My voice got caught in my throat… tears finally stopped from falling on my cheeks… and the next thing I knew was my body got enveloped by his tight hug… as if squeezing my life out by his strong yet comforting arms…

His body trembled… he was crying… muffling his cry as he buried his face in my hair… why is he suddenly acting like this…? 

“Don’t leave me… please”

He said it again… I don’t know what to say… react or even feel… everything that’s been happening right now seemed so surreal that I don’t even know if this is still part of reality… 

My arms stayed limped on my side… I felt my lungs being squeezed out of my breath because of tight hug… I stayed staring at the ceiling… listening to his sobs… why is this happening… never did I saw him this vulnerable… am I just dreaming…?

Oh please Lord… please stop playing with my emotions… I’m really tired now… is it too much to ask for a simple rest…?

I closed my eyes… hoping this will stop… I should stop deceiving myself… it will only hurt me more…

But then, no matter how tight I close my eyes… hoping for this dream to just vanish in my imagination… I could still feel his warmth… seeping through every part of my body… calming down the shivering coldness inside my heart…

My mouth hanged open… oh god… this is real…

“I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m so confused… my head hurts so much from thinking… I know I want to hurt you… break you into pieces… watch you in agony but I can’t… I don’t know why… you’re making me insane… just by seeing you… I feel like my head and my chest would burst out from the hard pounding I could feel inside… why are you doing this to me…? Why…?”

He said between his sobs… I don’t understand each and every word that just came out from his lips… but I could feel that he’s blaming me again for something I don’t even know why…

Suddenly he pulled me out from his hug… tears that are threatening to burst out from my eyes blurred my vision of him… I want to wipe those tears to see his face clearly but his hands were gripping both of my arms that I could even lift a hand…

He looked at me for a while… the same pained face I saw back then was again plastered on his face… looking at me with those pained eyes… why…? What have I done this time…? Will I ever receive a normal and warm stare from him…? Am I really that hideous to look at to receive such gaze from him…? 

“You’re confusing me so much… is this your way on getting back on me…?”

I tried to open my mouth… decided to ask him what he was talking about but then, he hugged me again, pushing us both down in our bed with him on top of me… I want to push him away… I’m tired… can’t he be considerate about it…?

But his next words brought much shivers down my being…

“I want you so bad that it pains me everyday seeing you so far… I want you so bad that I want to lock you down so that no one can take you away… probably to hurt you more just to tell you to stay… that seeing you with someone felt like a dagger stabbing me over and over again… I don’t understand my own feelings anymore… I’m so confused… all I know is that I want you… I want you to stay…”

“Jiyong…”

His name