13 January 2014

Kyungsoo drove his car with full speed to Jongin's apartment. After returning home from his birthday party, he kept calling Jongin's number but there was no response. He went to Jongin's apartment first, but found nothing, and the next door neighbor said that Jongin wasn't home. He then headed to the bar where Jongin usually spent his time but still he found nothing. Only Wu Yifan greeted him and had no idea where Jongin would be. So Kyungsoo ended up drinking and would have continued had Yifan not stopped him and asked him to go home.

But where is home?

Kyungsoo didn’t have a home. A home is a place where you feel comfortable and a place that made your heart warm.

So where is home?

Where is home for Kyungsoo?

When Kyungsoo arrived at Jongin’s apartment for the second time, he didn't even bother to shut off the engine or release the key from ignition. He ran to the third floor but the stairs seemed longer than usual, or maybe he was just drunk. He felt his legs tremble and his stomach start to feel queasy. He remember the first time he had come to Jongin's apartment months ago.

⇔

It was Sunday and a lovely day, and they were both having a delicious pancake breakfast near a Seoul train station.

"Have any plans for today, hyung?" Jongin asked, his head cocked to one side.

"Nothing. You?" Kyungsoo chewed his pancake slowly while his eyes peered at Jongin intensively. He noticed a stain of maple syrup at the corner of Jongin's mouth. Kyungsoo leaned closer before softly wiping the stain with his thumb. Their faces were only inches away and he could hear Jongin's gasp.

"You sure eat like a kid," Kyungsoo said as he pulled himself away and felt his cheeks burn.

Jongin grinned before saying, "Wanna come to this kid’s apartment?"

Kyungsoo nodded and smiled back.

⇔

When Kyungsoo reached the third floor, he found himself panting, with sweat running across his forehead. His eyes were fixed on Jongin's apartment door. He knew that the apartment was empty but his heart burned with hope.

"Jongin open the door."

"JONGIN!"

"Jongin, I beg you."

"Jongin!"

"KIM JONGIN!"

Kyungsoo kept pounding his fist on Jongin's door. Jongin's apartment is not as fancy as his. Or maybe not even close to fancy. It’s just affordable enough for Jongin after his parents died and left him not very much. But for Kyungsoo, it’s the most goddamned comfortable place. No, not the apartment, but Jongin himself. It's not a place, it's the person. It's Jongin who always made him comfortable, made him somehow feel wanted, made him feel alive and somehow, made him feel like he had a home.

And now he needed that comfort, he simply needed Jongin.

Kyungsoo needed Jongin to say that he wasn’t going to marry his sister.

No.

No.

No.

"You are not going to marry my sister you because I love you. I love you and this is the first time I’m saying this to you and this may be the last time if you keep ignoring me. Please Goddamned Kim Jongin I love you and I need you now-" Kyungsoo said, choking on his tears. He got down on his knees while his right hand leaned on Jongin's apartment door to support his weight.

"Remember when you kissed me? That was the time that I knew I was loved too, by you. I don’t need you to say it because I already know how you feel, but now I'm not sure anymore, Jongin. Why? Why did you propose to my sister? Do you really love her? Have you ever loved me? Kim Jongin! Have you ever loved me the way I love you?" He tried to hold his breath to stop the sobs from forcing their way through his chest. But it hurt; it really hurt.

"Remember the first time we met? You were the one who saved me. You taught me how to love, you made me feel like I’m breathing again, like I’m alive, like I’m finally awake-" Kyungsoo's sobs become uncontrollable.

"And I dont want to sleep again. I don’t."

Kyungsoo whispered before collapsing onto the floor.

⇔

"Wanna race to my apartment?" Jongin asked while Kyungsoo turned off his car engine.

"Sure. But what if I win?" They both slid from the car and stood in front the apartment building.

"Name your price, hyung," Jongin gave him his cocky smile.

"Hmm....if I win you need to do anything I ask."

"And if you lose?"

"I will make you breakfast for my entire life."

"Deal."

⇔

When Kyungsoo regained consciousness, it was already 3 AM and his head was throbbing with a horrible headache. He groaned before trying to get up from the cold floor. He trembled at first and propped his shoulder against the wall until he found his balance. His vision was slightly blurry as he walked slowly down to the first floor.

One of his hands reached to his phone in his pocket and he attempt to call Jongin again. He couldn't count how many times he called Jongin today and still no answer.

⇔

"You never told me you were a fast runner," said Jongin panting as he opened his apartment door.

"Now you know." Kyungsoo can't help but smile and be proud because he won against Jongin.

They went inside and the view surprised Kyungsoo a little bit. He thought Jongin’s apartment would be messy. But he was wrong. The apartment was neat and kind of empty.

The apartment was smaller than Kyungsoo's. There was a huge red couch on the living room. A vintage band poster was plastered on the wall, and there were no other signs of photos, but there a bookshelf with a lot of books.

"I never knew you love to read," Kyungsoo muttered as his finger traced the bookshelf.

Jongin shrugged, "It’s a good distraction beside drinking and smoking."

Kyungsoo wanted to ask him to stop those habits, but instead he asked, "Distraction from?"

"Life," Jongin said flatly.

"Do you prefer tea or coffee, hyung?" He added, changing the topic.

"Coffee would be nice."

"Okay, wait a little bit." Jongin then vanished to the kitchen.

Kyungsoo sat on the couch but Jongin's words distracted him: why did he want a distraction from life? He always looked so cheerful and strong. Someone that looked like he had no problems, unlike him.

"Here’s the special coffee," Jongin handed the coffee mug to Kyungsoo and then sat beside him. Their shoulders brushed each other.

"Thanks." Kyungsoo took a sip of the coffee.

"Well, the coffee was my attempt to bribe you so you won’t ask me to do

anything you want," Jongin suppressed a smile.

"No way," Kyungsoo laughed. "You lost Jongin and now you need to pay the price," he said teasingly.

"Okay, okay, so what do you want me to do, hyung?" Jongin pretended to pout playfully.

"Hm......" Kyungsoo looked around the room and tried to find an idea. His eyes landed on the vintage band  poster before he said, "Sing for me."

"I lost my chance to eat free breakfast for my entire life and now you ask me to sing? My voice is...let just say awful. You’d don’t want to hear that, hyung," Jongin shook his head in disbelief.

Kyungsoo laugh a little more. "If you sing, you still can have your pass to free breakfast for your entire life."

"Really?" Jongin grinned lazily.

"Yeah" Kyungsoo grinned back and took another sip of his coffee.

"Okay," Jongin turned his face to Kyungsoo and held his gaze with Kyungsoo's eyes.

"This is my favorite song." He cleared his throat before singing softly,

"I wanna be your vacuum cleaner, Breathing in your dust. I wanna be

your Ford Cortina. I won't ever rust."

Jongin ran his finger through Kyungsoo's hair.

"If you like your coffee hot, Let me be your coffee pot"

They both cracked into a smile.

"You call the shots babe. I just wanna be yours"

He brushed Kyungsoo's cheek with his thumb.

"Secrets I have held in my heart are harder to hide than I thought,

Maybe I just wanna be yours,