My heaven

Description

Ailee,

A mysterious white room,

The one she thought was gone forever,

and a white rose

Foreword

Hi :D

I wrote this oneshot because of HaengBog's Oneshot Contest.

Firstly I wanted to thank Haenbog for this awesome contest and secondly apologize for any mistakes or flaws it may have.

This was my first oneshot so I was kind of clueless about what I should write about and finally had an idea as I read the prompt list. I used prompt 21 (story based on a song) and made my oneshot based on Ailees beautiful song Heaven.

Make sure you check it out and support Ailee here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9ro1KjkJMg

I also made the poster (also my first) and I know it´s very simple but I´m pretty proud of it (it´s not so bad for a first time).

Hope you guys like it and happy readings :D

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Comments

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Haengbog #1 Jun 2, 2014 20:25:12

Chapter 1: Title and Foreword Page (4.8/5)
The title, the description and the poster are perfect. I took part of a point for the spelling error. It's mysterious, not misterious. You can't have them on the front page.

Plot (50/50)
This was a simple story line, but a compelling one. I didn't understand immediately what was going on, but in a good way. Once it sank in, I was emotionally connected to it.

Flow and Execution (10/20)
You misused a few words. It was a bit wordy at beginning, and I didn't care for your description of the room. It was too much. There's nothing wrong with simplifying.
Flow wise, it was fine. The pace was nice. The only thing I took objection to was Amber's first lines. She seemed unfeeling.

Spelling and Grammar (5/20)
There are A LOT of spelling and grammar mistakes through this. It was distracting. Feel free to use a beta to correct the mistakes.

Appearance (3/5)
I can't change the font size, which was an issue because I wear glasses and I was trying to read this on my phone. Very, very tiny words.

Total 72.8

Overall, I really, really enjoyed your oneshot. The story was short, sweet, and compelling. Well done, and thank you for participating in the contest.