongs only to Jongin. Because after everything, that’s the only thing they have left.

Memories.

---o---

Next update: 18/07/2014