16 January 2014

The smell of antiseptic rushed into Jongin's nose when he opened his eyes. At first, his vision was blurry, but then he saw a clear and white wall. He heard the low beeping of a machine at his side. He grimaced when he felt a pang of pain in his head.

"Jongin?" A girl whispered softly.

When his vision became more clear, he could see Yura standing near him.

"Oh my god, you are awake," hot tears streamed down Yura's cheeks. She leaned closer and held Jongin's hand.

"You almost died. I thought you'd never wake up." She shook her head and held Jongin's hand tighter. Jongin’s body tensed and he pulled his hand out of Yura's grip.

Yura winced and pain flashed in her eyes. "Oppa, you overdosed yourself."

Jongin closed his eyes and tried to made the world fade away. But the world still stood. He felt fatigued.

When he opened his eyes again, that blue eye colour stared back at him. Eyes that were full with hope and sadness. Eyes that looked similar to Kyungsoo's.

"Yura...." Jongin voice sounded raspy.

"Yes, oppa?" Tears still streamed from the corner of her eyes. Yura didn't bother to wipe her tears. She seemed so vulnerable and weak.

Jongin winced at the view, he felt a sharp pain sting his heart.

"I love your brother, Yura." He stared at the hospital ceiling, trying to avoid Yura's gaze.

"I love him, too." Yura said softly.

"But I love Kyungsoo so much. I love him more than just a friend." His voice became shaky.

"I know. I know. I found out yesterday, oppa."

"You know?" Jongin eyes widened and he looked at Yura. Their eyes met as Yura nodded.

"At first, I felt a lot of pain, but then I felt happy. I feel happy for my brother. He died loved and I know he loved you too, oppa. No one ever loved him like you did." Yura bit her lips and added.

"Don’t overdose yourself again. Don't. I lost my brother already and I couldn’t afford to lose you. I know you would never love me the way you love Kyungsoo oppa, but just be here. Just be here and alive, that's enough."

Jongin shook his head "But I hurt you. I proposed you so I could stay near Kyungsoo, I used you, Yura. I don’t deserve your kindness."

"No, oppa. I understand what you were doing to stay with my brother. I understand that completely. I know you love him so much, and that's what we do when we love a person so much, we try to find ways to stay."

"Even if it was a wrong way? I choose a wrong way and now Kyungsoo killed himself because of me," Jongin's body shuddered and tears threatened to fall from his eyes. But he held them back.

"He didn't kill himself. I know my brother and I know he wouldn’t attempt suicide. Have a little faith in him, won’t you?" Yura held Jongin's hand again, and this time he didn't pull away.

Jongin nodded as they both cried together until there no more tears to cry.

♦♦♦

Later in the evening, the doctor examined Jongin's body and wrote something on his clipboard. Yura was looking after the administration so Jongin could leave the hospital now.

"Are you sure you already feel okay?" The doctor arched one of his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I’m fine. I just want to get out of here soon."

"Fine. But you still need to attend for the therapist appointment next Monday understand?"

"Yes, sir." Jongin saluted the doctor. The doctor gave him a smile before left the room.

A moment later, Yura finished the administration file and came back into Jongin's room.

"So are you ready to start breathing in fresh air again?" Yura beamed at him.

"Yeah. But can we stop by the florist?"

"What for?"

"I think I need to go to someplace first."

♦♦♦

It took 45 minutes from the hospital to Dongjak-dong area, and 20 more minutes to search for a white gardenia bouquet.

"Gardenias symbolize purity and sweetness . They indicate secret love, they convey joy, they tell the receiver ‘You are lovely’."

Jongin smiled as he remembered what Kyungsoo said about his favorite flower.  Yura's car stopped at the Seoul Memorial Cemetery parking lot.

"Can you stay at the car? I need my time alone with Kyungsoo"

"Okay." Yura smiled and patted Jongin's shoulder. He took a deep breath before emerging from the car and walked at the pavement.

When the cold January air reached him, he shivered, but he kept walking. He stopped by a tall cedar tree when he saw a figure standing in front the tombstone where Kyungsoo's cremated body lay buried. Probably a man because he was wearin