When I was in Germany, I remembered an encounter with an old lady at the bus stop in Berlin. I was heading down to the train station to catch a train to Frankfurt. I put my things down and she eyed me curiously. I looked up to see her looking back at me and I smiled politely.

                “Are you lost?” she asked in her smoky, cigarette filled voice. I could only speak a little German, thanks to my German friend whom I met in college. I shook my head. “My German is not good.” I said.

                “Ah.” The ‘ah’ seemed to go on forever as she nodded her head and I sat down. She looked at me with soft eyes. “Hang in there. Our weakest moment is also our strongest.”

                “Excuse me?” I looked at her quizzically. She must have thought I was lost or running away or something. The bus came and she got on. She smiled at me for one last time before going off.

                Years later, I met up with my old German friend again, and I asked him to translate what the old lady said. He said it meant ‘our weakest moment is also our strongest’.

                I thought the old lady was insane. How could that be possible? How can we be weak and strong at the same time? It’s like being hard and soft, hot and cold, smart and dumb all at the same time. It didn’t make sense to me.

                Until that one special day.

                I’ve had a lot of firsts in my life. First kiss, first book, first lover, first , first travel…but there are some things I would have never thought I would accomplish until I got back to Seoul. First time making kimchi, first time having an employer and many more.

                Let me tell you the story of all my other firsts.

                “Luhan!!! Luhan, stop!!!” I ran after the kid like a deer running away from a fire. I trailed after his hot steps before pushing past the swinging office door and chasing him onto the streets. It was the back alley of Starling HQ and an oncoming motorcycle almost knocked Luhan over. But it did its job. It stopped him.

                “What are you doing?” I pulled his arm and he shrugged it off. He looked at me with red eyes, breathing so hard as if he just ran a marathon.

                “Don’t you see? I’m trying to save me from myself.” He panted, planning to sprint again but I held onto him.

                “What are you talking about? Is everything okay?”

                “No everything is NOT OKAY!!!!” He screamed at me. “Stop asking me if I am okay! I will never be okay!!”

                “Luhan…”

                “When I was young,” he sniffed. “There was a bully in my school. I had a short temper so he called me a grenade. Oh look out everybody!! Grenade Luhan is going to blow up and annihilate us all!” Luhan mocked about, pretending he was the bully. “I know what he means now. I am a grenade. I am a ing grenade. You know why? Because everything I touch blows up.”

                “Look…”

                “This is a mistake.” He cried. “Everything is a mistake. I’m a curse. I’m cursed to be forever miserable and forever at guilt!” and just by total coincidence, it started to rain. It poured like a monsoon in the Amazon and we stayed there, getting drenched like the trees caught in the rain.

                “Look at this. God is punishing me.” He looked up and screamed. “Are you happy now God?!?!? Are you ing happy?! I’m punished okay?! Look, I’m drenched, lonely and pathetic. I’m being punished by you for all that I’ve done!! And I’m sorry okay??! Is that enough?! Every time you give me a gift, you come and take it all away. Why do you do this??!”

                The thunder seemed to echo in reply but the rain didn’t let up. If anything, it actually started raining down even more. I couldn’t tell if Luhan was crying or hyperventilating. In the rain, there was no difference. He wasn’t even a star anymore. He was just…a boy. A young boy.

                “Listen, you are not a grenade.” I tried. “You are not a curse. You are not being punished by god. You are just human.”

                “Human.” He scoffed. “The worst kind ever.”

                “No, you are not the worst kind. You’re not going to be banished to hell. You didn’t kill anybody. Sure, you screwed up, made a few bad choices, pissed people off, fell in love and what not but that’s what we do. That’s what we live for. We live to make bad choices and appease with them. We live to watch people come and go in our lives. We’re programmed for this.”

                “You are not making a mistake. Your life is not a mistake and do you know why? Because you are not a mistake. You never were and never will be; hence your life is not a mistake. You were put on this Earth by God and he does not make mistakes.” I told him. “You are in love with the most handsome man this side of the Earth has ever seen. You are one half of the biggest Kpop act of the century. You are not a mistake. Do you know how many people would die to be in your shoes?”

               “Apologizing for falling in love is like apologizing for breathing. We bump into people, spill coffee, step on their toes, knock over, trip…those are the things we should say sorry for, not this.” I was out of breath and really cold but I couldn’t stop. “You can’t save yourself when you’re broken. It doesn’t work like that.”

                “Yi…”

                “Give yourself a break.” I breathed. “Do you want to know about bad mistakes? I’ve made so many of them. I let a drunk man cheat me out of my wallet in New York. I was kicked out of my homestay apartment when I was Greece. I’ve done too many stupid things, including turning down a movie proposal which would have made me famous.”

                “I had no idea.”

               “Neither did I.” I shook my head. “You’re expecting yourself to be the person the fans expect you to. That’s not fair. Not even to you.”

                “But I promised…”

                “Promises have to be broken to make way for new ones. One set of promises can’t cover a lifetime of learning and growing.” I held his arms as the rain poured. “You’ve been on a roller coaster that only goes up. Now, you’re going down. Going down is painful because you’re finally feeling the effects of gravity, but do you know what’s at the end of a roller coaster ride? A safe landing.”

                “Yixing…”

                “You’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine. I’m sorry if I can’t tell you anything other than that but it’s the truth. Do you know who is going to be sitting next to you on this ride, heading towards the landing and going all over again?”

                “Who?” he sniffled.

                “Sehun. He will. He will be with you no matter what. And me.” I said. “I don’t know about anyone else, but I know I will, and he will. And probably Baekhyun too, but he will be either at the end of the roller coaster or waiting at the landing cheering you on.”

                “Can you promise that?” he asked weakly.

                “It’s not a promise. It’s a need.”

                “Then hug me now. Please.”

                And I did. I hugged him in the pouring rain, our drenched bodies clinging to each other. In that moment, I finally understood why the old lady in Germany said our weakest moment is also our strongest. There is a quiet, brewing strength that you can only feel once you have been beaten down to the ground.

                That was the first time I cried in the rain.

                                                                                *****************

                After a couple of minutes enjoying a good rain shower, I finally managed to coax Luhan into coming back in. We were soaked like hell and shivering like mad because it was freezing. When we entered together, I felt Luhan being pulled away from me and into the arms of Sehun.

                “What have you been doing out there? Are you nuts?” Sehun wrapped a towel over him and used another one to dry Luhan’s hair. “You could have gotten a cold! You are going to be so sick tomorrow mister!”

                “I’m sorry Sehunnie…”

                “You scared the ing out of me. Don’t ever do that again or I swear I will kill you.” Sehun kissed him over and over again, as if he was passing his body warmth to Luhan. Luhan smiled and nuzzled his wet face into Sehun’s chest. The couple walked away as I stood there watching them. I didn’t realize how hard I was shivering until someone draped something on my shoulders.

                “Wha…Joonmyun?!”

                “You must be cold, come on and lets you get you dried up.” He rubbed my shoulders and we walked back together.

                “How did you know I was here?”

                “Lucky guess.” He smiled. I sneezed into the towel he draped on as he guided me back.

                Tao was in the lounge area waiting for me. He was supposed to be visiting Kris and decided to take care of me while he was at it. I took off my wet clothes and changed into something warm. He poured me a cup of hot tea and helped me dunk my feet in warm water.

                “Oh, that feels good.” I groaned, feeling the heat on my toes.

                “You must have been nuts going after Luhan in this weather.” Tao shook his head, teasing me.

                “Aren’t we all a little crazy?” I sneezed and Tao laughed. I sneezed again and smiled. “Honestly though, what they have between them is something I wish I had.”

                “You mean Sehun and Luhan?”

                I nodded. “I’m always somebody’s child, somebody’s best friend, somebody’s brother, somebody’s support system, but never somebody’s special soul, somebody’s soul mate, somebody’s lover.”

                Tao held my hand. “Don’t say that. Would it make you feel better if I said you are my soul mate?”

                “So I got one thing checked off my list. Should we pop the champagne?” I said, sneezing again.

                “I’m serious.” He said. “You’ll find someone. You’ll find someone who will love you and give you all the attention, love and care that you have given to others. He’ll come knocking on this door and you’ll know it’s him.”

                A knock came on the front door and Joonmyun poked his head in. “Hey Yixing, how do you feel?”

                “Good.” I sneezed again.

                “You better get some medicine and a very good rest.” He smiled. “By the way, where is Kris?”

                “He’s in his office. But he’s on a long distance call with Russia.”

                “Thanks.” Joonmyun poked his head out and walked away.

                “As I was saying,” Tao continued. “You’ll find a guy that you can be the answer to all his questions. You’ll find someone who needs you.”

                “Sorry to bother again,” Joonmyun knocked and poked his head in again. “But Kris is busy and do you happen to know where he put the Stephenson file?”

                “Yeah, let me get that for you.”

                “But shouldn’t you…”

                “It’s fine.” I grabbed a tissue and my tea as I stepped out of the hot water bath. He came in and gave me a peck on the forehead. I shot my head back up in surprise.

                “Wha…”

                “What would I do without you?” he smiled, rubbing my shoulders. I smiled back a little, my heart in my rib cage pounding like a drum.

                That was the first time I found out that I am needed by someone.

                                                                *******************************

                “I cannot believe this.” Chanyeol and Baekhyun read the comments online about Luhan’s dating scandal. Baekhyun knotted his eyebrows in anger at some of the comments. He slammed the laptop shut.

                “I refuse to read anymore. It’s pathetic.”

                “Poor Luhan, I can’t imagine what he must be feeling.” Chanyeol shook his head. Baekhyun nodded as he buried his head in his hands. He felt so terribly useless. He wished he could be there to help Luhan, but he couldn’t.

                If he had stayed, and Chanyeol was revealed, this would happen too.

                He couldn’t decide if he should be worried for his friend or secretly happy.

                “I’m glad I ran away.” Baekhyun said.

                “I’m glad you’re here. I don’t care if you ran away or not.”

                Chanyeol kissed Baekhyun and he pushed the laptop aside, making Baekhyun promise he wasn’t going to read anymore of those comments.

                Baekhyun couldn’t argue, he was too busy being consumed in Chanyeol’s being.

                                                                *******************************

                “How do you feel now?” Sehun asked, wiping Luhan’s wet hair with another dry towel. The smaller man sipped his hot chocolate and tipped his head back.

                “Cold, but not as cold as before.” He paused his drinking and chuckled. “You know, crying and screaming in the rain is so liberating. I suggest you try it sometime!”

                “No thanks, colds and I do not go together.” Sehun rolled his eyes. “You could have froze out there!”

                “I would not,” Luhan rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t that bad. Stop being so dramatic.”

                “Says the boy who threw a tantrum at me for not picking up your favourite donuts.”

                “Don’t mess with a man’s donuts. That’s the golden rule.” Luhan wagged his finger and Sehun shut him up with a kiss. He used the towel to wipe down Luhan’s neck and kissed the top of his head lovingly.

                “I’m sorry.”

                “For what?”

                “For getting us in this mess.”

                “It’s not your fault. I wanted to be in this mess too.” Luhan said. Sehun slid down next to him and wiped his cheek.

                “So what do we do now?”

                “I don’t know.”

                A comfortable silence passes between them as Luhan falls against Sehun’s chest. The only sound that they could hear is each other’s breathing and the silent wisps of the steam from Luhan’s mug.

                “If you think this is going to stop me from being with you, then you are don’t know me at all.” Sehun muttered, cradling Luhan a little closer.

                “The thought never even existed for me.” Luhan smiled, reaching out for the red envelope on the table. He opened it with cold fingers, reading the letters on the card and smoothing it out with his thumb, even when there weren’t any wrinkles.

                “We should go.” Sehun said, patting Luhan’s waist.

                “I don’t know.”

                “But you want to. I know you. And I think you have a promise to keep and fulfil.”

                “Why should I fulfil that promise when he didn’t keep his?”

                “Because it would make you feel good.”

                “I’ll think about it.” Luhan folded the invitation.

                “In the meantime, I think I have some kissing to do.”

                I will tell you this much, Baekhyun wasn’t the only one being consumed that night.

A/N: Another update!! XD 3 times this week! LOL