Dongwoo had begun to spend his nights thinking about himself. He wondered briefly if this was what poets did. The past few nights had him thinking about what was making him so sad lately, and he finally gathered enough courage to explore why exactly he burst into tears after signing the divorce papers. 

In between teaching classes, socialising, eating and sleeping, Dongwoo managed to write out a to- do list. It was personal and he kept it in his wallet- reassuring himself from time to time that Woohyun had no reason to open his wallet anymore- and inside he wrote loads of meaningless things. Things like clean up the kitchen or scrub down the toilet, make the bed or call his mother all made it into the list. But after all the chores and errands, he also had little “think about why you’re sad lately” scrawled at the end or “stop thinking about Sunggyu” written in bold at the top. 

As ashamed as he was to admit it, even to himself, he did occasionally find himself thinking about Sunggyu. He knew he was supposed to be angry at his ex- husband, especially by how he treated him during the months leading up to their divorce. Dongwoo was just feeling a little let down by their divorce, a little let down by life, really. And also a little lonely. Even with Howon or Woohyun or his other friends around all the time, he still felt a little lonely. He was pretty sure it was the type of loneliness that came when you were used to having a lover and was suddenly deprived of one. 

But he did try to bring up his mood occasionally. That was what hanging out with all his friends was for, and being at the studio was one of those things that allowed his mind to stop working. Everyday as he got ready to leave his apartment, he would take out his wallet and skim through the list, the thick bold words on top jumping out at him. But sometimes he would avoid the words, especially when he noticed the wedding band on his vanity counter. 

There were still little traces of Sunggyu around the apartment. A couple weeks after the divorce, during one of his outings with Woohyun, he had bought new furniture for the apartment, especially because Woohyun co- owned a whole array of furniture type boutiques. He had happily picked out new couch cushions and Woohyun had happily bought new rugs and photo albums- to fill your apartment with our handsome faces, obviously- for him as well. 

He had changed many things around the apartment: the couch no longer had its back to the ceiling- to- floor windows, instead it stood with its the side facing the windows and the TV in front of it; the curtains were 2 different layers of a light teal and cream colours instead of the burnt sienna colour scheme Sunggyu had picked out with his mother; the bedspread was no longer plain white 200 thread count Egyptian cotton, but a cheap spread covered in dinosaur prints- courtesy of Sungyeol. But even after changing things around and ultimately ridding the whole apartment of anything that Sunggyu liked, Dongwoo still hadn’t gotten around to clearing the shelves in his closet full of Sunggyu’s things. 

Dongwoo had thought that Sunggyu would have returned for his things. He had dreamt of it even, he imagined hearing the buzzer and then he would let whoever it was in, his subconscious allowing him to pretend he thought it was Howon, and then his ex- husband would enter the house and sweep Dongwoo off his feet. They were all irrational thoughts, of course. Dongwoo didn’t really want Sunggyu back, instead he had recently realised from a long day of thinking that what he was feeling was just the result of him missing being in a relationship. Hopefully. 

It was after a day of walking around with Sungyeol and Myungsoo that he snapped. Sungyeol and Myungsoo had been dating before Dongwoo had met either of them and they had been together for around 2 years. They had gotten together during their last year of university and had been together since, except for a few brief breakups due to some coffee or camera related things, apparently. Dongwoo had agreed to going to a national park not far from Seoul with the couple because Myungsoo wanted to take a few landscape photos. Howon couldn’t come because he was engaged with something to do with his parents and Woohyun said he didn’t really want to traipse around with a tripod and three thousand- an exaggeration- DSLR cameras and lenses. 

Myungsoo had Sungyeol were walking by Dongwoo’s side. He was the shortest of the three of them but it didn’t really bother him, even though he knew that by standing in between the two of them, it only made it more painfully obvious how vertically challenged he was. And he didn’t mind because it meant that the conversation flowed around him and he knew he wasn’t bothering the couple by squeezing in between them. 

But then they had settled at a little pavilion- like resting area and Myungsoo had brought out his camera. Dongwoo had gone to look at these mushrooms that looked a lot like what you saw in cartoons and when he turned around the couple was gone from sight. He had panicked slightly, worried that he had lost his friends, until he saw them a little ways behind the pavilion. Sungyeol had Myungsoo up against a tree, both hands stiffly gripping onto the younger’s shoulders. Myungsoo’s camera was in between the two of them but they seemed to be used to it because they only kissed with no inhibitions. They must have wanted to be considerate by being a couple out of Dongwoo’s sight but it didn’t really help, after all. 

Without really wanting to, Dongwoo kept watching as the pair separated from their kiss. Sungyeol then rested his forehead on Myungsoo’s ever so gently and Dongwoo watched as his lips moved. He was definitely saying some sappy things, because Myungsoo only smiled back widely, his eyes crinkling and disappearing. Dongwoo’s stomach had twisted and for a brief second, he wondered if he ate anything weird for lunch. But he knew that he was just going crazy by getting jealous over the relationship two that of some his closest friends had. 

The rest of the day was spoiled from that moment on, and none of Myungsoo’s pictures featured a smiling Dongwoo. When the oldest had arrived home, he was only plagued with what he could dub as the worst headache of the century and a nagging feeling of sadness at the pit of his stomach. All he could think about, or perhaps remember, was the way Sunggyu smelled after a shower, or the flowers Sunggyu used to bring home every few days during the spring season. He couldn’t block the images of Sunggyu opening door and greeting Dongwoo, or as he lay in bed with his glasses on and turning the pages of his book. Frustrated, Dongwoo had pulled his wallet out and stared at the words at the top of his to- do list. Soon, the lined notebook paper started getting spotted with something that made the opaque paper seem translucent. They fell in perfect circles and it took Dongwoo more than a second to realise he was crying. 

He had hurled his wallet across the room, the to- do list fluttering to the floor at his feet. It was like a fast- forward play through, like in a movie, or a really confusing music video. He kept thinking about Sunggyu and all the memories that they shared together, yet at the same time he was practically screaming at himself to stop thinking about Sunggyu, repeating the words again and again. They seemed to get louder and louder until Dongwoo could only sob, feeling helpless against his own mind. 

Dongwoo found himself standing in his closet, the door behind him shut tightly. He was staring up at the boxes labelled “Sunggyu’s ”. Howon had helped with all the packing away and now Dongwoo wished he hadn’t installed shelves up so high. It was really wrong, and he really shouldn’t be thinking about it but he really wanted to just open the boxes and look through all of them. More than anything, he really wanted Sunggyu to walk in through the front door and call out to him. 

It was an amazing coincidence, really, that Howon decided to ask Dongwoo out for dinner. Since he was just around the corner, again by pure coincidence, Howon decided to visit Dongwoo. He would apologise again for not being able to go out with him and Sungyeol and Myungsoo, then they could head out for some dinner. He rode the elevator upstairs lightheartedly, imagining too many fantasies despite himself. 

Once he reached Dongwoo’s apartment, he took out the extra key he kept inside his wallet and slipped it into the lock before turning it twice. After that, he tapped in the security code into the keypad next to the door and waited for less than a second as it beeped and Howon pushed the door into the apartment. 

It was every quiet, which was the first thing Howon noticed, and it was very unusual if Dongwoo was home. Howon stopped to check the time on his phone by the front door. He was pretty sure Sungyeol had texted him saying that they’d be back by 5. It was already 6, so Dongwoo had to be home. 

“Dongwoo?”

Somehow, calling out his friend’s name made him think of horror movies where the hero shouts out a friend or lover’s- Dongwoo was absolutely not his lover, though- name and ends up being mauled to death by some being from the swamp or something. Howon pushes the thought out of his mind when he hears a little scuffle from the bedroom. A little hesitantly, especially after his recent thoughts, Howon heads over to the bedroom and pushes open the door. Before he steps in, he notices Dongwoo’s wallet flat and open on the floor by the door. Frowning, Howon decides to ignore it and goes inside. 

Nothing could have prepared Howon for what he was met with, really. There were little flutters of paper littered around the room. It didn’t look as if a tornado had struck or anything, it just seemed a little messier than usual. And if he didn’t need new glasses, there was what looked like a dent in the plaster near the closet. Picking up a piece of paper that sat near his feet, Howon could clearly make out the scratchy characters that were written completely in disregard to the lines on the paper. The same phrase was repeated at least 5 times on both sides of the paper and when Howon looked up, he realised that the rest of the papers that cluttered the room were covered in the same scrawly phrase. 

Now he was really worried.

“Dongwoo?”

Another scuffle- like sound and a whimper makes Howon jerk his head towards the direction of the closet. Now that he’s facing the door, he can see that the light is on inside, the yellow seeping through the gaps on the door. Howon is hoping that it’s Dongwoo in there and not some psychopath when he gingerly reaches for the door knob. 

Using the “rip it off like a band- aid” strategy, Howon swings the door open almost violently. Inside, Dongwoo is seated on the floor with his legs stretched out in front of him. His back is resting on the chest of drawers that are facing the door. Dongwoo’s eyes flicker upwards to meet Howon’s only briefly before he looks away. He seems to be staring down at his knees, his hands by his side the loose threads of the shag carpet beneath him. 

“Dongwoo? Are you okay?” 

It only takes a little shake of his head, a painful sounding half- sob from the back of his throat, and a few loose tears sliding down his face for Howon to drop to his knees and scoop Dongwoo close to him. 

Howon had both his arms wound tightly around Dongwoo, his hands holding onto Dongwoo’s muscular sides. He has Dongwoo’s face buried in the crook of his neck and the feeling of fresh hot tears running down his neck makes the younger want to cry along. Dongwoo is shaking and snivelling, his sobs making his whole body shake. 

Howon starts running his hands up and down Dongwoo’s back at a desperate attempt at comfort and Dongwoo further relaxes into Howon’s arms. Dongwoo has his hands tightly gripping onto the back of Howon’s shirt, his hands the soft lilac cotton. 

“Howon, what am I going to do? I feel like I’m losing my mind.” 

The strangled voice makes Howon’s heart clench. 

Him and Dongwoo move to the bed almost an hour later, where Dongwoo is wrapped up in his duvet and still clinging onto Howon’s waist like a baby koala. Dongwoo is partly embarrassed, partly amazed at his own breakdown. He hadn’t expected Howon to come when he did but he is glad that he did because otherwise he probably would had stayed in the closet the whole night and would have then proceeded to miss a few classes the next day. 

“Well, Dongwoo, I would gladly give you my honest advice if you would just tell me what’s wrong.” 

Dongwoo only squeezes Howon’s waist tightly once before he uncurls himself and falls back onto his pillows. Howon slides down the bed so he that he is lying next to Dongwoo with a hand propped up to support his head. They face each other silently for a while, until Dongwoo clears his throat. 

“This is going to sound really stupid-“ 

“If it’s upsetting you this much, it can’t be stupid at all.” 

Dongwoo chuckles before he continues, rolling onto his back so he doesn’t have to look at Howon when he admits all that he’s been thinking for the past week. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot. Thinking about Sunggyu, and love. Sometimes I’m not really sure whether I miss Sunggyu or not. I mean, I don’t think I do but my subconscious likes to think about him anyways, and a lot too. I have a theory, though. I think that I might be thinking about Sunggyu so much not because I miss him, but because I miss being in love,”

Here Dongwoo giggles slightly, knowing it’s an embarrassed laugh more than anything else- who knew he could be such a sap. 

“And I’m just so confused. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know what to do with myself.” 

He doesn’t want to admit it, but he really doesn’t want to roll back onto his side because he just doesn’t think he can bear seeing the disappointment in Howon’s eyes. Howon is his best friend and it was because of him that he managed to gather up the courage to put an end to his less- than- perfect relationship with Sunggyu. Howon was the one who always knew when to give him space and when to pry, the one who checked on him when he was injured and the one who would probably always be by his side. Unfortunately, unlike Sunggyu. For some reason, the thought causes a painful tug in Dongwoo’s chest. 

It’s when Howon starts speaking a few minutes later, that Dongwoo starts crying again. 

“Dongwoo. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your divorce was literally only a few weeks ago. Up until pretty recently, you were married to the person who was supposed to be the love of your life,” Okay, Howon pauses because the idea of Sunggyu- that bastard- being Dongwoo’s- an angel on Earth- love of his life makes him want to hit something, “You should be feeling confused. Just give it a few more weeks. Maybe even a few months, and I promise you that everything will be alright.”

But Dongwoo hasn’t cried yet. No, he's just lying there thinking about Howon’s words. The younger man is too nice to him. When Howon’s warm fingers ghost on the base of Dongwoo’s jaw and encircle his chin, to pull Dongwoo towards him so that they would face each other again is when Dongwoo cries. Because Howon looks so beautiful. He looks so forgiving and kind and Dongwoo knows that this is what having someone who loves you as much as you love them feels, this is what it's supposed to look like. 

“Look me in the eyes, and know that there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not pathetic, because I know that’s what you’re thinking right now.”

Howon uses the pads of his fingers to gently swipe away the tears, and Dongwoo sniffles as quietly as he can so he doesn’t ruin the moment. 

“Dongwoo, I love you. And everything will be okay.” 

Maybe it’s the way Dongwoo’s eyes start to mist over with tears again or it’s the way his lips crack into a wide smile, contradicting the tears flowing down his face, or maybe it’s the not- confession that makes Howon start to cry too. Once he starts crying, he finds it hard to stop and his hands leave Dongwoo’s face so they can help him scoot a little closer as he buries his face into the folds where Dongwoo’s shirt meets the duvet. 

Needless to say, Dongwoo is pretty surprised when he hears the unmistakable sounds of sniffling or the gasping as the younger man tries to breathe through his sobs. 

“Howon- ah, don’t cry. Why are you crying? Don’t cry.” 

The two of them end up in a snivelling mess, the pillows and duvet and various parts of their shirts damp. Dongwoo has his arms around Howon almost protectively and Howon had his hands pressed up against Dongwoo’s chest. They fall asleep in that position, their tears only drying after they fall asleep.