Regret Message | HaeHyuk | Angst | G |
I'm not good in angst, so forgive me.
You know, i regret writing you this message. You, in the first place will definitely feel my burden. I can't do it, Hyukkie. You know i can't. I can't stop crying while writing this to you. I know, you're probably crying now too. This has to stop. For some other reason, this has to stop or else, i won't. And will never stop...until you become mine.
Yeah. You would think i'm a fool. A serious, crazy fool. But this is me, Hyukkie. This is the real Lee Donghae you met a decade ago... a fool in love with his best friend. What am i thinking, then? I'm smiling awkwardly to myself because i know i am a hundred percent fool. Will you forgive me, Hyukkie? Will you?
I know you will. But, i can't take that risk to be with you anymore. I have sinned against god because of you. And no, don't cry Hyukkie. Don't. I'm not worth your tears. I have sinned because of my own heart. My own stubborn heart who keeps on looking at you, staring at you and loving you.
Yes. I do, Hyukkie. I do love you. I am falling in love with you, every day, every second and every moment you're not here by my side. Those times i can't touch your hands, hug you close to my heart. Those rainy nights i sleep alone in my room, cold and incomplete. I love only you.
I can't seem to let pass the clock turning midnight without seeing even a glimpse of you. My mom is teasingly complaining because for the past years since i've met you, i haven't change my wallpaper on my hand phone. Even if every now and then i've change hand phones courtesy of endless endorsements, etc. It's still has one wallpaper; a face that occupies the whole screen; the only man who owns the spot: it's you.
I know you never touches my phone because i always borrowing yours, you never knew about that. Only, there's one time, someone finally see me through and asked me if his conclusion were true. That there's only one person Lee Donghae likes, and that is none other than...you. And you can guess, what i replied to him.
"Yes, Kyu. But he doens't know it yet--no, maybe he will not find that out. Never."
I am helpless, am i? I am such a masochist for hurting myself without you knowing what i've been going through. I've shed so much tears, so much pain and agony because i can't say anything. I can't open my mouth when i was about to say how i really, really feel because i kept thinking, how about after i confessed? What will happen to us? To our friendship? What will the members say? What will you say? Will you turn me down or return my feelings?
I can't decide. My brain is obviously twisted and tied in a knot. I can't help but to be pessimist and not being brave to face the reality, the truth. But right now, i know this letter is not the best move i have ever done in my life. This, this is made by losers and scaredy fish like me. This is shameful. I have never been so ashamed writing you this letter. this is not me, i know. But somehow, somewhat, this makes me a little bit brave. Brave enough to confess. To say things i regret not saying face to face. To say how much i adore you, Hyukkie.
I love you. if this three words aren't enough, then, i really wanted to say... be mine because i'm yours.
I know. It can't be compared to the happy endings happened in movies. Us weren't equals to happy ending. so i deserved to be punished. that's what i've been thinking before writing you these. I already calculated the time, the date, the year i will be gone by your side. And it will be hell. It will.
So now, before i go far away from you, let me say one more time, I love you. And this is the real me saying this to you, Hyukkie. This is Lee Donghae. The one who loves you the most.
You've been tough all by yourself when i'm not there to be the cushion on your bed. You're dong well when there's no fish swimming around your tank. And you'll be fine when i'm not around with you...anymore. I know you will be.
Hyukkie, don't be confused about my confession. Don't open your heart because i will be hurting more. Stop. Just think about marrying a very beautiful and loving wife who can give you kids, who can make you feel whole and complete inside. Don't ever mind about me because i...i will be fine. I know. I will. God will always be there for me.
Hyukkie, i just wanted to tell you, i am writing this letter in front of you. The sleeping figure of you. The closed lids of your eyes, the silent breath coming out from your nose, the pouted lips, the light breathing of your chest. The face that i can't never forget.
After the wonderful gift you have given me and the sin I made along with you. That, i won't ever regret. I won't ever forget. Though, i know you're not feeling the same way--but if you do, then, i must be plain stupid. But, that's beside the point, Hyukkie. This is all about me sinning against god's law and not keeping myself preoccupied with what ifs.
I wanted to thank you, really. This night means a lot to me. This date, year and time that i know you belong to me and only to me. thank you. this is the best gift you could ever gave me, Hyukkie. the best.
You can call me selfish, stubborn and childish. You can throw a pillow, a rock or a house at me. But, this is my decision. This is what i concluded. this is what i want to leave things to god.
So, Hyukkie. Please forgive me. I am leaving you all of a sudden. And i am taking away the tiny bit of love i felt while were making love earlier.
I am sorry. These three words you'll read once again from this letter.
I...I don't want to say anymore. I don't want to end this love letter. I want you to wake up now and ask me what was i doing and i'll be answering you, "Hyukkie, I'm writing you a love letter."
But, you're in a deep slumber and i can't ask you to wake up right now. The situation is actually good. I can leave without crying though a chain of burden keeps me from walking faster away from you.
Hyukkie, i hope you understand me. I hope you do.
If God proclaims in heaven that we're destained to be together, i'll come out of hell and search for you.
If you wait for me, that only means you love me too. If not, then, i should come back into hell.
The only fish who loves a monkey named Lee Hyukjae,
He kept looking at the letter that was left intentionally at the bedside table. his eyes are weeping salty tears, begging for some sugar because all his fluffy feelings and sweet dreams were gone and nowhere to be found.
"How can a fish run out of his tank just like that? Hyung, Donghae Hyung's leaving. Catch him up or else it'll be too late. But before that, get dressed."
A voice coming from his room's open door came knocking his heart out. How come he knew I was sulking naked on my own bed?
"Stop mourning. C'mon Hyung,"
He heard the voice came nearer and all he can do is stare at his dongsaeng's face, tears still on his eyes waiting to stream down his face.
He hear the voice once more, this time a little bit louder to make his senses straight.
He jumps out with a blanket covering his body and grab all his clothes on the floor before running towards the bathroom to change.
He heard Kyuhyun's voice one last time before the door of his room closes and everything went mute outside his bathroom wall.
"You're such a selfish person, Hae. You really are a stupid fish."
he mumbled through his gritted teeth, anxious and scared to what will happen next.
Run... Running is the only thing i can do right now, as i followed your footsteps outside the dorm and going to the bus stop where an army bus is waiting...for you.
i thought, we already talked about this matter, Hae? You were the first one to promise me that we will go together and spend two years serving our country. Now, what are you doing? You're leaving me without properly saying your goodbyes... your plans... isn't it unfair that you just decided to leave me all by yourself? Didn't you mind consulting me about this matter so you can leave burden free and i will be left behind with just a little bit of pain in my heart?
Selfish. that's you, Hae. you are selfish. You're only thinking about yourself. But, how about me? Didn't you consider my feelings? My own point of view?
I hate you. And that will be the three words i will be saying to you.
Hae, how come you didn't notice my feelings for you? I thought i am a walking mirror? A very transparent person? But, you didn't noticed even a bit. Why? Is it because your feelings are blocking mine and your selfish love for me can't accept any rejections or answers either?
I hate you for ignoring my feelings. I hate you Lee Donghae.
Finally landed on the bus stop, catching up my breath, i see no sign of you; only the now moving bus in front of me. My tears started to fall like rain and all i can do is sort you out from the glass window with my blurry eyes. And there you are, looking straight, far away from me and not taking a glance at the bus stop anymore.
I shouted, nearly choking out from my high-pitched tone of my cracked voice.
"Hae! I love you too! You pabo!"
I shouted once again, but i heard no reply. Donghae didn't heard me. And so, i took off my shoes, take out my insoles and started throwing the window where Donghae were seated. My insoles and then my shoes.
A smile curves my lips as Donghae finally looked my way, He pressed his palms on the window looking at me while the bus is walking away from me.
I waved my hand goodbye before saying the words Donghae might not hear but see, mouthing the words: "I love you too" makes me see Donghae left a tear for me before the bus finally took its leave.
I stopped at the middle of the road with my shoes and insoles everywhere and just waves my hand up high while my tears are falling down rampantly.
I saw Donghae moves to see me one last time at the back of the bus and mouthed the words i knew my heart wants.
"I love you, Hyukkie."
That was you said and waits patiently for your safe return. I always drop by to the bus stop and reminisce about the past.
Now, it's almost time, are you also waiting for me, Hae? Will you keep your promise that when God finally answered your prayer that we are destined together, would you come out of hell and search for me?
I am waiting here Hae, because God told me you're not suitable in Hell but, only for me. So, come back safe 'cause i'll be waiting.
The monkey you always loved,
A/N: hehe... i just finished writing this tonight. though i'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.... i'll be posting after two days... and my next update will be The Vampire Stalker. If you don't know the fic, you can check out my story list and search for it.. thanks for reading in advance!
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