I want you to stay forever
Many don't know Leeteuk has two different sides. Only the most fortunate ones, the ones Leeteuk held dear, knew of his true personality. While people laugh at Leeteuk's cute antics and praise his professional MCing skills, Kibum silently praises his hyung for a very different skill.
"You're a better actor than I am, hyung," Kibum said one evening as they came back from Leeteuk's and Eunhyuk's radio show.
The leader removed his seatbelt with a tired sigh and gave the younger one a small smile. The three of them went up to their dorm, Eunhyuk yawned loudly and announced he was going to take a shower before going to bed. That was just fine, Leeteuk wanted to talk to Kibum anyway. He grabbed the younger one's hand and led them back out. It confused Kibum slightly as the journey stopped back outside.
"Hyung?" Kibum has noticed Leeteuk refused to meet his eyes.
"When were you planning on telling us, Kibum-ah?" Leeteuk finally turned around, inhaling deeply to keep himself calm.
The silent one now looked away. He knew what the other was talking about, but he didn't know how to respond. If he knew he would have told his brothers how he was going to pursuit his acting career in America. He had procrastinated the decision to tell them and now time was running out; he would leave in less than a month. How had Leeteuk found out? Perhaps their manager had finally kept his would when threatening Kibum that if he wouldn't tell them, he would himself.
"I knew you would be angry, making such a selfish decision," he muttered with his low voice, hands pocketing in his trousers as a cold breeze passed them.
"We won't try to stop you, Kibummie.." Leeteuk smiled a little when the younger one looked up, obviously surprised by Leeteuk using such a nickname during a serious conversation. It was to let the other know Leeteuk was in fact not angry but sad.
"I don't know how to say farewell," Kibum said once they began strolling the streets, it was dark outside and most people were asleep already. It calmed the younger one realizing they didn't have to worry about getting recognized. It was one of the reasons why he preferred night over day.
A hand on his shoulder gave a small squeeze. They stopped and Kibum lifted his troubled eyes to see Leeteuk's kind smile.
"Kibummie, don't you know? Farewell doesn't exist," the leader said and though he saw the embarrassed look on the younger one's face, he wrapped his arms around the other. He embraced him during this dark and cold night.
"When you're lonely, or when you're scared.. I will be here," Kibum found it a very motherlike thing to say, but knew the words were sincere.
He shifted his eyes, once more checking if people didn't recognize them. Then ever so slowly he raised his arms and returned the warming gesture. He couldn't remember the last time he had hugged one of his brothers like this. Silently he made himself promise he wouldn't leave until he had hugged every single one of them like this, hiding his teary eyes in either a chest or a shoulder while trying to remember what it would feel like.
"Kibummie~" Leeteuk rubbed the other's back. He had noticed how Kibum was trembling slightly and when the younger one clutched his shirt and sniffed it was obvious he was crying.
"Do what you have to do and be sure to remember us, okay? I want you to think of all the ELF with their balloons cheering us on while you look at the sky. And when you look at the deep colours of the see, pay extra attention to the sapphire blue hue,"
Kibum nodded, why was it always so hard to stop once you started crying?
He had cried a lot that night before he found the courage to tell his other brothers that he was leaving them soon. Of course some didn't understand, overwhelmed by a feeling of betrayal that made them overlook the sadness in their heart. Kibum simply let it happen, casting his eyes downward as some questioned his decision harshly.
"What about Super Junior?"
"Why did you only just now told us?"
"What about the ELF?"
They were all questions Kibum had thought about before making his final decision. However, some of them didn't understand how much his heart longed to go back to America and be casted for a movie or a series. To Kibum it was rather easy to hide behind a persona and because he was usually so silent, no one really knew if he could actually relate to his character or not. Little did they know that more than often he did show his true colours on the screen.
"Everyone! Calm down!" Leeteuk stood and placed both hands on Kibum's shoulders from behind.
"Kibum might be going to America, but he is not leaving," the leader's words confused them all.
Kibum raised his head and turned it, blinking as he tried to find the logic behind Leeteuk's words. The others gave him thoughtful looks too until the leader finally continued though Kibum had to grimace slightly at the way the words fell from the elder's lips. It sounded rehearsed, just how long had he known about Kibum's departure?
"No matter if Kibummie is in America or here in South Korea with us, as part of Super Junior whenever we will take one step forward, he will walk along beside us! With every performance we will perform as one no matter how many are on stage," Leeteuk let his eyes roam the faces of his dongsaeng. He was glad to see the ones who had been angry before realized they had acted too rashly.
There was a moment of intense silence, Leeteuk's speech had touched them all. Some did cry though others pretended to be completely fine, Kibum being one of the latter. Like he had promised himself Kibum embraced his brothers and found comfort in hiding his face while his brothers rubbed his back or ruffled his hair. They weren't truly angry, Kibum could leave without feeling too guilty.
The silent male even laughed softly when Donghae refused to let go of his arm. They had to rest now because tomorrow would be a busy day like every other. Still the older male glared at Kangin for prying his hands of Kibum's sleeve and roaring at him to go to his room. They locked eyes over the strong man's shoulder, Kibum gave Donghae a small smile that told him not to worry. Then they were alone again.
Kibum turned slightly to the form of the elder sitting on the couch, leaning forward to let his bangs and the shadows of the room hide the expression on his face. Leeteuk raised his eyes faintly when Kibum clapped slowly.
"Perhaps you should go cast for some roles instead of me," the younger one mumbled.
The leader laughed shortly and shook his head. He had been able to hold back and was glad Kangin had noticed his mask crumbling in time to get everyone out. Now that he no longer had to be the leader of a large group he could let his own sadness seep through. Thick tears rolled down his cheeks as Kibum sat down beside him.
"Kibum, is it really too late to say I want you to stay forever?" Leeteuk had a small hopeful smile trembling on his face.
It had been the last words spoken that night as Kibum could only nod and let his tears join Leeteuk's on the man's shirt as they embraced once more. He would never forget this. They way it felt when the older one pulled him against his body tightly and sobbed softly in his ear.
Though it brought tears to his eyes every time he remembered that night, it made Kibum stronger. In a different country where he faced hardships of equal frustration as his brothers Kibum knew that with every hesitant step he was not alone and never would be.
They were with him if he closed his eyes. Donghae gripping his sleeve, Siwon's hand on his head, Heechul and Kangin in front of him to make sure every crowd would part for him. His brothers stood beside him, a wall of men to protect him. And when he felt lonely at night and stared at the sky he remembered Leeteuk's words. They were comforting him as he slummed back on his bed and cradled his pillow close, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he mumbled Leeteuk's name; thanking him and whispering how much he missed him.
^ Back to Top